Ivan

I don't know...

2010-03-13T22:19:00.004+08:00

"How are you?"

"Good, I'm fine..."

"You sure?"

"I don't know... I have things to do, in fact, lots of things to be done. But... I don't know how to get it started. I felt like...erm...you know, like......"

"Argh, whatever! I don't know.."

"Things are piling up and my plate is getting full. The unfinished left on my plate are stale and I hate the smell of those... I wanted to get rid of them but I don't know how..."

"My plate is so heavy and I need both my hands to hold it right..."

"What is the meaning of all this?"

"I don't know."

"You know what? I don't even know why do I even want to write this..."

Differences...

2010-03-07T16:56:00.002+08:00

Just a lil thought...

How often do we say to ourselves, "hey, this person is so similar to me." or amused by the notion that someone has any similarity to us?

We often focuses on what are the differences between each other and hence creating barrier and killing the chance to know the 'real' person that we are talking to...

Wouldn't it be nice if we can focus on our similarities as human beings, dissolving barriers and embrace the humanity within each and everyone of us?

Give ourselves and everyone else a chance, to reconnect with our inner humanity.

It is no coincident that we share the same genome, biological composition and morphological structure...

Post NLDS thougths

2009-12-21T21:19:00.002+08:00

The long anticipated NLDS 2009 is finally over... and life has got back to normal again...The excitement and the fun during and post conference has to come to an end. After all, all good things comes to an end and I have to move on with my life.

This years NLDS was exceptional. It was a first proper AIESEC Conference that I had attended since Evolve Conference, more than 15 months ago... It felt great to be able to feel the conference vibe and experience the wonderful conference magic all over again.

It is even better this year, as I was selected as a facilitator in the largest NLDS in Singpore to date! Hooray! This year, the conference was attended by close to 250 delegates from more than 15 countries. How great could that be, to be able to interact and mingle with people from all over the world in just 5 days and make friends for life? It's priceless.

As a facilitator for the first time, I had gain so much from the conference. All the hard-work and preparation done before the conference, the sleep deprived days to get things done were all worth it, the moment you stand in front of the stage/plenary to deliver your session and inspire the others. The feeling was just beyond words.

I really have to thank my boss, Wan Xin, who reminded me to apply for facilitator this year. I was at the brink of quitting AIESEC after a pretty screwed up internship earlier this year. I was hanging on all this while due to the responsibility, not because of passion. But I had once again remember and experience why I joined AIESEC in the first place. I wanted to meet different people from all over the world and make the world a better place to stay. And I believe AIESEC, really is the platform for me to explore all the different possibilities all over the world to develop my full potential.

I believe that I have so much to improve in terms of my session delivery, my spoken english, crowd control as well as the creation of conference atmosphere. Of course, I had set high standards for myself, but I believe that I can only get better if they strive for the best every time.

On a personal note, for some reason that I am not so sure, I had a crush on one of the fine lady. I wasn't expecting it at all, but its some feeling I haven't felt for a long time. Suddenly, I felt life all over again and life is great!

Despite the fact that she is leaving for France for studies in a few days time, but being able to communicate what i felt was great! At least, I can be true to myself and be authentic... who cares what is going to happen next? Live the day as it is and make the most out of it!

Email From Mum - Robert Kuok's Note On The Past Sixty Years

2009-10-04T19:07:00.009+08:00

This is an email article that my mum sent me. I am not sure of the source of the content nor the authenticity but it was nonetheless an inspiring article to read. It is the epitome of how a Chinese emigrant from Mainland China arrived in Peninsula Malaysia in the World War 2 era to start everything from scratch and succeeded in a foreign land.

It had encompasses all the spirit that all the ethnic Chinese - hardworking and never-say-die attitude until we succeeded.

The content of the article is shown below (I've only edited the formating of the article, everything else is the same):

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Kuok Hock Nien's notes on the past sixty years
(On the occasion of Kuok Group’s 60th Anniversary 10 April 2009)

ONE
My brothers and I owe our upbringing completely to Mother. She was steeped in Ru-Jiao – the teachings of Confucius, Mencius, Laozi and other Chinese sages. Ru-Jiao teaches the correct behaviour for a human being on his life on earth. Mother gently, and sometimes strongly, drummed into the minds of her three boys the values of honesty, of never cheating, lying, stealing or envying other people their material wealth or physical attributes.

TWO

Father died on 25 December 1948 night without leaving a will. Following the Japanese surrender, he had re-registered the firm as a sole proprietorship. We went to court to get an appointment as managers, permitting us to continue to manage Tong Seng & Co. The judge said that, as there were two widows, the firm and the estate should be wound up.

THREE

We decide to establish Kuok Brothers Limited. In mid-January 1949, five of us met at a small round table in our home in Johore Bahru. Present were my MOTHER, cousin number five HOCK CHIN, cousin number twelve HOCK SENG, my brother HOCK KHEE nicknamed Philip (a.k.a. cousin number seventeen), and myself (a.k.a. cousin number twenty). We sat down and mother said, “Nien, would you like to start?” I said, “Fine, yes I will start.” To cut the long story short, we got started, and commenced business from a little shop house in Johore Bharu on 1 April 1949.

FOUR

As a young man, I thought there was no substitute for hard work and thinking up good, honest business plans and, without respite, pushing them along. There will always be business on earth. Be humble; be straight; don’t be crooked; don’t take advantage of people. To be a successful businessman, I think you really need to brush all your senses every morning, just as you brush your teeth. I coined the phrase “honing your senses” in business: your vision, hearing, sense of smell, touch and taste. All these senses come in very useful.

FIVE

Mother was the captain of our ship. She saw and sensed everything, but being a wise person she didn’t interfere. Yet she was the background influence, the glue that bound the Group together. She taught my cousins and my brothers and me never to be greedy, and that in making money one could practise high morality. She stressed that whenever the firm does well it should make donations to the charities operating in our societies. She always kept us focused on the big picture in business. For example: avoid businesses that bring harm, destruction or grief to people. This includes trades like gambling, drugs, arms sales, loan-sharking and prostitution.

SIX

We started as little fish swimming in a bathtub. From there we went to a lake and now we are in the open seas. Today our businesses cover many industries and our operations are worldwide but this would not have been possible without the vision of the founding members, the dedicated contributions and loyalty of our colleagues and employees, and very importantly the strong moral principles espoused by my mother.

SEVEN

When I hire staff I look for honest, hardworking, intelligent people. When I look candidates in the eye, they must appear very honest to me. I do not look for MBAs or exceptional students. You may hire a brilliant man, summa cum laude, first-class honours, but if his mind is not a fair one or if he has a warped attitude in life, does brilliance really matter?

EIGHT

Among the first employees were Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor), Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang), Othman Samad (Kadir) and an Indian accountant called Joachim who was a devout Roman Catholic and who traveled in every day from Singapore where he lived.

NINE

I would like on this special occasion to pay tribute to them and in particular to those who were with us in the early days; many of whom are no longer here. I have already mentioned Lau Teo Chin (Ee Wor) and Kwok Chin Luang (Ee Luang) and Othman Samad (Kadir), there are others like Lean Chye Huat, who is not here today due to failing eyesight, and Yusuf Sharif who passed away in his home country India about one and a half years ago and the late Lee Siew Wah, and others who all gave solid and unstinting support and devotion to the Company. It saddens me that in those early difficult years these pioneers did not enjoy significant and substantial rewards but such is the order of things and a most unfortunate aspect of capitalism. However through our Group and employee Foundations, today we are able to help their descendants whenever there is a need to.

TEN

I have learnt that the success of a company must depend on the unity of all its employees. We are all in the same boat rowing against the current and tide and every able person must pull the oars to move the boat forward. Also, we must relentlessly endeavour to maintain and practise the values of integrity and honesty, and eschew and reject greed and arrogance.

ELEVEN

A few words of caution to all businessmen and women. I recall the Chinese saying: 失败乃成功之母 (failure is the mother of success). But in the last thirty years of my business life, I have come to the conclusion that the reverse phrase is even truer of today’s world: 成功乃失败之母. Success often breeds failure, because it makes you arrogant, complacent and, therefore, lower your guard.

TWELVE

The way forward for this world is through capitalism. Even China has come to realise it. But it’s equally true that capitalism, if allowed to snowball along unchecked, can in many ways become destructive. Capitalism needs to be inspected under a magnifying glass once a day, a super-magnifying glass once a week, and put through the cleaning machine once a month.

In capitalism, man needs elements of ambition and greed to drive him. But where does ambition end and greed take over? That’s why I say that capitalism, if left to its own devices, will snowball along, roll down the hill and cause a lot of damage. So a sound capitalist system requires very strongly led, enlightened, wise governments. That means politician-statesmen willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of their people. I don’t mean politicians who are there for fame, glory and to line their pockets.

THIRTEEN

To my mind the two great challenges facing China are the restoration of education in morals and the establishment of a rule of law. You must begin from the root up, imbuing and infusing moral lessons and morality into youth, both at home and from kindergarten and primary school upward through university. Every Chinese needs to accept the principle of rule of law; then you have to train upright judges and lawyers to uphold the legal system.

FOURTEEN

Wealth should be used for two main purposes. One: for the generation of greater wealth; in other words, you continue to invest, creating prosperity and jobs in the country. Two: part of your wealth should be applied to the betterment of mankind, either by acts of pure philanthropy or by investment in research and development along the frontiers of science, space, health care and so forth.

______________________________________________________________________

Tan Sri Robert Kuok Hock Nien (born 6 October 1923, in Johor Bahru, Johor), is an influential Malaysian Chinese businessman. According to Forbes his net worth is estimated to be around $10 billion on May 2008, making him the richest person in Southeast Asia. He is media shy and discreet; most of his businesses are privately held by him or his family. Apart from a multitude of enterprises in Malaysia, his companies have investments in many countries throughout Asia. His business interests range from sugarcane plantations (Perlis Plantations Bhd), sugar refinery, flour milling, animal feed, oil and mining to finance, hotels, properties, trading and freight and publishing.

______________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer: I do not wrote or own this email article. It was posted for knowledge sharing purposes.

Challenges...

2009-09-23T23:47:00.003+08:00

Finally, the AGM for 0809 term is over and put a beautiful end for a wonderful year as a member of the executive board. Thinking in retrospect, I realize that they are so many things can i could have done differently. It is always easier to look back and say, hey, I could have done this and I will achieve this but things just doesn't come easily at that moment. Perhaps the surrounding and the state of mind during that period of time really does make a difference.

People always tend to look at the past and make all sorts of comment on how good they have done or how would they have it instead, regretting the decisions made. I had felt this way before and can't help to let this idea creep into my mind when I reflect on the past. Dwelling on the past glory can hamper the future growth and make you take present for granted; whereas dwelling on past failure has crippling effect on your self esteem and make you lose sight of the future possibilities and waste your time on what has passed instead of making the best of out the present. Personally, I did stumble into the second category occasionally.

I just had this feeling during the AGM, looking at how well my peers had done during their term but I had done nothing special in contrast. I don't feel good about what I did but I am definitely happy and proud of my peers achievements. Its just that I felt that I could have done more to enjoy similar achievements.

After speaking in on stage for quite some time, I still have ample of room for improvement in terms of public speaking. I felt pretty bad after my speech as all my peers had improved so much on their public speaking, yet I'm still standing on the same spot from where I had started. Given the fact I had given session and speak to crowds like this, I should have done better.

Nevertheless, I felt empower at the same time, channeling all energy from the unfinished task to my current role. I'm determined to re-establish myself as a prominent contributor to make a different. I have to live up to what I have always tell others, I wanna leave a legacy after I left. Its not too late to start working...

A promise to myself, I will leave a legacy behind, something that I can say proudly 5 years down the road that I created this...

Series of short post...

2009-09-22T22:14:00.007+08:00

~No pain no gain~

I just got myself a tube of scar removal gel. I was so glad that there is finally a solution to get rid of the pimple scars on my face. Yeah! I have forgotten when I first had my first pimple, but I am damn sure I'm literally pimple free when I first came to NTU... I had taken my pimple free face for granted...

I was pretty excited when I first the gel on my face... It just felt like, there is hope... I can't help but to imagine how the final outcome would be... unnoticeable pimple scars. Yet, on the second day, I had felt some minor itch at the spot where I apply the gel and it got pretty uncomfortable. It was those kind of itch where you can't soothe it by scratching... literally a living through hell. I suspected it to be some kinda allergy but there is no sign of inflammation and redness to the spot. Its just some itchy sensation like thousands of ants crawling through my face... argh!!!

Anyway, for the sake of a nice face, I will endure!!!

@I miss my AIESEC EB term @

Recently, I had been meeting up with my friends from my EB team. It was great to hang around and discuss on issues, probably the last one we have as a team. Nevertheless, it was awesome. It kinda rekindle my passion for AIESEC again.

I stayed on in AIESEC because of the wonderful people around me which motivates and makes you wanna try harder and achieve more. I felt like I have so much to contribute and learn at the same time. It was as if I have travel back the time capsule to my EB term again. I doesn't matter if it was just a short meeting session but it felt really good. It was some kind of satisfaction and fulfillment that I can't put into words, to see everyone again after we complete our EB term.

Frankly, I was at the brink of quitting AIESEC after my internship. I couldn't find the passion and drive to continue on. But 2 meet up like this have had a amazing effect that help me realized how much I still want to be part of this 'cult'. It was like my mind has been open all of a sudden and lots of different idea just flow through on how can I improve the role that I'm doing right now.

Right now, I am planning on a come back and to become a facilitator in the upcoming national conference.

Quote: " Why do you ever want to give up ?" - Celine

$ Is there a problem for being single? $

Plenty of my guy friends are always on the hunt for the special someone. I was once told it was pretty pathetic to graduate as a single. What do you think? Personally, I don't buy into that crap.

In fact, I'm a advocate to be a single grad! forget about those bloody critics that may say I'm a loser. Whatever, but this is what I want. To me, being in a relationship at this stage requires a lot of sacrifice and determination by both parties which is just too taxing for me at this stage. Besides that, this is crucial stage where I build the foundation of my future career to accomplish my goal to be rich and famous in future and contribute to the human mankind.

But there is also nothing if you manage to meet that special someone as there are many who got married after that and had a wonderful future. I guess this is not my cup of tea as I don't want to be tied down when I am still at my twenties. :D

Despite my advocacy to nothing wrong for being single, I really despise those who get into relationship because they want it so much and due to peer pressure. Anyway, I can't control everyone and I'm no saint to criticize...

Office politics

2009-09-06T14:50:00.002+08:00

Two months...

I've spent the past 2 months at GE Healthcare Singapore Office for my Industrial Attachment. It was an amazing experience... I learned so many things and saw so many things 1st hand on how a MNC works and other things known by the insiders only... I really can't wait to see more dramas going on for the next 3 months...

To be frank, I wonder how many had really witness the drama of office politics come into play in front of your eye... Seriously, it was an exasperating experience...

Before I move on with what I saw and what came after, let me gave a short introduction on how it happened.

There is another internal -reorganization that affected my boss. She has been assigned with a new role and majority of the current job will be transfer over to another colleague of hers. So what happen was she was totally new to her new job and requires an intern, which is me to stay and help her... at the same time, the other manager who just took over her role wants me to move over to help him with his new role too.

As I already express my loyalty to work with my current boss. She has objected the request from another manager to transfer me over to him. And so, the other manager went to the GM to made a formal request to transfer me over to him. Anyway, my boss fought back and said that she need an intern as well. But ultimately the decision lies in the GM's hand.

Alright. Most of us would think, why can't HR just get another intern to help the other manager? The reply from HR was, we can't find an intern... what the hell... and the also came back back with a 'brilliant' suggestion. The HR is asking me to be split among the two managers and I would have to report to 2 managers doing two different stuffs... crazy...

On that day of incident, I was in my boss office and coincidentally the other manager walked passed the office and met my boss. There is some exchange of words that I can't remember. But what happened next was still vividly remembered. My boss slams the door closed, followed by her laptop and all the other things that is open on top of her desk. I was sitting right in front of her... And then she started asking me to speak of the things that I need to ask her. She was so angry that I could see her lips shivering and veins all pop up along her neck. Damn scary... and her tone wasn't at all friendly...

Lucky me, she cool down after a few minutes and I walk out in one piece...

The saga doesn't end there, it was weird seeing people from the same office taking the same teleconference in different rooms. And then, there is a serious exchange of blows between the 2 person from the same office via the teleconference where their office was just next to one another. Yet the words need to go through some freaking machine, coded into signals and transmitted across half the globe to come back to the next recipient who is sitting few yards away...

What a weird practice...

What is important?

2009-08-04T23:32:00.003+08:00

Finally, updating my blog again after ignoring it for 1 month...

It is something expected, but not something that I was expecting. But I know that it might be the best option for us right now.

After 2 years, we finally decided to put our relationship to a stop. I was something that I didn't wish for but had unconsciously pave my own way towards it.

All the memories that we had, the place that I first hold your hand and the place that I asked you to be my girlfriend, all of them just flash through my mind when we decided that it is over.

You have never failed to surprise me every time I see you. Its like a drug that make me wants you even more. In fact, you have most, if not all of the things that I look for in a lady.

Every time I had a wistful big dream about some imaginary life, it was you who brought me back to my foot and see whats around me.

But the distance had became a barrier and my own attitude to keep things to myself had became the factor that brought us to this decision. Despite, the distance played its fair share, ultimately, it is me, who really shrew this all up. If there is anything to blame, it is myself.

Thank you for being my girlfriend that I always proudly called. Perhaps I was too obsessed with what I had and took things for granted and forgot about the subtle and the softer side that have to be dealt with.

I know that I am a passive person and slow in expressing my thoughts to you. I am never the best person to say how I feel and kept most the things to myself, not am i the best person to comfort you when you need me the most.

Thank you for holding on with me for the past few months and I am just too foolish to realize that my chances were long gone...

Perhaps what we need most now is the time and space.

What is more important? Is it devoting all cost to pursue a successful career or.....

Anyway, I would not avoid you even though you are not my girlfriend. You remained a special friend of mine that I can feel safe to share some of my darkest secret.

I would not played down the chance of getting together again in future. But you'll never know what the future has to offer...

I don't really know what am I typing as it was all random and messed up, but I don't care. All I know right now is it really hurts..

Some nice moment during the past week...

2009-06-21T16:41:00.000+08:00

Haven't been posting anything positive this past week. Guess it is time for me to pen down some of the moments worth keeping...

The past Monday, I was invited to my boss place for dinner with his family. I was quite surprize to got that invitation from him given everything that I've gone through and the seemingly "late" timing. But I didn't gave it much a thought when I received the invitation. It would be a great opportunity for me to see how the upper middle class people live in this country. I reckoned it to be an special experience for me and I was not dissappointed.

That day, my boss, John left the office one hour earlier to prepare the dinner. I was really impressed by that gesture of his as he could easily asked his domestic helper to put up a nice dinner without too much of a hassle. That is one point that I thing was very important for me to show your sincerity to my guess, not that I was expecting that from him. But I really appreciate his effort. At least, I've found out that we have one more thing in common, we cook...

I was accompanied by a colleague of mine to his place as I wouldn't have know where he stays anyway. It was pretty near to the place I work. It was a condominuim over-seeing the city skyline. A prime location indeed. The exterior of the condominium looks posh but it was still some distance away compared to those seen in Singapore. The corridor to his place was nothing fancy, and, to be brutally honest, it doesn't look like a condominium kinda corridor. But I do like the feeling of the old british building kinda feeling with a dimly lit light. The doors painted in bloody red went well with the cream-colored wall.

I was invited into John's home after the bell rang once. The place was really small with a really high ceiling that I couldn't see the value of such high ceiling. Despite the fact that the high ceiling is a way to make the house looks and feels bigger but it did little to make things different in this case. My colleague and I was offered some chips while john was doing some finally preparation for the dinner.

I was expecting some filipino home-styled food but I was dissapointed. It was really a westernize menu but I was still pleased as those are really healthy food. The things that gave it away that it is still Philippines was the white rice and red onion. But no one really touched the rice anyway, as there is nothing really that you could go with the rice. There was huge bowl of mixed vegetable salad dressed with vinegrette, toast, spaghetti dressed with olive oil, salt and pepper and butter. Despite the seemingly westernize menu, I did understood the rationale behind it as John has diabetes and hypertension. So he was eating only fresh vegetables only and perhaps a small portion of spaghetti for carb. Pretty impressive..

We had a nice time talking about different things like business and economy in Singapore, Malaysia and Philippines. We talked about different business practices and the business opportunities that we can tapped on. The dinner was ended with a strawberry ice-cream.

John was kinda enough to drive me back to my dorm after dinner given the fact that I don't really know my way back as there my my turns on my way there. It was in fact a short drive. I merely took us around ten minutes to reach the road near the office. It was obvious that he was in good mood as the was driving at a comfortably slow speed and didn't complain despite taking the wrong turn. It was definitely an event that allowed me to learned more about John and the same way around.

I was treated with another free meal the next day for lunch. It happened to be John's father's birthday that day. He ordered take out from a local Chinese restaurant, Jade Palace that seems to be pretty famous here. The food ordered was nothing foreign to me but for the more heavy flavoring. Another thing that worth noting is the fact that a lot of exquisite ingredient was used in the "lo mee". Nevertheless, it was a good meal with nice food and most importantly it was free.... All you need before eating was to sing a Happy Birthday song...

Utterly disgusted...

2009-06-19T16:49:00.003+08:00

I am supposed to be working right now. I have to finish my project before I left this company next Friday. But I don't seems to be able to concentrate at this moment. Many things went through my mind and only a tiny part of those are desirable.

I've been worrying about money for the this whole week. The cash in my wallet is running. I had informed my boss that I needed the cash but nothing happened. It doesn't mean that I do not have accessed to any money. I can simply withdraw them from the bank but I'm reluctant to do so knowing the fact that I will be charged for a service fee. I had voiced my concerned to my friend in UA&P, I think 2 weeks back but to no avail. I think I had to resort to my final solution, head straight to the bank. I was trying to convince myself that all the money I spent here is some kinda investment for me. To date, I've withdrawn close to SGD1000 just to stay in Philippines.

This would be my last weekend in this country. I really wished I could be spending my time some where outside Manila. But nothing seems to work out. I guess I'll just have to spend those time in my room sleeping my time way. I tried to invite some of my friends for trip but most are not available. What make things worse is the fact that I can't even reach them to ask for directions. Kinda pathetic. Without relevant map and information, there isn't much I can do about it.

To be honest, this is not the first time I question about the whole idea of overseas internship during my stay here. I tried to convince myself that all this are investment for myself. But I'm starting to wonder if I am just deceiving myself to make myself feel better. I guess this would be some kinda unsuccessful venture for me.

Perhaps one of the most important thing I learn is do not mix your emotion and logic thinking... which played a huge part to my way here to Philippines...

Perhaps, it is me that is too demanding and too whiny, expecting too much out of this internship. I guess my boss is right about many peoples perception that people- will-take-care-of-me-over-there which is a total bullshit. No one actually cares what the fucking shit is happening to you as long as it has nothing to do with them.

I might be very negative right now but who cares? I can't be positive all the time. While others kept asking me how was your stay in Philippines so far with the expectation of good or great, but that is not what I told them. All I said was ok, but that didn't impressed them much. My close friends would know what I meant my it was ok... I'm not a mean person to disgrace and dissappoint someone in their face, if you what I'm trying to say...

Right now, I just have to clean up all the mess that I brought upon myself and learn the lesson.

Continue...

2009-06-16T17:24:00.000+08:00

Continue from the previous post about my weekend...

It was Sunday when I finally have the chance to visit Tagaytay, a small town 500 feet above sea level to have a bird eye view of the Taal Volcano. Just a brief introduction about that place. It was the largest active volcano in Philippines and after one particular eruption, it left a humongous crater that now became a lake. But miraculously, another volcano is formed in the middle of the lake which is the smallest active volcano in this country. And there is a lake in the middle of the small volcano too. Hence, it is also known as lake in lake.

Enough of that...

I wasn't quite sure how the trip is going to work out when my friend Jeric said we will be going to Tagaytay in the evening.... OMG... I left my room at noon and took a 2 hour bus ride to Dasmarinas, Cavite. Another nearby town. It was a pretty bumpy ride which cost 50 peso... It was rather cheap but you are really riding what you paid for. :D

I was introduce to Jeric's church youth members and some of his friends. Those were really nice people and I really had a nice time talking with them. We finally left for Tagaytay at close to 6pm... I knew my chance to see that volcano was bleak. Anyway, there is nothing much that I can do as my guides were delayed some my emergencies...

I was still holding some hope to catch the scenary despite a short shower in the afternoon. But the sun is still clearly visible after that and so my view.

It was really nice place that resembles Cameron Highlands. Just a small town with lots of resorts for people to chill out. We were caught in a traffic when we were minutes away from out destination due to the nearby church. The service just ended, hence causing some traffic at the main road. I don't really what that church was all about but it looks so beautiful. The entrance faces the east and hence the evening sun would literally form a glowing ring around the church, painting it with the warm orange yellow hue which was so pictureque.

My destination - Starbucks. One thing about this country is that, people really love Starbucks and its really cheap if you were to convert it to SGD. A grande Frappucino would only cost around SGD 5. The prices literally range from 85-160 peso for drinks.... Really affordable for tourist. This Starbucks that we went was really different compared to others. It has a really contemporary cottage feeling that is really warmy. It just look so welcoming.... Didn't take any pictures though due to the fog and dark surrounding...

When I finally went to the spot to have a view of the Taal Volcano. I was very dissappointed. The only thing I saw was clouds! I can't see anything else. Its like a bowl of clouds feeling up the entire crater. I couldn't take any pictures at all as there is nothing for me to focus on... so sad... and so, I end up sitting in Starbucks drinking coffee and talked to the others until 9pm before I left the place.

It was another 2 hour ride to Ortigas. Similarly, I got what I paid for. My back was aching when I alight the bus in front of Megamall. Another tired day but not a fulfilling one... Sigh...

Eventful Saturday...

2009-06-15T14:26:00.000+08:00

It is all dark around me. I am sitting on my bunk, mentally rewinding and replaying the things that I saw and experienced for the past weekend. I'm very tired after the long trip yesterday, the bumpy bus ride just now didn't help much though, I can really sleep on the bus as it was really packed and bumpy.

I was supposed to visit Tagaytay this weekend, a small town 500 feet above sea level which give the tourist a bird eye view of the Taal Volcano. But the trip didn't work out as some complition regarding my accommodation arise. So, it became a day trip instead of a 2D1N thingy. Anyway, I pretty glad with how the things turn out for me this weekend.

On Saturday, I was completed bored out the day before and I told myself that I will need to move around. It would be a waste of time, if I was stay in my shabby room playing with my laptop. After some consideration, I went to the Luneta Park again. The previous trip there wasn't that satisfying due to the poor weather. The weather that day was perfect, and the way I like it during my trip: sunny day. My initial plan was to hang around the park and walk along Roxas Boulavard to catch the sunset. But I arrived too early and I visited the National Museum of Philippines. It was quite intersting to see the history of this country, the trade, the development of this civilization. It was definitely a place worth visiting, given the fact that it only cost me 30 peso, student price.

I then proceed to the park and stopped by the Japanese Park. I was quite curious about it and can't wait to find out how Japanese can it be. This was drive my previous experience at the Chinese Garden which impressed me. As it turn out, it was nothing that feels like Japanese except for the word Japanese... Anyway, I came out shortly, after I entered. 5 peso for my curiosity sounds like a good deal though.

The Rizal monument looked absolutely different that day. It was windy day with hot scorching sun. What a sharp contrast compared to the day I visited it before this. The monument is guarded my 3 guards, as far as I observed. Then, a huge flag pole stood in front of the monument. It was said that it is the tallest flag pole and the biggest flag in this country. Pretty impressive. On the other side of the road, there was a small pillar arounf 4 feet high. It was the KM 0 pillar that will be the central position that measures all the distance in this country. Then I approach a huge tent where lots of people were there to apply for jobs. Its some kinda job fair the government offered to the unemployed. This initiative was taking place in conjuction with the National Day celebration on Friday.

After, that I began my long journey along Roxas Boulavard. The first building I approached was the Children's Museum in the Philippines. Didn't visit it though...Shortly after that, I reach the US Embassy. For some reason, I stopped and took a picture of the embassy. Before I manage to take another shot, I was stopped by the security guard warning me that no picture is allowed. So, I moved on. I was thinking, was the big deal of the US Embassy anyway. The embassy is seriously huge. It took me close to 15 minutes to passed by the entire building. I was stopped close to 4 times by the security guards, warning me not to take pictures. For some reason, the sorta expected me to passed their check point and the way they speak to me were not friendly. I moved on half ignoring them.

Then was the sea, finally. The first thing I saw was a lot of kids playing in the sea at a certain area. But just a few meters away, you can literally see a sea of rubbish, washed up to the shore. It was a pain in the eye to witness that. The view was just ok with occasional splash of sea water on the shore. Except for some anglers and a few couples, the bay walk was quite empty. I walked along until some drum beat caught my attention. I don't really know where was I at that time. The only thing I know was, I will be save if I walked along the bay.

The sound of the sound is too hard to resist and I crossed the steet and followed the sound. It looked something like a fiesta. I wasn't paying too much attention to the group of people playing drums. Instead, my eye was fixed on a group of "ladies". I guess they are either guy dressing in ladies clothes or transvestites. But there is one thing that I can't deny. They are really, really pretty and maybe hot. The even look more girly than some of the gals. I spent arounf 30 minutes just taking pictures of them. This is the first time I managed to see them from such a close distance. I was totally mesmerized by their look, only to be knock out of shell when they speak. Apparently, it was some kinda street parade, where they will have to walk all the way to the ocean park. There are around 6 contigence for the whole parade. It was a pretty smal one but its really fun. It was one of the highlight of the day.

After they left, I proceed to a church slightly further a the place the "ladies" were gathering. It was a really old church and I am always attracted to churches. It was the Church of Malate, the second oldest church in Manila, after the Manila Cathedral. It was absolutely stunning and I really can't find the words to describe it.

Further down the bay, I saw a huge area with lots of private ships which are the toy of the rich. But before I reached there. I saw a few children swimming and diving for the rubbish floating in the sea. Initially, I thought that they playing around but after some observation, I saw them throwing plastic bags and bottle they found in the sea and throw it towards the bay for their pals up there. They are picking up the plastics to resell them to those who recycle them. It was a very disturbing view as on the other side of the bay lays hundreds of ship owned by the rich. But on the other side, the poor are collecting plastics for survival. What a sight...

I was too tired after walking for 4 straight hours and couldn't wait for the sunset. The sunset was around 6pm and I reckoned that it will be dark after the sunset. So I left since I am not too familiar with that area. I just kept moving, trusting my own instinct.... What a day...

The trip on Sunday will be covered in the next post...

Nights...

Superficial me...

2009-06-13T10:56:00.000+08:00

It is something that I've long avoided and denied.

It has nothing to do with courage, but the fear of the reaction and consequences that followed. Truth to be told, I was never been proud of myself: my background, where I come from, how I got here and etc. The list goes on and on...

It may sound insane to someone else, but to be utterly honest, I did felt inferior about my skin color, my height, the fact that I'm a Malaysian, a Chinese and so on. I can't simply put the blame to any particular event that causes me to think that way. But the way I was brought up and the things that I've exposed to certainly had played their own fair share in it.

All this started when I was in secondary school where I was just the same as everyone else. Doing more or less the things that what a secondary school student suppose to do and behave. But I decided to be different. I don't want to be just the same as anybody else. Since, I was still a student then, and with no income, I'll have to start with something that doesn't require any capital outlay. That is when I started to shut my ears to all the Chinese media and entertainment. I only watch english shows, listen to english songs, perhaps some latin or other languages, all but Chinese. It was a choice made, but I've no regrets about my decision back then. The only difference now, I'm more open to all forms of media and entertainment, Chinses inclusive... But of course, the changes doesn't take place over night. That decision which was first be a ordeal to me and working its way into routine and habit. Now it had became a part of me.

Besides that, I always reduce my writing and reading of Chinese to the minimal. The rule of thumb being, avoid it unless it is necessary.... Little did I know that, I had turn myself away to all the knowledge and wisdoms from my fore fathers. The wisdom and knowledge that has lasted many generations and brought us to where we are today. It was interesting to found out that, as much as many asians like myself are trying to learn the western culture, the westerner are also trying to learn from the chinese. The irony comes when the fact that I'm turning myself away from the chinese culture and learning, the westerners are trying to assimilate the ancient chinese wisdom.

It is during this time, when I'm immersing myself in a foreign environment, in a different culture and perception that I had lived with, that I have the opportunity to reflect all this expect in my life. It all begun when my boss asked me to read the famous work of Sun Tzu, The Art of War. It was then that I realized how much I'm a fool to turn away from those when I had the opportunity to read them. After that incident, I downloaded a copy of the work in English online. I read it for a few pages and stopped. I reckon that reading it Mandarin would allow me to appreciate the work of the master in its own words. And that would be one of the things that I would do when I return. Besides that, I've also started to read some short articles from the Chinese news site and was immediately mesmerized by the beauty and depth of the language. It was short and simple, yet so beautiful, and more importantly, it felt close to my heart. I don't know if its the skill and the mastery of the author that made me felt that way but I can feel my eyes moist when I read them. I was like a new found treasure to me and I am going to embrace it this time.

I always felt myself out of place whenever speaking any language. It has something to do with my accent. I neither has a native chinese accent when speaking Mandarin nor do I have an English accent when speaking English, which I adored. I've always felt that being able to speak in the "right" accent will make me different from the same kind. But it was just a lie to myself, a reason to comfort myself if I didn't perform as well as what I've expected to be. The reason is simple, there are people just like you, and they succeeded.

Perhaps by now, you might say that I'm superficial person and I wouldn't deny it.

I love food and it was and still is a huge part of my live. But I've always wanted to learn culinary the western way. I embrace western food and find out as much as I could about it. But, the truth remains that, no matter how western the food that I had prepared, it has always taste local. It wasn't difficult to find the the Chinese influence that I used in my cooking. My current circumstances, allow me to have whatever style of food I want, but truth to be told, I missed authentic chinese food very much. At least not the really Chinese food in China but in Malaysia. It was some kinda comfort food for me, something that I've grown up with. It was the feeling of not being able to have it that make me miss it so badly. Everything just taste right but I can only think about it and imagine it in my head, for another few weeks, at least.

All I have to say is that, I had be more comfortable with myself after I acknowledge all that. That is all that matters. After all, I am who I am, and nothing is going to change that.

Trip to He Cares Foundation

2009-06-08T17:30:00.000+08:00

I can hear the sound of water dripping of the roof, vaguely, when I was half awaked. It was barely 6 am but the window blind could no longer block the morning sun peeking into the room. I had planned for another visit to the nothern part of Manila that I've yet to visit today but darn it. It rained again. I had told my friend Patrick that I will be joining him at He Cares Foundation for their weekly feeding program. I was thinking whether I should continue with my plan given the poor weather condition outside. Lots of reason for not going started to found its way into my head. But what am I going to do if I'm not going? I will be damn boring for me to stay in the room the whole day.

When I finally made up my mind to go ahead with the plan, it was already 8.20 am. I was suppose to reach there by 9 am as the event starts at 9 am. Anyway, I did found my way their in slightly more than 30 minutes time. I was imagining some kinda squater area with a poor and dirty neighborhood. But I was welcome to a decent house in a secured area, after a few wrong turns by the taxi driver. Anyway, I rushed in to the house as it was still raining out there and there they are, lil kids sitting in small benches in the porch of the house. I wasn't really paying too much attention to my surrounding at that time as I was interacting with the volunteers and the founder of the foundation.

Patrick gave me a short and sweet orientation of the facilities and the flow of the events for that day. Then, I met Antony in the house. He was sitting at the couch reading a Tamil book and I was drawn to him because he stood out from the rest, as he looks like an Indian. To my surprise, he is from Sri Lanka and we started chatting different things from how he came to Philippines and be involve in this foundation and had a family in Philippines. He was a pleasant person to talk with and very very friendly and approachable.

Then Patrick led me to the backyard to help set up the lunch. We started off with arranging cups on tables and filling them up with water. According to Patrick, the presentation of the food must be neat and nice to appeal to the kids. Fyi, those kids are either living in the nearby squater area or just living in the streets. They would came over here every Saturday to attend masses where Brother Joe will teach them about God, health and personal hygience and lunch. While the masses were going on outside, plates of hot food are served in a plate and placed on the table, waiting for the kid. The menu of the lunch depends on whatever that is cheap in the market and donation from the society. For that day, it was a rice meal served with chicken stew with potatoes and hard boiled egg. There is a lil bit extra for that day as each kid got 3 Hershey Kiss Chocolate, donated by some kind hearted soul.

The masses ended with all the children lining up to wash their hands in 3 separate basins. But before that, their hands are sprayed with some sorta dissinfectant before proceeding to rinse their hand in the large basin. Then they will be ushered to their seat. It was a special feeling looking the way they have their food. The kids are of different ages, ranging from 4 years old to teenagers. I was particularly drawn to those lil ones. I was so surprised that they can eat themselves and finish what was on their plate, even after the second serving. It was totally amazing. I thought of the more fortunate kids in Malaysia that still need feeding and their parents yelling at them to finish their food, what a shame... I was told by Patrick also that the kids would be served a maximum of 2 serving of food as that is as much as they need. When asked why, I was told that it is the preventive measure for the kids to take the food back, as the food are for them, not their family. I know this sound kinda harsh and mean, but I have to remember that this foundation are supported by the society and could only feed those that were present. So, the kids are only allow to packed those food on their plate that they can't finish, but not packing before they are full.

I was quite fortunate that day, as they have also prepared a movie screening for the kids and with a packet of chips for everyone, sponsored too. Yea, before I forgot, the whole area where the masses were held and the dining area were covered by a large canvas. Due to some wear and tear, there were water leaking here and their and it was not difficult to find water puddles here and there. But despite the dismal condition, together with the poor weather, it doesn't stop the kids from having a good time there. The movie were not as one would expect it to be, the image was slightly washed out due to the light from outside but nonetheless, it was still visible. You can see the kids cheering with the movie and really enjoy their time. The water dripping from the roof doesn't seemed to matter anymore.

Most of them left after the movie and it was almost 2 pm. I spent my time in the house seeing them have fun and finding out more about the foundation. I roamed around the area and found a large group of kids at the backyard writing some letters to their benefactors. I was told that they are the ones who got sponsored to pursue their studies and many had got good grades and made the most out of the opportunity. It was the only chance they got to go to school and study. Then, there was a small area at the back of the house, where one volunteer was making school uniforms for the kids, as an initiatives to cut cost. Anyone can sponsored a kid to school with just 5000 peso which will covered uniforms, textbooks and other necessities. It was really an eye opening experience how someone could go that far to help the children on the streets to give them a better future.

I guess the name of the foundation says it all, He Cares...

Lil things that irks me...

2009-06-05T10:44:00.001+08:00

Nothing much going on these days... Everything was pretty smooth, neither too bad or good. Yet, there are still some little things or simple event happening that you can't called it something of significance but you could hardly ignore it. It is this kinda seemingly minor things that will give you the most discomfort.

No. 1
My dormitory.... There is one karaoke bar just a stone throw away from my room. That translate to a whole night of musical sensation with people single the same song over and over again as if they are some kinda of superstar when their vocal capabilities is hardly on par with those amateur bathroom singer. It was so annoying when you hear someone howling all night and I mean every night when you are going to sleep. The worst thing of all, it continues all night until 5 a.m. in the morning if I remember correctly... I guess I could best describe it as "Killing me softly"...

No.2
It was almost the same as in Singapore. It was air condition, everywhere I go. Its freaking hot outside, for the previous few weeks and you got so cold that you have to wear additional clothing in the office or the dorm. Those folks sharing the dorm always trun on the air condition to full blast. I could not do anything except wearing an extra jacket and covered myself with a blanket while I'm in the room. I'm not a big fan of super low temperature all the time and I'll have to cuddle myself under the blanket like a giant cocoon in its large sheath.

No.3
I wonder what is wrong with the students here. Fyi, 80% of the occupants of the dormitory that I'm staying are nursing students. They will be staying there for 2 weeks and a new batch will come over every now and then. I was walking home one night when I saw a bunch of female nursing students walking in front of me. Nothing really caught my eye until i saw the tee shirt one the girl was wearing. I couldn't imagine someone would print that on their shirt, what more for a such a professional health care provider like a nurse. It reads " Feel safe at night, sleep with a nurse...." What the fuck was wrong with those people designing those shirts? It just sound so wrong. I mean you could get laid in other ways if you want to, but shouting it on your shirt was like, insane...

Another similar incident when I spotted another outrages tee shirt design of another student on my way to work this morning... It was a male student and the design was loud with its words and humongous graphic. It reads " I love prostitute " and a huge silhouette of a lady doing doing blowjob with surprising clarity. The first on my mind was, that guy was brave. Seriously, I would not wear that shirt unless I can derive some kinda of benefit from that action. But under clear senses, I would never do that. I really can't help to take another look at the shirt at awe....

No.4
It is going to kill me... It is going to ruin all my plans to travel.... It has been raining for the past few days and I mean the whole day! It does stop for a lil while now and then but it just keep raining. The intensity just seems to increase as the days pass by... I was so caught up one day when my only pair of shoes were all soaked up and my jeans was dripping wet under my knee height. And to make things worse, I do not have another pair of jeans as it was being washed. So I was so stuck with my wet shoes and jeans. I end up wearing my damp shoe and jeans to work the new day. It was so COLD!!!! After reaching the office, my socks were all wet and I have to take my shoe off because I can bear the cold... I end up walking around the office with my socks only. I wonder anyone notice that I'm not wearing shoe but I think I got pretty got camouflage from white socks which resembles my white shoe.

Then I experience one of the strongest natural wind I ever met in my life. Half way to my work, the wind started to blow so strong that you can see all the trees on the street and bending at around 30 degrees from their original position and the leaves are rattling so loudly that I was so afraid one of the trees might fall on me. It was as if 3-5 giant fans in front of you and it got so difficult to move a step forward. There was once that I was caught unbalance by the wind. Just imagine the intensity... Amazing...

No.5
I thing that I notice after some time in Philippines. Filipino loves strong flavors, it doesn't matter if its a drink, food or most importantly perfumes.
Lets start with drink, the drinks here and I mean those non-bottled drinks are so damn sweet as if its 50% sugar syrup and 50% water. I don't know about others, but at least that is what I thought. Next, I guess probably due to their geographical location and the entire country is surrounded by sea, I think the sea salt is dirt cheap in this country. It was evident when all the local food here that you taste are so, so salty. All the meat or meat products taste like they are cured meat. I don't thing any Chinese would love to have their soup covered with a thick layer of oil and taste like brine, do you? Even the fast food like Mc Donald's for example, the fries here are sprinkled with more salts compare to those in Singapore for example.

Next, personally I always adore ladies that uses perfume and I love Reg's the perfume the most. So it would be safe to say that I would like the Filipino ladies as most of them uses perfume. But the answer is HELL NO! The perfume smell that attacked my nose on the street and wherever I go was unbearable. There are so sweet, not in a good way though. It was no longer a scent and as though you might get diabetes just by sniffing it. Things got worse when I am walking behind a bunch of office ladies and the wind blew. The mixture of different super sweet perfume combines to form an ultimate lethal weapon enough to put me to sleep for the rest of my life... The only remedy to that and the essential skill to survive that attack, holding my breath as long as I could....

No.6
I never like cigarette smoke but I do not despise those who smokes. But it was understood that I would prefer someone not to smoke. The very fact in Philippines and the good news for tobacco companies, majority of Filipinos smokes. You can always see people smoking everywhere you go and people selling cigarettes at every possible place that you could think of. So, being able to tolerate with cigarette smoke is something that I have to adapt to in this country. I wonder how much of my lifespan will be reduce during my short stay in the Philippines due to the damage on my lungs from the cigarette smoke.

To be frankly honest, I hate people spitting around and feel disgusted when I saw people doing that. I was an unhygienic and inconsiderate act. But from what I have understand so far, the culture of spitting is rooted to the Filipinos that majority of the people spits wherever and whenever they feels like. I was shocked when I saw a young girl around 5 years old spitting on the street while walking with their parents and no reprimand from their parents. OMG... Perhaps its the way of life here and the spitting does not limit to guys only... eww... So, a piece of advice for those who are going to visit Philippines, watch your steps wherever you go and watch where you are going to place your hands...

What a day....

2009-06-03T15:48:00.000+08:00

I've finally decided to pen down one of the biggest moment I've faced in the Philippines since I first reported to work approximately 3 weeks ago.

It was well planned execution. Every word to be said and the expected responds are so well rehearsed at the back of my head. My heart was racing through my chest, forcing its way out of my body cavity. The idea of meeting the director to tell him that I'm going to quit this internship at the company give me an adrenaline rush to my body. I was fresh and energetic right out of bed, preparing to head down to the office for the last day. I've even went to the extend to plan what I would do that afternoon and brought my new novel along, just in case I got nothing to do, I told myself.

On my ten-minute walk to the office, I kept telling myself and finding reasons to justify my action that I will be executing when I reached the office. I was so convinced that I'm going to succeed and part of me felt proud of myself for having the guts to tell the director that I'm going to quit in his face and rule out the idea to quit via an email or even by phone. Deep inside, I was so proud of my courage and pleased that my sincerity may convince the director my decision. It seems like a new start and beautiful day ahead of me. Little did I know that, I was inching closer to the disaster in disguise, as the time passed. I was so confident and totally obsessed with my plan and believed that it will succeed. The only thing that was on my mind at that time was the phrase " you'll never know if you didn't ask.." and so I decided to do so.

It was like an usual office routine. I went in, greet whoever I saw on my way and settled down at my seat. The only difference that day was I did not plug in the power supply for my laptop. Then I waited for the moment to come...

The director which will be referred as John in the rest of this post, walked in and motioned to me the the other room. I didn't have to tell John that I was going to see him as I already did but he couldn't attend to me the day before. He was holding with a pile of documents with cheque on them while he stopped and waited me to join him to the room.

The idea of quiting was all over my head. Without accessing the mood of John and the situation I was in, not to mention the consequences of it, I told him that I planned to quit his company. In a split of a second, his face changed. I started to smell disaster and dare not even imagine what was going to come. The only thing that I told myself was "Shit, he wouldn't let me go... I am in deep trouble", and I was right.

I got some serious lecture from him which I could say it was one of the worse lecture I had since I started high school, if not the worst. A few highlight about the conversation, John asked me what I really want with his finger pointing at me and eye staring right into me. The whole scenario was like a primary school student sitting in the Headmaster's room alone waiting to be doom. I was finding words to defend myself and reasons to justify my actions. But I lose out eventually. He said and I quote : You don't know what you really want! You wanted to do everything and kept complaining that you have not enough to do when you've not even completed your first task! You have to much proud about yourself and everything is about you. In other words, you are behaving like an asshole..."

Let me clarify, about the first task. FYI, its about compilation of all the business processes of the company. The fact was, I had already send in my report last Thursday and waiting for his reply and feedback in order to move on. I was expecting him to reply my within 48 hours and hopefully I can move on but I was wrong. He haven't even read it as it was not his priority and he made me realize the very important fact that, it was not his job to babysit me.

Secondly, I did add the asshole thing myself. It was totally true. Never ever did I expect someone to call me that. But the truth to be, I deserved it and I brought myself to this. By the time he finished, I had finally broke down. As I myself is an avid weeper for a guy's standard. I couldn't control my emotion and my eyes were filled with tears waiting to rush down my cheek at any moment. He then continued by saying that its ok to make mistake and cry. There is nothing wrong about it and mentioned that this is part and parcel of an internship experience. Its like my eye were out of control and sensing the cue, the tears started to roll down my cheek involuntarily. My mind was clouded with all the emotions and overwhelmed by whatever that i was facing. The stupid mucus started to clogged in my nasal cavity and finding its way out of my nose. Without any tissue paper or the courage to walk away, I resorted to wipe away my tears and mucus first with my fingers and then shirt. It was bloody embarassing and messy moment for me. I was thinking what a shame for a 21 year old to weep in front of a business man I met few weeks back in a foreign country. Argh!!!

Anyway, he started to shared his experience with me, from the time he had his greuling internship and how he started the company. He also labeled me as a typical Singapore grad " arrogant, energetic, wanted to do it all and impatient" which I refused to rebute but quietly accept. No offense to any Singaporean or the country. He mentioned how he was like me when he was young and no one telling me off like he did to me and so on. He later shared something called the attitude and capabilities. The attitude is what got us to pursue what we do and succeed whereas capabilities are the skills and knowledge that we had which will be obsolete in no time. The largest thing that I should learn, as John pointed out, is to be patient and self discipline, which I secretly admit.

Besides that, he also underline the way things are done in Philippines and Asia and how the Americans had stuggle to adapt and how he dislike dealing with Singaporean business man as they always thought they are above all. Through out the whole process, I hardly speak out as I was so choked up with whatever it is in my nose and mouth.

He then recommended me to read the famous book from Sun Tzu - The Art of War. I was dumbfounded that he recommended me a chinese book that I've yet to read. Part of me are impressed by the recommendation and the rest of me felt a shame of myself as Chinese but haven't read the most profound and philosophical book about strategy.

The whole meeting lasted for more than an hour and ended with new tasks lining up for me. I didn't hold any grudges against him or whatsoever. In fact, I felt pleased that someone had pointed those things out to me when I needed it the most. Perhaps this what people called the life changing experience through an overseas internship. The only difference is I got it through a different form. Peace!

This morning, John sat down with me again before leaving for a business trip. He was discussing some strategic stuffs about the company and request me find him information and do an analyst on the market to help him map out the company's 5 year plan. Sounds pretty cool. Then the bomb came, he said the report that I sent last week, was 80% completed. I was telling myself, what the heck, then why did you said I haven't complete anything.. Argh...

Anyway, I felt relished with my new role and embracing it with a open heart. For this new task, it is going to be very challenging as I have to literally start from scratch with limited resources. Sounds cool huh ?

Ps. I've also received an email from Grace sharing the similar sentiment on internship as John did. The only difference was Grace email was subtle and motivating... Thanks a lot, Grace!

Day trip to Rizal Park...

2009-05-31T16:47:00.002+08:00

I arrived at my over-crowded room two and a half hours earlier than I originally planned. It was suppose to be a solid afternoon of touring at the famous site, Rizal Park. But the plan was cut short due to the rain.

Had my breakfast in Mc Donald's today, my first proper meal at Mc Donald's since I've stop eating at Mc Donald's few weeks ago. A Mc Muffin set meal with a complementary coffee. I never knew that the coffee from Mc Donald's would taste so good with just another packet of sugar, rather than the regular given two. I know it is kinda unhealthy to add too much sugar to my coffee, but the additional packet of sugar just make all the difference to the cup of coffee. It was at the right temperature that I can just had a big mouth full of it. The coffee smooths it way down my throat and gave my day a perfect kicked start.

I was sitting at the seat next to the window which faces the Korean restaurant in front of Mc Donald's. The morning sun sneaked through the ad-cover glass window and lay lazily over the white table that I'm sitting. The reflection from the white surface causes the already dimmed monitor of mine to be even darker, due to the contrast of the brighter surrounding. I was surfing the net checking my emails and reading some news and more importantly familiarizing myself with the area that I would be visiting later. It has been my habit to search for the map of the place that I will be visiting to make my navigation easier later.

I got a refill for my coffee and continue and Saturday net surfing ritual. The sky above began to turn dark and deep down inside I was worried that it is going to rain. I ran through the online weather forecast and the search result that I got doesn't seems to favor my trip today. It said that I might be expecting shower in the afternoon and the evening. I was at the verge of canceling my plan to the rest of the day and head back to my room. I stepped out of Mc Donald's and took a good look at the sky myself. The sky had been split into two different hue. The sky towards the direction of my dorm was covered with thick dark clouds. On the other side, the sky was clear and bright even though with the absence of the glaring sun. The wind is blowing relatively strong towards the direction of my dorm. I reckoned that eventually the heavy, water-rich dark clouds would be move slowly away from the direction that I'm going. With that in mind I stick to my initial plan, a day trip to the Rizal Park.

My prediction was right, I can feel the heat of the sun just as I alight from the LRT station near Rizal Park. I reapplied some sunblock and find my way through the park. After a few twist and turn and asking direction from a security guard, I finally saw a big statue in front of me. The tourism board office is just right next to the statue. I don't really who's statue is that but I guess it must be some kinda national hero of the Philippines. The tourism board office is actually a relatively old building that seems to be built during the Spanish colonial era. It had those large pillars that resembles those of the court of justice of Singapore. From a distance away, I can see a security guard sitting in front of the building as if he was sleeping. I wanted to go in the office to get some maps about the park but it was close!!! Not really happy about it, I moved on to my photo shooting.

It was a cloudless day without sun and showed signs of rain soon. It was a perfect weather to play soccer but not a good one for photo shooting. Anyway, I proceed with my camera since I'm, already there. The wind started to blew more strongly and I made my way quickly to the most famed monument in Manila, the Rizal monument. I can see it from a distance away. I was quite stunned when I saw it, perhaps spectacular was the last word I would used to describe it. By that, I don't mean to insult anyone in the Philippines but to me it was just an overrated piece of monument. I guess the meaning behind the monument is much more interesting then the monument itself.

It starts to drizzle and I had just reached the place for barely 30 minutes. It would be too early if I go back at that time. So linger around a little more around that area and visited the execution site of the national hero, Jose Rizal. And when the drizzle turns into rain, I followed the crowd to the nearby Chinese Garden. To be very honest, I was quite impressed with the layout and landscape of the garden. It definitely feels like what the name its called. I was surprise when I saw a huge statue of Confucius in the middle of the park. I was beyond pleased to see that as I really like the idea of Confucius and its teaching. I took shelter at the the nearby building built with Chinese architecture in mind. I found a seat next to the pond and enjoy the scenery. I tried to take some pictures, but the weather was just not right for that. I kept my camera and took out the new novel that I bought yesterday. It was a pretty nice experience to read in a park, sitting next to pond and listen to the sound of the water droplets from the sky hitting the surface of the pond.

I was reading while waiting for the rain to subside, so I can continue my tour at that area. After a good one hour, I decided to leave. The rain seems no desire to stop and I don't feel like hanging around any longer. I packed all my things and got ready all my gears for the weather. Along the way, I saw many people getting shelter under a tiny roof extended from the stalls or the public toilet which they call it comfort room (RC) locally. I am the only one who was waiting in the rain under the umbrella. The whole ambiance was like some kinda drama. It was raining and I'm walking alone in the rain with an umbrella. The people under the shelter were looking at me like some kinda of weird creature and surrounded by some romantic songs at the background, like a sad ending to a romantic movie and re-defined to meaning of loneliness. Well, I did not add the music part myself. Filipinos loves music and it is evident with many loud speakers located at public area, playing nice songs. It certainly feels good and I don't really need to put on my own mp3 player. It was actually quite relaxing walking in the park while listening to the background music.

And from there I went all the way back to my room.

After some time in the Philippines, I can't help but to applauded the Philippines government's effort to reduce unemployment rate in the country. This was evident with so many jobs created under a uniformed profession called the security guards. You can literally see them everywhere, in the mall, restaurants, banks, mrt station and whatever place with people. Their jobs are basically checking the bags and the people entering a certain premises be it a mall or MRT station to make sure that they didn't carry explosive or any other items that may or can potentially threaten the security of the public. Pretty impressive huh, but not when you see them in action. They will be talking to each other, and you just have to walked passed the check point, open your bag and they will just peek through, touched your waist and you are clear. It was so brilliant and effective that there is always a queue in front of the check point and people squeezing each other and make their way through the check point. To be frank, I don't know how effective it is to station the security guard for the security check to prevent terrorist attack but I know well enough that it does helped feed another family and allowed another children to have food and shelter as well as education.

There is also another kind of job that resembles that of security guard. But the difference is that, its more dangerous and tiring. They are called the traffic conductors. For your information, the traffic in Manila or other towns around the vicinity are notorious for their traffic. The traffic light are kinda useless at times and many junctions are without traffic lights. Thats where the traffic conductors came in, their job is to replace the the job of a traffic light but with more intelligent human control. It was a brilliant idea save millions of peso to build a new traffic light and hire millions of traffic conductor to help relief the congestion. Killing two birds in one stone by reducing expenses on infrastructure and providing employment.

Enough about that.

I read an article about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). In the article, it mentioned about the milder form of ADHD that many individuals had suffered. More often than not, those with mild ADHD are not aware that until they found out some where later. I guess I am one of those people. The symptoms describe were distractibility, impulsive, inattention, difficult at staying focus at tasks, having many projects going on at one time and rarely complete any of them, difficulty in falling asleep and difficulity waking up. I fit in to almost 80% of the description without realizing it before. I had always been easily distracted and a lot of things going through my mind all the time. Hence, I sort for one of the method to alleviate the problem via journaling and that is also why I post really long journals. Part of the reason is also, there is no one to talked to and I don't feel comfortable talking to myself or a plant. It just make me to like some freak.

Anyway, that's all for today....

3 weeks past...

2009-05-30T10:38:00.000+08:00

29th May 2009, Friday.

It was just another day of idlying in the office, much like the time when I first reported to the company. By that, I'm refering to not doing things that is related to the company instead of sitting there doing nothing the whole day. The only different with the previous encounter was that, today marks the 3rd week of my stay in the Philippines. The initial excitement and anticipated about the whole idea of internship had turn into a dreary routine of counting down for the day of my returning flight...

Surfing the internet and reading had became my favourite past time in the office. Checking all my emails first thing in the morning, followed by facebook updates and finally reading news from different sources. These routine would be absolutely amusing, if I'm allowed to describe it that way, if I had things line-up to be complete. But right now, it seems like I can do just that whole day in the office. Holy moly... I can even start chatting via MSN at this moment...

I'm pretty tired of asking my colleagues on the things that I can help them out to kill my time, not to mentioned the times that I've talked to the company director that I need something to do. So, I'll just sit at my desk, as if I'm in a internet cafe. I just couldn't understand is there really nothing that I can help, even the slightest bit? I'm not asking for some special or huge project to undertake. I wonder why do they even need intern in the first place. I am quite relieved that I didn't signed up for this for any longer...

I guess I got into all this myself. Early April, after I was informed that I was not selected to be in the Member Committee of AIESEC Singapore, I made up my mind to go for an exchange to experience AIESEC. I commited myself to fast to the offer from Philippines partly due to the fact that I had friends over there. Everything seems pretty fine, I got the job without even speaking to the company director and all I had to do was to sent in my resume. From that moment onwards, I was thinking of the things that I would do in the company as the job description on the TN form was very challenging. Together with the possibility of visiting various sites in the Philippines makes me really excited. Never ever would I expect things to turn out this way.

Anyway, on the lighter note. I had manage to have to time to do a lot of self-reflection and things that I've never did before. I just made a new accomplishment, read 4 books in 3 weeks! Yeah, and I'm going to continue my tally on that.

Now that I've bought several books here in Philippines, I'm having trouble to bring them back with me. I tried to ask the employee of the second book store if they would allow book to book exchange since they are selling second hand books but the answer that I got is NO. Nevertheless, I still got 2 new books today. They are from Michael Connelly, a famous writer famed for this thriller fictions and guess what they cost me less than SGD 3 per book. Yea, I know that the books are second hand and not as nice aesthetically as I want it to be, but who cares? Its only 3 dollars and I really like the feeling of the old yellowish books. They possess a secret charm that makes me yearn for them. Guess those 2 books can last me for a good 2 weeks or even more....

Cloudy Wednesday...

2009-05-27T17:51:00.001+08:00

This is a relatively cooling day compared to the staggering 37 degree Celsius yesterday afternoon. I was almost toasted alive on the street on my way to apply for my visa extension at the Bureau of Immigration (BI).

Took yesterday morning off and went off to BI which is located at a place far away in Intramuros, a place I visited last Saturday. I chose to leave at the odd hours to avoid human traffic on the mrt but God knows why, the human traffic at the mrt station was outrageous. I'll have to literally squeeze my way to board the mrt. It was insane. The cabin was packed with people sweating from the freaking hot sun outside. The air condition on the mrt provide little comfort to the hot passengers. You could literally see a shiny layer on top of the skin of each other. Those ladies with hand fan were fanning themselves like mad and the rest used there handkerchiefs... without any of those, I can only use my tissue paper to wiped off my sweat.. eww...

The office was full with foreigners waiting to extend their visa in the Philippines, but non caught my eye. Instead, one of the office lady working at BI caught my eye. She looks barely 20 years old and was walking and passing document in the office. She has a typical Filipino look but the good ones. At around 165cm, she wore a top with honey-bee stripes which accentuates her fair skin. The down side though, she had some thick make up. Anyway, she was a pleasant to watch during my waiting time for my visa to be ready.

A new room mate came in yesterday. He was a middle aged man working on drilling ship. Not really what is that and haven't been talking much to him. But he did leave a pretty 'loud' first impression. He turn in at around 9pm while I was watching my movie and not soon after that, I was disturbed by his thunderous snores... It was absolutely ridiculous. While I was still awake and sensible, I had noticed more than 3 different snoring sounds and all with different rhythm. Luckily though, his snoring pattern was rather sporadic and pausing at different intervals giving me a short period of peace. He was really loud!

Found a new place for lunch at the nearby building with reasonable price. Seems nice with a different variety of food. I was accompanied by my supervisor to that place for lunch today. Nothing special about the food and I don't really know what am i eating. Its something called chicken sisik. Whatever it is, its all mixed up. The tiny chicken chunk, onions, chilli and other unindentified stuffs top with some weird polystyrene smelling stuffs. eww... Not that bad though, but not something I would want to eat again...

Finally, I had the opportunity to try one of the beverage that I've seen everywhere in Philippines - Gulaman. Its a black colored drink and it gave me an impression like the grass-jelly drink we had in Malaysia. I ordered one cup at 10 pesos, real cheap. I was disappointed when I tasted it. It was nothing that I imagine and too sweet for my taste. It was basically nata de coco added to a sugar syrup with a tiny hint of vanilla. Thats all! There is absolutely nothing special about it, no wonder it is so cheap...

Went out for field work with my supervisor to the neighboring city, Taguig. On our way there, I can't believe my what I've witnessed. I started to think twice if I'm in the Philippines. The whole layout of the city was nothing compared to Ortigas, the place I'm staying. It was as if the whole area and district was stuck in the 1970s. The roads are narrow, congested with jeepneys and tricycles. Hardly any proper houses located by the road and most of them looked old and desolated. I wonder how the people there can survive in those harsh living condition. The road condition was bad, irrigation was just about to start, the gates and grills were rusty... In fact, most of the buildings that I saw are no painted. It was simply bare and you can see the cheap white bricks stacking on each other to make the wall. I didn't see how that could exist in this 21st century where there are skyscrappers just few minutes drive away. Absolutely stunning...

We stopped at one of the local utility bureau to hand over our invitation for some event. I didn't even realised I had walked into a government building of the city hall. There are pieces of wood here and there, an old piano sat lazily at the corridor covered with thick layer of dust. I wonder if its still working. When I walked into the office. I was immediately stunned. I mean how could anyone work in here and it doesn't look formal at all. 3 desk, scatter the area, styrofoam board separating the spaces. There is a small obscene televesion, tiny refrigerator and it feels like I just walked in to the squatters area. The only thing that reminded me that I was in the local government office was the big banner on the wall that reads Local Utility Bureau. It was insane!!!

I just feel so sorry for the resident there. Just a street away, there are numerous condominiums under construction that scheduled to be complete in a few months time. But on the other side of the road, it was completely, utterly pathetic, under-developed. I wonder what kinda people had planned all this and where does all the money collected from taxes went.. I can only imagine...

Watching those children playing at the ruins of bricks and steels... Dark-colored water running next to them and their innocent smile and laughter just added to the sympathy I had for them...

Boring Sunday...

2009-05-24T17:09:00.000+08:00

This is a boring Sunday, stuck in Manila all alone, not knowing what to do on a Sunday. Anyway, it was suppose to be rest day for myself after a long trip yesterday. My shoulder is still aching, partly due to the lousy pillow and my heavy bag load during my outing yesterday.

Talked a lot of with my room mate yesterday and gain a lot of different perspective on living in Philippines. He was telling me how things work in Philippines and how being smart and wise is more important than intelligence in Philippines. He was in his twenties, had 2 kids and already have plans for his 2 kids and saving for their college. He had sort of plan out his life for the next few years I guess. Different from the other filipinos that I met, he speaks excellent english. It was really a pleasant experience talking to him. Through out our conversation, he was constantly assuring me that I can. He had never mentioned anything about you can't or anything. All he was saying was if you believe that you can, then you can. It reminded me of what I've been telling myself all this while but has been chipping off bit by bit by the harsh reality. We talked about places to travel, jobs, education, cars, and plans and other random stuffs. I was quite comfortable to share my opinions with him and was pleased by his openess on ideas.

Decided to stepped out of the room to get some fresh air and the only place to go is Mc Donalds, simply because of the free wifi... It was a peaceful place this afternoon but it does not last. First, there was a couple sitting behind me who had been smooching in Mc Donalds for God knows how long... All I can hear was the sound of them kissing and their hand would knocked me occasionally. Well, I'm pretty ok with PDA but doing it in Mc Donalds? I don't think so...

Then, out of a sudden, there are many children running around in the area screaming and laughing... ARgh.. I hate them, the high pitch scream almost turn me deaf... and what surprize me the most was the fact that, no one was there to stop them or discipline them. It was as if they are in the own world without anyone else. Anyway, that didn't last long, it lasted for aroud 15 minutes which feels like hours....

Another drama occurs to me 30 minutes after I settled down at my seat using my laptop. 4 girls with dirty and scrappy clothes walked in Mc Donalds to use the toilet. Then while 3 of them was in the toilet, the only girl left outside started conversing to me in Tagalog. I didn't realized that she was talking to me until I looked at her. I tried to talked to her in english but she seems to struggle for the right word to say. After a few attempts, 3 words finally came out, "give me, sir". The sound of it shocked me, I would never expect someone to asked for my half finished ice cream. I picked up my ice-cream, looked at its almost melted form, hesitatated for moment before I handed it to her. I felt quite bad to give her my eaten ice-cream and upon receiving that she dig-in to the ice-cream immediately. I was expected that at all. She seems hungry or what. From my guess, she must be living by the road or some squatter area. Live is really difficult in this country and the income gap is really wide...

Battery is running low... Guess I'll just go get my dinner and proceed back to my cell and wait for the day to pass...

What a boring day...

Tiring Saturday...

2009-05-24T15:36:00.001+08:00

My body is aching all over, tired shoulder, wobbly legs and dehydrated body. It was a great day, being able to travel to Intramuros, one of the historical site in Manila. There I witnessed one of most magnificent building that I've ever seen. Will elaborate on that in just a little bit.

As usual, I was travelling alone. Paolo couldn't make it last minute due to band practice for the Sunday service and I don't want to trouble Gabby to travel all the way from his place to accompany me. I wouldn't wanna say its pathetic to travel alone and its kinda cool in a way, walking alone all over the place where no one knows you.

I must definitely gonna mentioned one of the trishaw uncle that I met there. He was so insistent that I travel with him. His initial offer was 150 peso for 30 minutes ride to all the places that I wanna go. It was crazy. How could I manage to visit all the famous places in 30 mintues? Anyway, he was very annoying and insistent and I counter offered 100 peso which he refuses initially but agreed later. I was in a position to oblige the agreement, since he accepted my offer. I know that I will have to spend the extra 100 peso. So I hopped on to his trishaw, its not that bad afterall. I managed to rest for awhile.

Then the interesting part begins, if you wanna call it that way. He started to take me to those random places and spin circles around Intramuros. For your information, Intramuros is a city surrounded by walls built during the Spanish colony. Its pretty much like Melaka, just with walls. Anyway, when he finally brings me to the main destination that I wanted to go, 30 minutes time is up. I decided to pay him the 100 peso and parted way with him and started my journey to the most magnificent building in Intramuros, and the reason I travelled all the way there.

I was standing in front of the oldest cathedral in Manila, the Manila Cathedral. The colonial era architecture mesmerized me so much that I spend a good 15 minutes outside the cathedral taking pictures of it from different angle. It was not like any other cathedral that I ever see. I just can't find the right word to describe how magnificent it is, I would definitely recommend anyone to visit it. It is a shame though, I wasn't able to take any pictures inside due to the wedding ceremony inside. I only managed to spent a lil time inside as the space for visitors are restricted due to the wedding. But the interior was nothing short of luxury and classy. Its defintely a master piece.

I bit farewell with the cathedral and proceed to my next destination, Fort Santiago... It was quite ok. Not too sure of what it is all about. There is huge garden welcoming all the visitors and mout if you call it that separates the main fort consisting of the residential area and the museum. The residential area was awesome. It was the kinda of house that I dream of. A large piece of green by the house which old spanish architecture. The residential area was transform into a museum that display some artifacts, pictures and some clothes which I assume, wore by Santiago. Overall, the musuem has nothing much to see, I would say its a pretty empty place. I was quite bored.

Perhaps I was too busy taking pictures. I finally found the spot that I love the most. It was an area by Fort Santiago that oversees the Pasig River. The view over there was perfect for photo shooting. It was as if it was made for photography lovers. It was a pity though, that the river was polluted and the glaring sun. But despite the hot afternoon sun, I still manage to spend quite some time there.

Went shopping at SM Megamall and get myself a new polo tee. I was expecting to get someting cheaper but end up buying something around SGD18. I don't know if its because I don't know how to choose and spot for good deals or is it because I like that particular shirt. Whatever it is, I've already bought it. The cost of the shirt is more than enough to last me 2 days of good food. I must have gone out of my mind, having spend more than 1000 pesos today. Argh... money issue again... Wtf!

So I guess, I'm not going anywhere on Sunday. I'll just get plenty of rest to revitalised by tired body and find some place to do some work. That would be fine for a lazy Sunday I guess. Hmm...

14 Days passed...

2009-05-23T12:13:00.000+08:00

Two weeks since I landed in this country. How time flies...

As if this has been a routine for me, sitting at McDonald's for 2 consecutive Saturday serving the internet without too much of a purpose. It had not been easy, the idea of spending your whole weekend alone and wondering where to go and what to do, just to kill some time and make my time here well spent.

Flipping throught the map that I have and surfing online to look for some places around Manila that worth checking out and spending some time there. There are many nice places that I would love to visit but then I was tied down by the exorbitant cost for the trip. There are more than 100 island in Philippines and it is pretty common to travel to one place to another, especially those famous spots, with plane. Well, it might sound ok at first because the first thing that came to your mind might be, ok, no big deal, there is what we call budget airlines. Here comes the hard facts, the truth was the air ticket for those domestic flight is more expensive than the air ticket from Singapore to Manila. What the hell is wrong?

Cebu Pacific was suppose to be the budget airline based in Philippines, but the it is quite ridiculous that I can't booked a domestic flight ticket at a reasonable price, 2800-3000 peso which is equivalent to SGD90-100, how does that sound, for a one way flight? Crap!

Hence, I was stranded in the largest island in the Philippines- Luzon, spending my time at the capital of the country, enjoying most of things that can be found in any other major cities in the world. This is pretty pathetic as I wasn't expect all this. I was expecting something exotic, something different from Singapore and Malaysia. Perhaps, I am expecting too much from this trip and forgot about the fact that Philippines is part of ASEAN and our culture doesn't differ that much from one another. Fundamentally, we are closely related.

One good thing about having some similar culture has provided me with some kinda camouflage, if I'm allowed to say so. I was able to blend in the local community without being notice if I do not speaks. How does that sound? So it makes me safe in away that I would not draw public attention or some unwanted attention for any foreigners...

Hmm... My mind is blank now.. Not sure of what to write...so I guess I'll just stop here...

Money...

2009-05-23T11:42:00.000+08:00

Money, its always been money that is on my mind recently. Should I buy this shirt? I like that shirt; should I get a coffee from Starbucks and this is really cheap compared to that in Singapore... Its all about money. And then it struck me all of sudden, I don't have income and I have to survive in this foreign land with those left in my wallet; bringing me back into the harsh reality.

Checked my email as usual, my supervisor or more like a friend sent me an email about Warren Buffet, the second richest man on earth. It really makes me think and ponder about the value of money. In fact, what he shared was nothing foreign to me. Things like only spend when necessary, buy it only when you need it, etc. It all sound so too familiar to me that it had been repeated by my dad over and over again.

I came from a humble middle income family, every penny that we spend counts and my parents used to stretch whatever they have as long as possible to brought me to this state, a state where I do not have to feel restricted because of money. Since, I was young, as any other kids, I've always wanted to own this and own that, perhaps just because the others have it. I didn't managed to get all those because my parents had controlled the money well. I got a lot of books instead...

Now, I am able to take care of my own finances. I wouldn't say that I am very good at it but I do think about it once in a while. Despite so, I ought to be ashamed of myself as I'm barely have any property investment eventhough I was approaching 22 years of age. Warren Buffet did his first investment when he was just 11 years old and that was at the age where not many people are educated yet. Now that I am doing business courses, reading business magazines and columns but I did nothing... What is wrong with me? Guess reading doesn't really necessary bring you any outcome. Without the needed follow-up action, any inspiration or motivation are, but another beautiful tale or heartwarming story.

That pretty much says about me. I think big and I mean really big but no follow-up. Perhaps, the slightest bit that couldn't survive the test of time. Always been tip to be the leader of the future, the person to look out, but more often than not, I came out short. Well, I could probably blame the others who made those comment to be casting too much expectation on me and caused me unnecessary stress so much so that it affect my performance. But think of it from another perspective. I am too complacent with the comments and thought that since people thought so highly of me, I could just wait a little longer to start what is needed to be done. Afterall, I can still make it right and live up to their expectations. And the sense of confidence, secretly transform into egoistic pride that I thought I was blessed with, ignoring all the necessary hardwork, soughting for the easiest and fastest way to get things done which could be foolish at times, thinking that it might impressed others.

Coming back to money, just watched an old movie - The confession of a shopaholic. Well, I am not a shopaholic in real life, but the mentality of a shopaholic can be related to myself in many ways. I always wanted some branded stuffs, fast cars, latest gadgets and whatever that is expensive. That is what I was always thinking, and I will need to get rich in order to get all the things that I want. But thinking back, if not for my shallow pockets, I would have splurge on whatever luxury items that came to my eye. You can call me brand snob or whatever, I don't care.

Despite having so many thoughts of getting a new phone, I still haven't got one yet. Not that I don't want to, but I don't need to. When I think closely on why I need a new phone, wifi, better camera, personal organiser, document readers, gps, etc. The list can go on and on. But the irony is I can live without all those things, I did it for the past 4 years since I got my phone and nothing is going wrong. So why do I need a new phone? My phone is still working perfectly, clear quality sound, impressive battery life and nice design. Basically it does everything I need for a phone except the dismal camera. But who cares? I have a DSLR... :D

I think its time to get myself some new clothes too.. Can't wait to shop for some new clothers. The next thing on my agenda when I reach my home in JB is to donate those clothes that I aren't wearing any more to some charitable organization... I feel bad when adding new items to my closet when I already have what I had, eventhough not all of them are nice... Anyway, its a good way to clear up some space for new ones...

Happy! the shopper side of me win this time... argh, whatever.... Just have to make sure that I have enough money to see me thought my trip and not get hungry...

One day trip to Antipolo...

2009-05-19T10:32:00.000+08:00

Went to the office for 3 and a half hours. I was told to take leave for half a day for an outing to some where secret. It was a fine day and I was kinda happy to leave the office earlier. What a relieve...

Went out with Angelica, Aica, Charmaine ( Ange Korean friend), Patrick ( from Germany) and Monic (from Netherlands). All six of us had squeeze in a tiny Cheverolet Optra more slightly more than 90 minutes when Charmaine's car broke off when we were 1 km away from out final destination. Aparently, the pipe for the coolant cooling the engine had burst. We got some help from Ange's uncle and hopped on the back of a pick-up truck and went to our final destination.

It was located on top of a mountain but more of a hill. The view there was awesome. The first thing in my mind was, omg, is this a private property? It looks like so much like a resort catering to the Europeans. It was simply majestic and relaxing. Can't imagine how people can leave in this kinda of place and make this home. What a waste, I thought to myself.

It is Ange's house. Her family own the entire piece of land. The place is secured with security guard at the entrance and taken care of my maids and gardeners. But sadly though, no reside there. They only use it as some kinda place for gathering or summer house.

When I walked into the house, I was struck immediately by the 4 paintings at the entrance. They were nothing short of spectacular. Revealing in front of our eyes were a large living room with couch arrange in half-hexagon which can fit 12 adults comfortably. The entire living room was decorated with many pieces of crystal artware. At the different side of the walls hung with paintings and corners decorated with religious statues.

We proceed to the next space which is the secondary living room sorta thing. The first huge living room looks more like a place to host guess and the second one is simply more comfortable. There is a piano at the corner too. Moving further was the dining room. This was the first time I ever saw such a long dining table. Those I thought can only be seen in the movie. It has a 22 person sitting capacity and surrounded by glass windows with gold-colored railings. The decor in the house is classic and luxury. It was everything any of us would ever wanted.

The balcony outside that oversees a a great view served as an ideal spot to enjoy a lovely summer afternoon with some snacks and some tea. Its so relaxing. The irony though, the place is covered by a thin layer of dust hinting that it has not been use for some time. What a pity.

Just when we thought, that is all, Ange brought us to her ranch. Yes, ranches with around 10 horses. It was my first time in my life to step into the stable and get so close to horse. I immediately fell in love with the horses. They are beautiful. There is one horse which is really huge that really freak us out. We thought it is gonna escape. Phew... and the white horse, is really really beautiful. They are such an elegant piece of life.. Due to time constraint, we weren't able to have the horse ride... Maybe next time...

We then check out the place for horse practice and took our rest at a place for worship. Well, it doesn't look entirely like a church due to the lack of walls as it was only supported by pillars, but the large crucifix at one end of the structure says it all. The whole 'building' was surrounded by different statues of the characters in the bible. All of them are crafted so nice beautifully and surronding the building with great pride. I almost cannot believe that I'm in Asia but for the heat of the sun and the mosquitoes.

After a eye-opening house visit. We then travelled back in another of Charmaine's car. This time was a larger car, so all of us can sit comfortably. The car was brought over by Charmaine's driver, yes, driver. Hmm, he rush over to with another car and check the condition of the broken car after she got the call from Charmaine.

Well, to be honest and not to offend anyone. The girls - Ange, Charmaine and Aica drove the car like hell. And all of the others in car are so worried that we buckle our seat belt even if we are sitting behind. The way they drive are another level of recklessness that I've ever witness. I was pure insane, much like the mood of a lady. There are many moment when said secretly to myself, omg, we are going to hit that car, bike, or whatever that is in front of us. All my toes were curled up and stepped hard on the ground as if I was hitting the breaks.

And then the expected of the unexpected happens. Our car hit one padestrian. He was walking by the road when our car hit him as the break just wasn't enough to stop the car completely. Bang! and we thought the man was gone, seriously. It happened so fast that none of us could react. We was left shell shocked. The driver Charmaine almost wet her pants and she thought the guy was dragged under the wheels. Luckily, that guy was fine. We was lectured by the guy for slightly more than 15 minutes before we move on. Charmaine was so shaken that Aica took over the wheels. Well, I was expecting a safer ride and it does. Aica was marginally better than Charmaine, which means that I was alert all time, observing my surrounding all the time.

After the long day and the hiccups along the way, we were all famish. Patrick and Monic had left us earlier as they were under curfew of their accomodation. So the four of us, Charmaine, Ange and Aica when for dinner. It was a nice place with nice ambience. There is live band performing too. We roamed around the large area before settling down for food. Human are weird creatures. We always ask for choices and prefer a variety to choose from. But the thing is we are always spoilt by choices in front of us and left us dumb founded for not knowing what to choose. I guess is the sense of greed that make us want this and that without being able to make a firm decision.

We continued walking until we found vegetables. Yes, vegetables. There are hard to find in the philippines. And I'm lucky today as not only I found vegetable but a stall which sell vegetarian food. All the food there are vegetables. So happy. Ordered the overcooked brocolli with brown rice and a BBQ pork for protein. It is the first time I found brown rice here. As usual, the dishes are salty, just have to bear with it. And that concludes an eventfu Monday.

Nice...

Sunday

2009-05-18T09:20:00.000+08:00

Sunday, a day where many Filipino attend church service to worship Jesus.

I had not been feeling well for the past few weeks. Technically, I'm sick. Had been eating a lot of vitamin C, strepsils and Biogesic (paracetamol). The sore-throat like sensation in my oral cavity has yet so subside. Can't do much about it though, just make sure that I have enough fluif during the day.

I am pretty tired and exhausted right now. Today, I had accomplish something by myself. I've always tell others that how I wish to go backpacking around the world. But all those empty talk doesn't bring me anywhere. In fact, I'm so good at talking that I myself believe that I can do it. But reality was just the opposite. I had found myself at a situation where I kept finding excuses not to venture out of my dorm alone. But the idea of staying in the room whole day urge me to take immediate action. I guess if you are not that discipline to follow through the plans, it would be helpful to have something to push you towards the completion.

At noon, I set off to one of the biggest mall in the world - SM Mall of Asia (MoA). Everything was going very smoothly where until I reach the point that I need walk towards my final destination, the mall. According to the map, the mall is about 1.5 kilometer away from the MRT station and so with the map in my hand, I started my journey. I walked for more than 30 minutes under the unforgiving summer sun. I was sweating like a cow before my effort paid off, the moment I saw the huge sign board showing Mall of Asia.

The mall was seriously huge! It is a great place for people who loves to shop, here I mean serious shopper with lots of cash to spare, not those triffy shopper looking for cheap deals. The are many premium brand in the mall offering the all-in-one solution for the snobs who feeds on branded items. As I do not fall into any of rich or hardcore shopper category, I walked past the outlets pretty fast. I was on my quest for the sea. Yes, the MoA is facing the sea and there are plenty restorans and bars that setup facing the sea. The breeze from the sea was refreshing, cooling me down from the summer heat.

A stroll by the sea, no beach though, I saw many filipino families and couple sitting at the coconut trees along the sea. It was as if they were having picnic, only without food and beverages. All the spots under the coconut trees are literally colonized. Sadly though, the scenery from the seaside was nothing to shout about. Not a good time to take picture as well, as it was really hot. The good thing is that I manage to use my CPL and witness its various effects. I also tried to shoot most of my pictures using M mode.

Learned my lesson, I took a jeepney back to the MRT station. Despite my previous bad experience riding jeepney, my ride today was quite pleasant, partly due to the smooth going traffic. The 10 minutes jeepney ride only cost 7 peso. Really cheap, if you don't mind squeezing the small space with other people and breathing some exhaust gas.

I then went to Malate, a northward bound town. It suppose to have a nice church and nice sea view. But my timing was bad. It was drizzling when I reach Malate. What a pity. I tried to ask the security guard at a restaurant for the direction to the church but all I got was he had not heard about the church. Unfaltered, I went directly to the seaside. Along the way, there are many vendors selling different items from pirate DVDs, belts, wallets, cartoon models, snacks and so on. I felt like I was walking into a slump. There are a few occasions where I saw children sleeping by the stall of their parents. There was 2 occasion where it struck me deeply. The first was a little girl sleepy along a wooden platform of a busy street. She looks like 6-7 years old and lying there with her torn clothes. What a sight... The 2nd being a little boy lying half-naked in the middle of the stairway to the MRT station. The elder one who is around 5 year old put his hand over the younger boy which I presume is his brother which is around 3 years old. I cut mineral bottle was placed next to them with 3 coins inside.

I followed the direction on the map and head back to my dorm. To my surprise, I was wrong for following the map. I had alight one station earlier from my real destination. I end up spending an extra 10 peso just for another stop. Sigh...

Anyway, it was a nice day for me to see how people live and a good day for me to understand more about myself. Its a journey of self-discovery that you can't do it in your comfort zone. The real challenge only begins when you step out of the comfort zone. Things are never as difficult as we thought. Just do it and ask for help when needed.

Lonely Saturday...

2009-05-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

Pretty boring day, was all alone most of the time...

Currently, sitting next to the window over looking the road in Mc Donalds. This is my second time in Mc Donalds today. Only bought the drinks in order to sit and use the free wifi here. Though my friend say it is ok not to purchase anything to use the wifi, but I felt better to make a minimum purchase as a fee to use the wifi there.

I'm pretty happy with my dinner today. Went to the food street next to St. Francis square that my room mate recommended. Those food sold there are nothing fancy and really down-to-earth and so is the price. I had a combo meal with consisting of 2 bowl of rice and 2 dishes together with a bowl of soup.

To be honest, the food doesn't look particularly appealing and I wasn't too sure what I ordered as well. I ordered one tuna cutlet which is very generous in its portion and a vegetable like dish that I do not recognise. Anyway, they only cost me 50 pesos. A really good deal. Value meal aside, the dishes are quite salty and the soup taste like brine a layer of oil on it. I tried to drink a few spoonful of the soup, but it is just to salty for my palate.

I was told by friend that filipinos are not rich and the reason that they eat a lot of rice is because it is produce locally hence it is the cheapest source of carbohydrate. Next, salty dish allow them to eat more rice but not increasing the amount of meat. Hence, a typical one dish & one rice meal will cost as low as 35 peso, and it is a lot of rice.

When to one of the biggest bookstore chain in Philippines - National bookstores. Well, as I'm pretty used to either MPH and Popular, I'm kinda condused with the arrangement of books in the store. But with the help of Jeric, I'm able to navigate through the forest of books. After some comparison, I found out that the books here are cheaper than those sold in Malaysia. I was quite shock when I found out that the exact same book I purchased last week in MPH is much more expensive compared to that in Philippines.

Have been reading a lot recently, as there is nothing much I can do. The absence of constant internet connection and other form of entertainment makes me resort to reading. Had finished those books that I brought from Malaysia and 4 copies of magazine. In need to find something to kill my time, I was searching for a few books to read. Went to at least 4 bookshops to find a book but end up purchasing a copy of 2nd book at 160 peso. A typical price of a new book will be about 300 peso. Due to tight budget, I wasn;t able to buy a new book as that will caused me to starve for the next whole week.

The stupid Mc Donalds switched off their wifi... Wtf...

Friday...

2009-05-15T18:55:00.001+08:00

Just finished one of the worst salad I've ever eaten in my live. Yea, it might not make sense and you might just say then why still finish it? Well, this has a lot to do with my crave for green vegetables. I've been on a quest to look out for nice leafy green. But I can't seem to find them whenever I go. All I can do was keep finding.

It happened today. I just passing by the restaurant and a green illustration on the menu brought me into the restaurant. I was very delighted when the description under the illustration read 'Caesar Salad'. I've fallen for it instantly, I ordered it without considering the price. The salad cost a staggering 101peso, almost the same price as a Big Mac set meal. Despite the exorbitant cost, I still went for it. It just proved how desperate I am for fresh green.

The salad looks dissapointing though. It only consist one type of green vegetable and dressed with some thousand island sauce and finished with a lil parmesan powder and crutton. The crutton taste very buttery. When I tried the crutton, it kinda reminds me the crutton that Gina had made. I can some what taste the crutton she made with the surreal taste of oregano lingering in my mouth. It made me missed it so much despite the fact that I used to be indifferent with the crutton she made. But at this moment right now, it had became the best crutton I had. I bet that I can make better salad then what is sold here, given my love in fresh salads.

Finally finished, a week into work. Weekend is ahead of me. But I've made an unexpected move that has shock Jeric. I don't know what makes me take the move to call him but I just did. The idea was just lingering in my mind before this but right now it is a message conveyed and it is a issue to be addressed tomorrow. I had told Jeric my desire to switch to another internship in Philippines. I have lost my patience to wait on the company. For the past few days in office, I was just idylling. Not doing any construction nor beneficial. It was a feeling that I do not like. I don't need to come all the way here to feel that. I've been feeling that a lot during before exams. I had enough. I really can't imagine how I can continue that for the next 6 weeks. It will be a sheer torture to me.

Lets hope things will turn out well for me.

Lastly, really glad with the outcome of the phone interview with GE Healthcare. Can't wait to experience GE soon!!!

Ponder...

2009-05-15T09:23:00.000+08:00

Finally, I managed to eat rice for the 1st time in 3 period of days. It was quite a revelation to be able to rekindle with my asian staple.

Unlike my routine for the past two days, I didn't went to Mc Donalds to go online. In fact, I went directly after work for my quest of better food and I succeeded. It made it realised something, sitting at the corner sulking about live doesn't make things better, it just make you feel worse for yourself. I've managed to see the different local food offered at lower price than that of those fast food chain. Despite my discovery, I had ate my dinner a chinese restaurant - ChowKing. I'm really impressed by its business model, it can be thought as combining Mc Donalds and traditional chinese restoran in one premise. Menu and order placement like you did for fast food but service and food delivery like a chinese restaurant.

Two of my roomates are in the room right now. This two person which work in the call centre really open my eye to whole new level understanding on post-retirement boredom and the spirit of young people fighting for their career.

It just made me realized how bless I am with whatever I have and those things that I've taken for granted in live. We all might heard from the others saying how live can be difficult for people from other part of the world and how we should treasure and appreciate what we have at the moment. But listening can never beat the impact you got from witnessing the situation and living that experience yourself. I can guarantee that you just can't believe how can these people stay on like this for more than a year. I also manage to see how people can be creative and resourceful to accomplish and fulfill their needs.

How many people now can iron their their own clothes? I guess more than 90% can say yes to this. But what if you do not have an ironing board & no table? That guy just put his pillow in top of two stools arrange side by side and lay a piece of thick cloth on top of his pillow to make his own ironing board. Just for your information, the height of the ironing board is slightly higher than the kneww level. Can you imagine how hard it is to iron your clothes on a soft surface with you bending your back like some kinda old hunch back? It was just so tiring. He earned my respect yet again, when he shine his shoe using the old tradiotional way - with a bruss. I doubt many can remember how to do that as we are so used to liquid shoe shine.

Next, its the old retiree from the US. He was a Filipino but fled to the states 30 years ago due to political instability. He has a good live in US with all his family and friends over there. But he had came back to Philippines alone when he got a job offer here while on a short visit. He had stayed in this room for 2 years all alone without any kin here. When asked about what makes him leave all he have in US and come over to Philippines? His answer was simple yet powerful, "I'm don't like to be alone." His children are all so busy with their work that he would have to take up the role of a nanny to look after his grandchildren. But contrary to most chinese folks who are more than willing to do so for their children, the idea of staying at home whole day baby-sitting his granchildren just doesn't appeal to him. Hence, there he is, in the Philippines. Eating Mc Donald's most of the time here. I guess the only highlight of his day is talking to his family via skype during the day. The rest of the time was spent alone watching pirated DVDs and talking to random people like me...

It is interesting to know how people think and live their live as we always thought everyone is doing the same thing and we expect people to follow what we do, following the same set of rules.

Enough about that...

Had a short chat with my supervisor before going off from work today. He had been nice to me and I really appreciate what he has done for me. Perhaps he is the most approachable person in the company. I had told him about my unhappiness about what is going on in the company as I doesn't have any specific task to do. I was literally sitting there doing whatever I want to do. He had expressed his apologies for not being able to delegate things to me and I can totally understand where he is coming from. The reason being that he is the one incharge of the company's big clients and all the project has a long timeline. Hence, his job is to simply follow up with the progress of a specific project until its completion. The logic will say that he is the person knowing what is going on while I'm just a small fry who came over few days ago. Without any background knowledge on the whole project, how am I suppose to render help?

Another thing that really glad is that we have some common values. The most obvious one would be the fact that both of us enjoys field work and believe that it is where you learn the most. For that, he had offered to utilise his contact to arrange some manufacturing plant visit just for that purpose. But I had kindly turn it down as that is not part of his job though I really appreciate that offer. I do fancy the idea of anything more things to his plate when he has already so much do.

In return, I try to asked about the problem he had been facing in his work and I'll will try my best to come up with a solution. I was literally creating job for myself and assuming the role of a consultant and I really like that idea. At least, I know that there is something that I can do and it was a relief of his burden to guide me. Its a win win situation for us.

On the side note, he was not aware that I will be working with him prior to my arrival. To be exact, both of us found out that we will be working together almost at the same time. Anyway, its over. Who cares?

3rd Day at work

2009-05-14T17:17:00.000+08:00

Another day in the office, another day passed…
Nothing seems to change since the first day I got the company. It was pretty much the same old routine for the past few day. Reading in the office, and random surfing online. Well, it does get pretty frustrating at times. I come all the way here just to read and surf? I can do the exact in my own room in Johore!

After some reflection, this is not that bad after all. There is no point for me to complain and sulk about what I am experiencing. Afterall, I made this decision myself. And it actually gives me more time to read. I mean seriously reading. At the same time it also gives me time to look back and reflect on the kind of live that I've been living so far. More importantly, I've managed to get a taste of how it feels to be an expat and working in an enclosed space from 9-6pm. Perhaps it just reminds me that this is not the way I wanna spend the rest of my life. Its way too boring...

Despite only been here for less than a week, but my learning experience by far are from talking and interacting with people. The exact opposite from what I've expected when I sign up for this internship thingy. To be very frank, I did not do anything, besides reading and surfing in the office. Perhaps the most significant thing I do here, is to entertain my supervisor which works in a office quite far from the rest of the colleagues. But you could also say that, by far, I'm am just taking up his time for those casual talks. Whatever it is, I don't really care. All I know that, he is a down-to-earth and nice person.

I just finish another book. Guess I would need to get another book to read. The good news is I can read a new book but on the other hand, it simply means that I need to spend again. But the issue with getting a new book would be the exorbitant price. Yes, we know that the writers need to get paid as they have a family to feed, but the price of the books are simply too high. Determined to control my spending, I turn my option on the free resources - the old magazines in the office which includes Reader Digest and Newsweek. Well, there are quite old and has been there for some time now, but at least they are still readable and Reader Digest is always interesting to read. As always.

My sore throat doesn't seems to get any better after it gone full blown last nigth. Some Strepsils don't seems to help much too. Just gonna bear with it for the moment.
A piece of great news for today - No Mc Donald's !!! Yea, finaly managed to shrug off McD from my diet. I need to eat healthy and eat cheap. Thats the way to go!

Look forward for tomorrows phone interview with GE Healthcare. Hope it will get me my dream internship with GE!

Till then.

2nd day at work...

2009-05-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

Just ended my second day at work.

It was the same old thing. Did nothing much during the day, in fact nothing at all except attending a meeting with the stakeholders and government officials. It was quite a boring session though as the whole meeting was conducted in Tagalog which I could not understand. So, I was basically sitting there doing nothing. Nevertheless, it was an eye-opening experience for me. The way they do things here appeared to be quite interesting. I was totally caught off-guard when everyone on their feet when the meeting was initially started. Guess what? Singing of National Anthem! I wasn’t expecting that at all. But I do think that it was a good way to show patriotism to the country that we earn our living and shelter.

The meeting was held at an overcrowded ‘conference’ room in a Chinese restaurant – Jade Palace. The meeting environment wasn’t a place that someone would proudly acclaim for, but it served its purpose perfectly. As, this was a meeting addressing the impact of the project on the stakeholders by our client, the venue was selected based on the preference of the stakeholders and most convenient for them. This point convenient is very important and I think that it is a point worth stressing again. The rationale behind this is because the traffic in the Philippines can be considered one of its kind. One may expected numerous unexpected variables on the road. The traffic condition at a certain point of time is totally unpredictable. But there is an exception to this. One thing for sure, it is going to be crazily congested.

I’ve managed to cut down my recent Mc D diet to two meals today. Looking forward to cut it to one desert per day at Mc Donald’s as they offer free wifi connection, a perfect reason for me to return every day. Despite the services, I’ve finally got the taste of what will happen for having 3 meals per day at Mc D. Finally, I am feeling severe sore throat and the sensation of easiness, a clear sign before a full-blown fever. God Damn it! I really don’t like the local cuisine. They are salty, dry and boring. I love variety in my food. I value a balance diet! But it seems impossible here! These people can just live on a large portion of white rice and a tiny amount meat which is you know what, SALTY! And what pissed me off is the fact that they only have one dish to go with their humongous amount of white rice! No greens, no colored food – NO FIBRE!!! This is one thing that I cannot really appreciate. Hence, I have resorted to Mc D and whole meal bread. Yea, I know Mc D doesn’t make any difference, but at least, it’s a familiar taste. :P

First day at work

2009-05-13T08:47:00.000+08:00

I’ve finally checked in to my ‘permanent’ accommodation in Philippines after some tough time with the rigid administration of Metro Dorm. I’m actually taking over a bunk that used to be slept by Patrick, an intern from Germany. He was sleeping here for the past 2 weeks before moving to another place nearer to the place he is working.

Anyway, the idea of sharing the room with 3 stranger wasn’t really appealing to me as I had not expected that at all. But there isn’t much that I can do either, as that is the only accommodation available near my working place. My first impression when I first walked into the room was, OMG! Are you sure that I’m going to stay here for the next few weeks? Jeez, it roughly measures 7x4 meters, and it consist of only 2 double Decker bed and a small iron cupboard for each occupant. It’s clear to me now, it is just a place to sleep, nothing more than that.

I’ve finally met all the occupants. Luckily, there are nice people - one interesting old man from US who originated from Philippines and 2 locals. It was fun and interesting talking to them as I managed to know different things from different perspective. I got to know that 90% of the occupants are nursing students and there are more than 100 call centers around this Ortigas. The most important thing I realized is how people have work so hard to earn a living away from their home town.

It was my first day to work. It was quite a boring day to be frank. There is nothing much on my plate and I wasn’t expecting to read some documents about the environmental law in Philippines. Anyway, I did it to kill some of my time in the office. It was pretty cool because it is a good time where I can evaluate whether I would enjoy the office working live from 9-6pm. After all, that’s what many people wanted after they finish college. The only highlight in the day was a visit to the clients company to settle some issues.

I was assigned to work under Gabi, my supervisor. He is a trained engineered and have been working in the industry for many years. He is currently handling the big clients and big projects of the company. It was quite fun working with him. He is very friendly and always explaining different things to me. He treats me really well. Despite his effort, I do believe that he is not used to guide an intern like me because he just let me do whatever I want. Anyway, I think that is just the beginning. Perhaps more will come with time. I’m pretty comfortable working with him as I am trained as an engineer too. So our way of thinking doesn’t vary too much. Analytical. Lol…

Hope that I can learn more things as the time pass by… as right now, all seems to be going well and falling in place.

During my first day at work, I’ve also achieve something that I never done before. Guess what? I had all my 3 meals in Mc Donald. Crazy ain’t it? Well, it is not that I really love Mc Donald so much but because it offers free wifi and its really near my working place. The costs of food in Ortigas are almost the same price and the local food makes me kinda sick. Although I’ve been here for a few days but the food here was almost always the same – lots of white rice and meat. That’s all! How can I eat those every time? I need vegetables and I need variety and I don’t eat a lot of rice! OMG! I really need to source out more places that I can eat. I guess Filipinos really love rice and it can be seen anywhere. I was kinda surprise when I saw all of my colleagues brought their own lunch! And you guess it, one dish and a hell lot of rice.

2009-05-11T09:27:00.003+08:00

Its day 3 in Manila.

Woke up in a comfortable hotel moments ago, hoping that this moment could last through out my trip in Philippines. The feeling of the hotel feels exactly the same, no matter where you are. It just does not speak too much about the country when you are in the room. The interior arrange to the services are what we have expected it to be. The only difference is perhaps the sun is already showing its full blast at 6am in the morning.

I arrived in Diosdado Macapagal International Airport (DMIA) two days ago. I can't sleep well the night before my flight. I just don't know why. Perhaps this is the first time I'm on a trip alone without any family members or companions. Found out moments earlier that I should have bought the ticket from another airline that will land in Ninoy Aquino International Airport (NAIA) which is nearer to the place that I will be staying. But there is nothing much that I can do at that moment as all my tickets are booked and paid.

My flight was delayed for 35 minutes before taking off. The pilot informed us that the engineering crew is still inspecting something after all the passengers had boarded the plane. How the hell was that suppose to happen? Anyway, let forget about that. My first step into the plane was a shear joy and a pleasant surprise as that was the exact same air stewardess that I saw during my flight to Hanoi last December. That was some kinda coincidence in work. Amazing.

Although this is not the first time I took a plane, but it was definitely the first time I felt motion sickness when riding a plane and I totally do not expect that to happen. It got so bad that I almost puke when the was about the land. Lucky enough for me, I manage to pull it through. The feeling was so bad that I start to perspire in a air-conditioned condition. I really hate that feeling as it reminded me of those time when I suffered from sea sick.

The DMIA was a very simple airport and it serves it purpose well. Despite the lack of many merchants and shops in the airport, but I was attracted by its simplicity and the fuss free experience that it gave me. From the custom clearance to luggage collection until walking out of the airport was a breeze. It does not poses the long and lavish unnecessary walkway to exit the airport as some other airports. The walk time from the luggage collection to the exit of the airport would only need 3 minute max! (Not exaggerating here)

Took a cab to Manila to meet up with Mio that will be showing me around to the place that I will stay for that night. Something happened before I met him at the mall. As cellphone was low on credit and I do not know anyone there; standing alone in one of the largest mall in the world not knowing what to do not knowing where to locate Mio. Desperate for help, and I know that i really needed it. From that moment onwards, I am prepare to be shameless and asked for whatever help needed. There is no place for personal pride at that moment. I was standing in front of Dunkin Donuts. I mustered all my courage and asked the person next to me if he could lend me his cellphone. To my surprise he is not local and I was fast to get dissapointed with the thought that my first attempt was futile. But the generous Thai national is fast to read my thought and offered his help despite he is using international roaming which is very expensive. We made a sort introduction and exchanges our name card; he was actually an expat from Thailand working as a marketing advisor at some firm in Ortigas, Manila (the place that I will be working) for one week every month. Very interesting indeed. Whats more surprising was that he had extended his intention to keep in touch which really touched me that there is still love and peace in people and made me understand the value of peace and love more. He even extended his invitation to me to visit Thailand when I'm free!

Spent later that night at a wonderful gentleman's house with his family. Paolo introduced me to his family, her mom- Gigi, his brother-Kim and his sister Nikki. I do not those if I was spelling their name correctly, but at least thats how they sound. I spend the next day with whole family. It was a nice experience as I was able to stay with a pseudo host family. I can say that not even a stay in a 5 star hotel can match the feeling of staying in the local Philippino home. It was a good start to experience the live as a local.

I went to church with the whole family for Sunday service. Because of this, I have had the opportunity to travel in 2 types of public transport that represents Philippines - Tricyle and Jeepney. Tricycle was a essentially a motorcycle with a carrier attached to its side. And it can transport a maximum of 6 passengers! That was crazy. It is quite a popular choice of transportation for short distance travelling as it is very cheap, a 5 minutes ride would probably cost around 7 peso. Next up is the Jeepney. It is a vehicle that functions like a bus but looks like an extended Jeep. There are plenty of those on the street and you can see them literally everywhere. It is also a very way to travel around Philippines. But I do not really enjoy taking Jeepney as the ride was quite bumpy due to the stiff suspension used by the vehicle. Together with horrendous traffic jam and the polluted air that made me suffer during my jeepney ride. I was so sicked after I exit the jeepney. Phew...

An interesting thing about the Philippinos are the fact that they are always late. LOL...

Before departing...

2009-05-09T00:31:00.002+08:00

Its slightly past midnight and I do not know how to describe my feeling at this moment. My schedule flight is in 10 hours time. Logically, I should be in bed right now. But I'm still sitting in front of the computer typing this.

In a few hours, I will be flying to The Philippines for my AIESEC internship. I've always wanted this and has always ask people that I know to go for it. And now, my opportunity is here. Yet, the sense of uncertainty kicks in and I was wondering whether I made the right choice...

Even though I always wanted to go overseas and experience live on the other part of the world - alone. But I've never try this before not to mention going overseas alone. The inner side of me sorta coward out at this very moment. It is only now did I realized, once again, its easier said than done. The thought of what might happen to me over there? What if this or that happen? How am I gonna deal with it? There are so many what if questions that flashes in my mind... yet, none of them are factual... Plenty of different images just rushes through my mine... replaying those scene in the movie...

Just hope that everything will turn out fine for me there.

What is a man?

2009-04-17T11:36:00.002+08:00

Came across this nice article online ...

What Is a Man?
By Tom Chiarella for Esquire

A man carries cash. A man looks out for those around him -- woman, friend, stranger. A man can cook eggs. A man can always find something good to watch on television. A man makes things -- a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. Or he rebuilds -- engines, watches, fortunes. He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him. A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man can speak to dogs.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

Style -- a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the wrist and the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his bottom.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man knows how to ridicule.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man knows his tools and how to use them -- just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this -- to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't. Who knows what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.

Restarting...

2009-04-10T22:17:00.002+08:00

It had been a good one year since I last update this blog. Perhaps I lacked the discipline to update my blog regularly and enjoys complacency in reading others blog posts. Or maybe I do not have people reading my blog, and it certainly make perfect sense as in why I'm in still blogging if no one is reading? I might as well forget about all this. There are so many perhaps or maybe that I can come up with and the list just goes on and on...

People can come up with tons of reasons and excuses for not doing something and there is never short of excuses for that. This has happened to me so often that I've lost count of the times that I've come up with an fictitious excuse to push things away. It has become so habitual that I can no longer differentiate if what I came up with was an excuses or a fact. Kinda deceiving ain't it?

Things haven't been going to well lately...

Finals is in 6 days time. Yet, I just started my preparations few days ago. It was a stark contrast of action from what happened last semester. I wish I have the same drive, same energy to push myself to prepare for this exam and kill it off. But something is just missing. I don't feel the sense of urgency and even if I have, I am frustrated by the things that I haven't understood for the past few months. It was a total disaster...

A planned beautiful Good Friday to study turn out sour when I can't find a conducive place to study... End up slacking in my room, slacking on random surfing... Yea, might be just another excuses that I came up with, to deceive myself and make myself feel better.. no conducive place to study.. yea, right...

Whatever...

Random

2008-04-25T11:33:00.003+08:00

Last paper for second semester is 2 days away which also means holiday is just around the corner. Logically, it should be some sort of motivation for me to work and spend the last moment of available time to make the most out of this semester. But, No, in fact, I've been a relaxing mood all this while. I don't know whats wrong. It sounds like a stupid answer just by saying that I don't know whats going wrong with myself. But, that is just the truth. Jeez.

Anyway, there are a few possible reason that can account for my current state. 1st, maybe the modules this semester is slightly milder compared to last semester or perhaps I'm more adapt to varsity life. 2nd, I don't really pay too much attention on academic results as compared to before. I'm paying more attention to what I can learn and the experience I can gain.

I always have those willful thinking to accomplish all the things that I think will be interesting instead of focusing on the task thats in front of me. Having that said doesn't mean I don't give what I have now a damn, just not as much as they deserved. Thats all.

Weirdly enough, a person who likes to be everywhere in the world ( no chance yet) will miss home so badly. I just feel from my heart that I wanna spend more time at home and enjoying time with my family. This may be attributed to my buddy's family incident whereby his dad passed away few weeks ago. It becomes some kinda alarm that knock me on my shell. Phew.. misses the time where I can have lots of time preparing food and enjoying it with people that I love.

Right now, I'm looking forward to my long awaiting holiday and hope this semester to end soon as I am very eager to embrace my new journey in life. Hmm, though I have put my relationship with Gina on hold, so called ex if you want to. But I just feel that we are just as close. Though it might sounds superficial as we communicate mostly via internet but I still appreciate that a lot. I can share a lot of my feeling without holding back too much of it and worry of the consequences that might arise if I would to share it with others. I just feel save confide in her.

It seems a short break bring us closer, I guest? Don't know if she feels that way, but it sure makes me more comfortable and give me more space to think about it. Seriously, I won't deny the possibilities of getting back together. But there is hurdle proved hard to overcome if I chose to working things back again. She will be further away very soon to pursue her long awaited studying opportunity. I've hoping her to do that for a long time. But the idea of her leaving further away makes me slightly sad. It become some kinda of dilemma to me that I wanted the best for her, yet I'm not really willing to be too far away.

I start to realised lately that I'm the one who rely on her all this while. Its kinda a surprising to acknowledge this fact. I have been relying on her to share my thoughts and anything that comes to my head. Hardly she will have peace when I'm online where she have things to do while listening to me at the same time. I'm sort of an attention seeker. I think so. Thus, I really don't know what to do next... kinda confused...

Sometimes, I really misses the times where we get physical, mind me I don't mean intercourse here. And I just can't help myself to get a lil bit of those when we meet to make me feel better. Sounds selfish ain't it? D'uh. can't help. Loser? You bet.

Whatever it is, some times I just feel that it might some kinda unfair to her. As our relationship is not clearly define and I don't know if she would mind or what so ever, and in most cases she will say she is ok, just to make me not guilty. She considerate. Yeap, undeniable. And I dare to say there are a lot of things that I wish to do with her but I don't feel appropriate. Wanting and doing it actually is very different and there are consequences that I really need to consider for doing those. haiz.. I'm a guy... sigh..

Anyway, hopefully, the angel side of me prevails... :P I will try my best to beat those evils... I know i will....

Time Machine

2008-03-17T00:21:00.002+08:00

I'm getting more and more confuse myself... What's really going on? Yeap, we have put our relationship on hold, but we are seemingly as close as ever though not as close compared to before. It just feels so normal when we met and not doing what we used to do just make both of us feels uneasy.. Thats what I think... Its like so awkward.

Yet, we succumb to the old times.. Mind me, its not that I don't like it.. I initiate it cause I really feels like. And I just feel so compel to do so. Its really hard to get over someone and even so when she is the person you met and have so many beautiful memories.

I just feel so wrong about what we have done as best friends. But I just can't resist. Its just feel so so comfortable to me.. I felt relax and feel as if I don't have anytime to worry about. I'm serious.. It just makes me feel good. No wonder those people who lead a solitary live didn't live as long as those with partners. I'm really shit now..

In fact, I started everything. sigh..What should I do? I don't really know also.. Hopefully things just gonna be right and we can get back to the right track... one thing for sure, she is someone really special and not easy to get over... Its a dilemma..

3.3.08

2008-03-03T22:28:00.002+08:00

Today, the 3rd of March was a very special day... Two events had fall on the same date every year and I don't think I will forget this is my lifetime...

The 1st would be my younger sister's birthday... She is currently doing pretty well and will be entering University this coming July, if I'm not wrong.. Not really sure. But I'm sure she will have a great prospect ahead of her, as she is very hardworking and determine person. By the way, she will be a future dentist... It really feels good to have a doctor in your family, don't you think so?

Exactly one year ago, I called her and ask her out for a drink. It was because I can no longer hold back myself and I really wanna let her know how I feel and asking for any room to further our relationship. It was my first time confessing to a gal as I had never had such experience before. And she gave me a 'green light' that day... I was so delighted... I just can't use any other words to descrube my feeling at that time... I can still remember vividly that we met at the Coffee Bean in Pelangi Plaza in the afternoon. It is a pretty sudden decision that I ask her out.And I was so afraid that I might get the answer that I fear the most. But it turns out to be great.

Now, one year after that event we are best friends. We decided to end our relationship due to some complication in my studies and her family problem. But it was a mutual thingy as we did not argue or whatever over the event. It was a sad one though. It is the also the first time I realised how your heart can be pain even without any physical contact. Yet, I never blame her for anything. For she is still my best friend... And i will always miss you - regina...

What a day...

2008-02-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

Finally, the long awaited recess week is here. It supposed to be some kinda period for us to recharge ourself before facing the test but to me its more of a revising week. Maybe we should change it to 'catching up week'.

Currently, I'm sitting comfortably in front of my home computer typing this. Yea, I've taken few days off my recess to recharge myself in my home country. Perhaps I should say slacking around instead of recharging. I always enjoy the feeling of being home. It just feels great. I never felt like this before but ever since I study in Singapore, getting home once in a while became one of my favorite chill out. The irony is, no matter how much I enjoy to be home, I always wanted to stay in my hostel and do my studying. Simply because I just can't study at home. Its just too comfortable. Lots of memories and friends around.

It had been more than one month since we became friends again. But we still kept constant contact with one another. Its like no matter how hard we try to draw the line, there is still some kinda of attraction between us. The sense of belonging is still felt. We went out for a movie this morning and it was a very enjoyable time. Though we might not be as close as we are but we somehow still feel connected to each other. I can feel that she is trying to put her feelings away and trying to be strong as if she is real good in front of me. But I know she really needs a shoulder to accompany her during this period of time which I failed to do so.

Despite all those, we still remain as close friends. I remember she mentioned something to me. Its something like ' you always mentioned I'm the one who knows you the most, yet I feel as if I don't know much about you'. Its something pretty true. I never did told her too much about my personal background or stuff, instead I ask a lot about hers which I now think that its pretty unfair. So I would not blame her, if she made that comment.

Yet, what makes her so special is that we can talk about anything under the sun. Though its not like we can talk none stop, but what I meant is that the feeling of existence of each other is good enough even without talking. We sorta share the same 'channel'.

I really glad to have know her and I will never forget all the memories. But no one knows how things are going to be in future... Let's just see...

Feeling confuse...

2008-01-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to start but I just feeling helpless and completely lost. I've never felt like this before. I felt so different from yesterday where I felt so inspired and motivated to charged forward. I'm in vain. There are so many things that needed to be done. So many different things clogging in my mind, yet, not one that make me feel more sense in studies. It is totally the wrong feeling.

I was doing my tutorial questions just now. I realised that my basic knowledge is so damn poor. I can't even remember the formulas or theorems that I had used for so many times and kept on referring back to the old notes. It was as if I was stuck at the old time, never move forward. It was frustrating to do that every now and again.My mind just didn't function that efficient after all, or perhaps never have been. I would never know.

Other peoples, my course mates and friends are able to solve the question pretty easily yet I struggle so much and spend so much time doing it but only manage to complete a few questions. The pace and efficiency really reflects my current ability. I should not take so much time doing one question but I really wanna think about it and solve it. The problem is that i kept on trying and trying, but I just couldn't get it. Perhaps I have to work triple.

My mind just wouldn't give me a peace of mind. I kept on thinking about my ex. Although I know that it is already a fact and we kept in contact and remain as best friend which is definitely true. But sometimes I just think of her when I saw other couples passing by and doing stuff like that. It just remind me of the sweet old days with her. I know its gonna take sometime to help me get over the feeling but I'll never know how long as she was my 1st ever girlfriend. The are so many 1st, that I experience with her which I will never forget. There are so many moments that I can recall vividly in my mind. It was mere memory. I just felt so weird, there is sometimes when I missed her and there is sometimes that I won't. I just don't know how but whatever that seems familiar or similar reminds me of her.

I know that she had been bug by her family problem. She is suffering a lot from that and I realised that it just happened again when she asked me for a chat. I just felt sorry for her and really sad for her. She has to deal these things on her own. That is one of the reason her decided to call things off with me because she don't wanna burden me so much with her family problems. I really appreciate her kindness. This had make me feeling bad as she is so thoughtful for me yet I can't repay her in kind. Perhaps the only way to repay her kindness and justify her decision is to do well in things that I do and hopefully I won't let her down and let her know all she had done is right.

Thats all I have to say.. I'm so tired, confused, vain and empty....

Grateful heartache

2008-01-14T00:30:00.000+08:00

Today, 13 of Jan 2008. I had step into another stage of my life. Just a few hours ago, my beloved girlfriend and I decided to call our relationship to an end. This is my first relationship so far and I still vividly remember when and where I asked her to be my girl. Our relationship had last for a little bit more than 10 months. And the reason for our decision is not because we had some fight or whatever. It is base on the purest kind of love whereby letting go might be the best decision for both party.

I've had a lot of great memories with my girl. She is always there when I need her. She never failed to keep me happy and make me feels like a man. I really cherished everything that she had done for me. We both realized that one day, things like this is going to happen but we choose to fell in love with one another. Although we might not be a lovey-dovey couple like some others but the connection deep inside was so strong and the feeling was great.

I would never forget the moments we've spent together and things we went through that only we know. Even the box of the first present that she gave was still kept nicely in my closet. Every single thing that she gave was treated with the utmost care and love.

I didn't blame her for raising this question as we all know it i going to happen sooner or later. It is just a matter of time. I'm sorry that she felt inferior in this relationship due to my backgrounds and achievements as well as the circumstances that she is in. I can totally how she felt and she did this because of me. She sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of my future. The sense of inferiority is taking its toll on her and only makes her feel worse. I'm really sorry for what I've cause her.

Our relationship had went pretty well for the first few months and the real challenge starts when I had to leave and pursue my studies here in Singapore. Although we are not really that far from each other compared to some others but the impact was there. The quality time that we can spend together had reduce significantly. And I can't be there for her when she needs me. Its a very tough period for us but we start to get use to it. The problem starts to arise after sometime. We don't share the same language as we do before and there is a considerable gap between us. We tried our part to get things back but things aren't working out too well. Perhaps, things aren't always gonna go our way. Things just get worse when she was struck by the own family affair. That was one of the biggest to date and I wasn't there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry and someone to hug her and comfort her.

She never cried in front of me and never would. But that incident cause her to call me and cry in the phone while talking to me. My heart was aching so hard when I listen to her crying. How wish I can be there for her. She had became a part of me and a habit of mine that I've been taken for granted all this while. I never realised how painful it is going to be until I loss it.

I'm not sure whether the decision we made is correct or not. And I was wondering if it would be appropriate to reconcile with her. I would never rule out reconciling with her when she is ready. Right now I just wish everything would be fine and she will be happy. We'll see how things are going to go on and if we still have feelings for each other after sometime then I will definitely follow my heart.

I'll miss you, darling...

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T02:26:00.000+08:00

It is 2 hours and 26 minutes pass year 2008! It is a brand new year which also means new challenges and new heights to be conquer.. Yes, my new year wish is that I will get my CGPA back to the first class range... which mostly means that I'll have to score full 5 points next semester. I'll work towards that for sure. Even though I might not be the best in class but I'll try to get myself into the 1st class cluster. I will.

Well, just had a wonderful dinner with my old friends. Its a countdown cum reunion party. We also used this as a farewell dinner to one of my buddy, Shin Liang who is leaving for US on 3rd of Jan. I'm really proud of him to be able to further his studies overseas in New York State University. Besides that, it was also a dream come true for me. I've always wanted to cook a full course dinner for my friends and I actually did it today. It was wonderful though not perfect.

The menu :
Greek salad, Mashed potato, mushroom soup, garlic bread, chicken cordon blue, sparkling lemonade, mango cake and finally chocolate fondue.

It was a very very sumptous meal. Although the cost is a little bit too high compare to the previous gathering but this one would definitely be the best one to date. It's kinda pity we can't have all our brothers attending this reunion. The absentees Wee Ser and Soon Jeck due to other commitments. But we can understand. We might not be together but we still have each other in our heart and that is the most important thing.

What made this dinner a success is everybodys' involvements and commitment. Everyone is so helpful and so willing to help. Even though we might not have enough experience and some don't even cook for more than 2 times, but with sheer determinations and faith. We managed to pulled it through anyway. Its not the outcome that is more important but the process. The process of everybody involving in getting something done and enjoying the fruit of the hard work together. The msot rewarding is the food that you create is widely accepted by others and others are happy when eating your dish. It is simply the most fulfilling thing in cooking. I wish to brush up my skills more so that I can do better.

Kinda tired right now... Guess I'll stop and continue some other day.. Happy New Year 2008!!!

New phobia

2007-12-30T01:58:00.000+08:00

My long semester break is finally coming to an end soon. Everything is going to back to normal again. It is also the time for me to really do what I have to do, rather than staying at home wasting my time all day long.

I just got my result 2 days ago. It was almost as expected but way lower than the target that I've set for myself at the beginning of the semester. It doesn't turn out that well. It was quite disheartening to learn about my result even though it was somehow expected but it is not something I'm going to be proud of. Instead it shows how much I'm lagging behind, exposing all my short comings. I believe all my friend had done a pretty good job. One of them even got a perfect score for all the papers and maintain a perfect CGPA. Genius... I can only envy right now, but I'm gonna try harder and better next semester to closer the gap. I need to be in the 1st class region, not the second upper region. This is the most basic goal I set for myself before I set foot into NTU.

I've been doing quite a number of shopping to get some stuffs before I leave for my war field. There are so many things that I wanted to get but I realised that I've a phobia in buying expensive stuffs. Every time I saw something nice, I'll get attracted but often turn off by the price. I'm not sure what is my problem but I'm just unwilling to spend so much money on a single item though I always look for something nice with quality. It seems nothing is nice to me after a second thought after taking the price into consideration. Thats why I haven't been able to get much things after several round of shopping. The things are either too expensive to me or unattractive. But most of the time, I'm turn off by the self-assume high asking price of the item. Its like I'm asking for a very low price for everything, so after I found out that the price of the item consist of 3 numerical figures, I'll just walk away most of the time.

I realised that I need a lot of money. Money is definitely one of my motivation to study hard. I'm gonna make a lot of money. Tons of it. People often say money is not everything. Yes, its true. But you can do nothing without any money. And it only spells disaster without any money. I feel pity for myself for being unable to spend or rather the phobia to spend big money. At times, I'll feel bad because my parents are so frugal that they just got those modest clothes and items for themselves but give us the freedom to get whatever we want, even though it was a luxury to them. They actually save those money for me and my siblings. But my parents deserve better. They work so hard, yet they don't deserve something better... Isn't it unfair? That is why I'll need lots and lots of money. I can do most of the things I want with my money. And people can do all sorts of things for money and so do I. The only difference is to what extend I'll do it.

I'll be rich and powerful one day.

Insomnia

2007-11-26T02:38:00.000+08:00

It's 20 minutes to 3am. I've been turning over and over again on my bed for the past one hour or so, but I just couldn't sleep. I wanted to have an early night as I've got one paper tomorrow and I went to bed just now when I feel tired, but I just can't sleep. My mind is keep on thinking about a lot of things. Dreams, fantasy and so on. It just wouldn't rest!

I can feel that my body need some rest, but it just wouldn't rest. I can feel the toll of sleeping late already. My health have not been 100% for quite awhile but there is nothing much I can do about it. My sleeping habit had slowly become nocturnal. I can't really sleep before 3 am and I really wish that I can overcome this soon. I need to get my biological clock back to normal soon.

I've longed for the feeling of early morning, when the sun just rise and the air is cold outside. Little water droplets and dews at the edge of the plants are twinkling under the morning sun. What a nice view it is. I love morning very much. Especially the moment between 7 to 9am. It was just wonderful. Everything seems so perfect. Yet, I've missed it so much since I could only wake up near noon, when the sun is right in the middle of the sky, full blasting of its radiation. It also means that half a day is gone like that, just gone. What a waste of time!

Alas, there is nothing much I can do right now. Hopefully I can pull through this week and I will have time to re-adjust my biological clock back to normal which also means normal sleeping habit.

New hope....

2007-11-19T11:57:00.000+08:00

It's raining outside and all quiet around me except for the sound of rain water washing the dry land. It feels good to see the rain, nourishing all the living things on this land and washing away all the dirts and refreshing every single soul out there. Sitting by the window pane looking the rain water falling outside sort of calm down my tired soul. It refreshes and energize me to face the challenges ahead. So cooling and nice.

I just finish my brunch as I often woke up late. Having brunch had become part of my life. But that is not the point. The point is that I'm sleeping longer hours recently which I convince that it would contribute to a better psyche, preparing me better for exams. Yet, I still feeling a little bit lethargic after so much rest. Perhaps I slept too much?

Anyway, I've relishes some new motivation that charge me forward. I know that I'm not good enough and have lot of short comings compare to many out there but that doesn't mean I good for nothing at all. I'm fortunate enough to be here and I should to grateful for that. In order to catch up. I would need to work twice as hard as others since I'm not gifted. I need to be persistent. And I would succeed. Things never come easily. Each and everything that we have comes with a price though some that we didn't realize or taken for granted.

I shall channel all my energy to the challenges ahead and not to let down all the peoples that have trusted me so far. Its them who have given me the motivation to move forward and get out of the bad times. Thanks to my parents and family members and not to forget my beloved girlfriend. Although I can change my habit or mindset dramatically but I'll try to do it it by bit until it work out fine for me. God bless....

Hollowy Void....

2007-11-17T03:26:00.000+08:00

Its 3.25 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. Normally, I should be asleep by now rather than sitting in front of my notebook doing my new blog entry. As interesting as it is,this is the first week of my final exam. Logically, I should be either resting or still mugging hard by now. But neither applies to me. I just finish watching a show online which is kinda corny.

As far as I was concerned, the exam had not gone really well or perhaps its I who had not prepared well for it. I don't know the reason why. It was as if I've lost part of my force to charge forward.. I don't know whats the meaning of all these. Getting a bachelor degree and get a stable, high paid job later on? What is the meaning of life? Is it suppose to be doing something that you can do but don't really like it or doing something you are really passionate about? I'm lost.

I live everyday like everything had been pre-program.There is no any excitement or anything that might perk me up a little bit. Its like so boring. Studying all those tough subjects and trying to do this and do that. Whats the meaning behind all this? Planning for future? What kinda future? A future where you earn lots of money and do what ever you want?

I do have my dreams and desire to achieve things. But so what if I achieve that other than a few compliment from the others? Does it make me happy? Maybe for a short period of time then back to the same. I'm feeling void. I kept on searching what do I want for life. Money? Power? Fulfillment? How do I define my success in achieving those? And can those things bring me happiness? How long?
I used to taught that I'll feel great after I achieve something but my achievement can be any other peoples achievement too. Everybody can do the same. So whats there to shout about? Before this I taught that scoring a strings of A's will make me happy but it didn't last past a day before I felt nothing over it. It just happen. This makes me wonder what is it to be true happiness and fulfillment?

I really need some guidance and find out the right path that me to some fulfilling life. Though this idea is vague but this is truly how I've been feeling. I started to feel boring with my current life. And I started to go to the extreme to the extend that reminds me that I'm still alive. Always talking to myself which is a good way for self-motivating, yet in other sense, self-deceiving. What am I been up to? It is not that I got nothing to do or formidable to the extend where no one can beat me. But the point is so what if I can do or can't do? I'm doing all this for myself, partly fulfilling all those expectations that Have befall on me.Perhaps I should use a better word, blessings.

I need to feel life. I need to find the meaning of life. I know that I'm blessed with everything I have now and considered myself very lucky to have all this. But why am I feeling void? My inner wild personality is trying to surface but I've been fighting to suppress it,afraid that people might not be able to accept it.

Guess all I can do now is continue living in an 'organized' life abd see what is going to happen next. Which simply means study for the coming exam and try to score good grades.

Cocoon

2007-11-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

A final countdown before my first ever encounter of the final exam in university. By right,I should be well prepared and ready by now. But the opposite is happening right now. I am still in the middle of revising and catching up with those part that I've never ever read through before. It's not a weird thing that I kept on procrastinating. I had been like been like this for quite sometime. Though I know that I need to word and really focus on my coming exam but my heart just won't really tone down. I mean absolutely dedication is not found in me yet!!! Which would be translated to catastrophe soon... But I'll pray hard not to have it.

It had been some time when I realised that I always get very excited and enthusiastic about something at first but abandon it half way through due to the some lame reasons. Its not that I doesn't wanna persist but it seems like I've too big an ambition but too little capacity. Wanting to get everything that I think is good but never thought of the relevancy and ability to get it. And some times I do get irrational when I'm so into something which become one of my largest weakest. I'll throw in all my bet for that particular thing I want no matter how high the stake is but ending exploiting my weakest for the others to take advantage on if not to overtake me.

I always wanna be the best in everything I do for I always believe the famous quote by Walt Disney, " If you can dream it, you can do it". That's what I've been telling to myself all this while. This makes me constantly living in my own world where everything is perfect and suits me the way I want it to be. Yet, that's not the case in real life. Reality is harsh and often caught me off guard and post a blow to my ever high self-esteem.

My self-esteem had gone down rather a lot just after 3 months for my 4 year spell in NTU. I'm immersed in a global environment where people who are as good as you if not better, gather around and compete among one another. And now only I realised how little I can do compare to them though I always know that very fact that I'm not the best yet always buying that own self-enlightening story of my own.

I can always spell out the reasons of my fall and every single way to 'cure' it. Yet, I'm getting slacker and slacker. I need to know how to fire up myself again. Ignite the real me deep down inside to take me down the road of life. I'm gonna surround myself with all the positive energies and peoples to make me grow. I need to EVOLVE!!!

Foundation

2007-11-02T18:44:00.000+08:00

The 2nd-last weekend before finals approaches as the long awaited 'break' has arrived. I finally can have sometime to gasp some breath and get ready myself once again for the upcoming challenge. I hope that I can extract all the good things in this 2 days.

Just finish yet another quiz just now. Not a tough one but its sure a pleasant one. I finally realised the real meaning of foundation. Not that I don't understand the words meaning, but the real life meaning of it. In order to excel, we certainly needs foundation. Without a strong and firm foundation, we risk of collapsing one day. You would never know. It is basically the same principle that we apply when building a 50 stories skyscraper.

Guess that is what I lack off that cause all my agonies right now. So, I would have to work the extra load that others had done before this in order for me to keep up with the tempo. So be it. Lets roll on and let the work begins....

Depress

2007-11-01T23:45:00.000+08:00

Got my second quiz result today... It is one of my most confident paper so far. Yes, I manage to answer all the question in there. I was feeling real good after I complete the paper. A sense of fulfillment after I hand in the answer script.

Though I did reasonably well but I was in the below average range once again. It seems I'm going to stuck in this range forever... And the thought of this traumatized me. Things like this never happen to me before. And I'm having some hard time coping mentally and physically. I was trying to survive the next 30 days, hoping my exam will end soon. I was a few very careless mistakes that bring me down. In other words, a simple flawed that might seem insignificant is enough to drag me down. This is how competitive my course is.

Yet, this is the first time I really step out from my comfort zone which I've 'dominated' so far, trying to explore and naively wanting to conquer the outside world. I was too proud and over-rated my capabilities. I've realised there are so many short comings I have that I would never have know if I had not been here. There are really many great people that do extraordinary things in the world. All you have to do is just step out and look around. They are everywhere.

I've always wanted to be among the best and compete with them. But my first ever encounter had only bring me misery. I thought that might have an edge or at least being able to compete for a much deserve place, at least I thought so. But the fact prove that, I'm still a distant away from being able to compete directly with them. Those people that I'm mentioning are scholars, all coming from their homeland, bearing the honor of their country to prove something to the world. Which is essentially what I was doing right now.

The old perception to have a above average score is enough to bring me through is not applicable here. What they are looking for is perfection and full command of the knowledge. I guess this could be a considerable form of cultural shock. I've never been feeling this low before and my self-esteem is at the lowest point I ever experience. My current condition depicts the old saying ' the higher you go, the harder you fall' perfectly. Though this is not really as high as it is but this is certainly a new altitude that I've reach. Thus, the feeling of defeated causes certain extend of blows to my self-esteem.

All I ask for now, is that I can fair though this 30 days without drowning away. I now realised the meaning of being realistic. A man should look things within his capabilities. Aiming something too far beyond your limit will end up in failure. Be realistic and take a step at a time. I really wanna get out of the blues asap. Final exams is just 13 days away...

Bad result...

2007-10-29T19:16:00.000+08:00

Checked my quiz result just now... No surprises...

Its below average. Not by a little but by a considerable substantial amount. Although it is some what expected but its not some score that I look forward to have or proud of.

It was a really bad result for me. It had been a long time since I scored below average. I don't even remember when was the last time. Anyway, I did it again. Does it means that I belongs to the lower quartile of all course fellows? I don't know and I never want to.

My friends had got a score way above average which makes me feel so bad. I slack too much. I must prove myself that I'm one of the best, maybe not now, but soon.

Right now, all I can do is to get things right and score for the rest. I can let myself to plunge in deeper and deeper. I must do something. Something drastic and identify all the problems in the mean while and try eliminate as much as possible.

I want to do better if not the best!!!

2 weeks to final exam

2007-10-28T21:50:00.000+08:00

Finally, I got back to this page again to post my blog. 2 and a half months since I settled in in NTU. Life has been great here so far. Met lots of people and new stuffs that need to be learn. Time really flies. And whatever past can never be change. Yet, the many promising future ahead seems unmountable. At least, with my attitude and progress right now.

Final exams is merely 2 weeks away. Yet, I'm still slacking here.. Just finish my wasteful 5 hours in watching variety shows, which give me no benefit except killing my time. There are many things that needed to be done immediately and yet I procrastinate again and again. Life here had been hectic. Things that used to be studied for one year is now tested after few lectures. A semester that seems so long yet feels so short, and semester break is just one month away. The admiration of semester education now turns sour. It is really packed.

What am I going to do to really get myself fire up to study and make full use of this 2 weeks left before I sit for my 1st ever university exam? It is like I've reach some kinda bottle-neck that I can't push through. But the fact remains that I needed upgrade badly. What does the problem really lies? Myself? My thoughts? I don't know. Am I spending too much time in my relationship? Does it really affected me? I want to know the answer.

I always thought I can achieve many things in a period of time. And I know I'm wrong. I'm no superman. It was my thought that always seems to give me some nice fantasy of achieving in whatever I do. But thats how I motivate myself. But the motivation alone is not enough to push me forward. I need to find the right key to ignite my engine... Where is the key? Where can I find it and when?

I carried a whole of expectations and blessing from all the people around me. With all the people in my course each and everyone that are at least equal if not better than me. I'm just like a small fry. All the people are really very good. No one is far behind each other. In simple words, very competitive.

I really need to buck up... but how? my mind just wouldn't settle down and work properly. I'll pray....

Catastrophe

2007-08-12T11:54:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a nightmare to me... An outing with my girlfriend turn out to be the biggest hit on my life to date. Everything was going fine at the beginning but something unexpected just happened. Its something I can't accept though I was consciously realized that the probability of happening.

I was totally shocked to death when it happens. I didn't realized how seriously and profound the consequences can be before my action. It will not only bring me trouble but my family, relatives and friends as well as anyone that is acquainted to me. Not only that, my girlfriend's family, relatives and anybody related will also get implicated. Its a total disgrace for me. I've bring shame to myself, my parents, my family and everyone that has trusted me so far.

I'm feeling terribly bad though my girlfriend kept talking me out and ask me to think positively but its a impact too massive for me to ignore in a short period of time though I must try. I doesn't want it to affect anyone or anything ultimately my studies.

Now that I'm feeling much better but the thought of the whole event just bring the chill along my spine. I need to curb that very fast. My academic year has started. I need to get into the mood of studying. I won't let anything or anyone to stand in my way to pursue the things that i want. I'll do whatever I can to stop them at all cost... No matter what the cost is....

Till here. Ps. Thanks to my girlfriend who is always by my side and her wonderful birthday present that I utmost appreciate. I love you, Darling.

MSA FOC

2007-07-30T09:23:00.000+08:00

A home shall always be home. These words are especially true when you start to live outside of the place you've spent most of your life. Yea, it feels very nice to be at home again. Everything seems so close to me. A sense of belonging, comfort and secure. Anyway, the days I spent in NTU is memorable.

I've been staying in NTU for the past week for the orientation camp. I was simply splendid. By the way, that is also the first time I stay in NTU in my own hostel. This is the starting of my campus life. Everything is wonderful. Never imagine it could be so fun there. Campus life, here I come !

I'm especially impressed by the organizer and all of its committee members. They are so helpful and kind throughout the camp, not to mention that they are friendly people too. No one will be left out and never will you feel lonely. We all feel a sense of belonging there and everyone was so eager to embark the new phase of their life. Its some kinda feeling you can't explain in words. Just prefect.

3 cheers for MSA !!!

Next its about my girlfriend, I miss her so much during the course of the camp. But thats not what matters the most. The most important thing is I can't contact her due to over expensive cost. Anyway, I manage to call her for a brief 5 minutes and was really sufficed. My eyes will be damp every time I think of her. The eagerness to meet her and feel her warm hug as well as her sweet lips. It was a feeling so strong that makes me going crazy. Though I might be a bit busy and unable to contact her as frequent as we used to be but I still care a whole lot for her, because I love you, Regina.

Trust that we could do it and everything will sort out. Till here...

Eager to start my new life !

2007-07-20T10:55:00.000+08:00

I am really excited about things I’m going to experience soon. Firstly would be my life in NTU is going to start in 3 days time. Really can’t wait to kick off my campus life right away. Most of my friends had already got a taste of how campus life was and they are really enjoying it! Everyone had come to a different stage of their life now and we are only one step away from the real world out there. I guess everyone is excited about this very fact that they are going to be an independent individual that can support themselves as well as carry more responsibilities than anyone of us did before.

Although all of us are going separate ways this time except a few, but we are not really too far away from one another because the place where we all further our studies are relatively close to home which means we can go back to our own sweet home every weekend. So we are still been able to keep constant contact with one another.

I would also like to take the opportunity to congratulate one of my buddies, Wee Ser. This extraordinary guy who went to UNITEN alone 2 years ago had bring pride for his family as well as makes all those who knows him proud. He said been selected to represent Malaysia to Hong KongAsia. I would definitely stand behind him and wish him all the best. May he make it to the final round in Netherlands! for a presentation on a certain topic which I can’t remember what was it. Anyway, he had succeeded in the first round to win him a trip to Hong Kong to the second round to compete with other nations throughout

Next, would be my girlfriend, Regina. She had been really good to me all this while and still doing so. I’ve experience many good times with her, leaving lots of sweet memories which I’ll treasure forever. She is always so thoughtful and gives me a lot of freedom and flexibility which I appreciate it very much. She is not demanding like someone else, and always satisfies and grateful with what she got. She might not have the hot bodies or faces like those supermodels but she was fine for me. Many guys would stare at her like some kinda hot babe when we went out together which makes me quite uncomfortable but happy at the same time because my girlfriend is just simply attractive!

Anyway, I will still be able to meet her once a week hopefully when I go home. I don’t think that will cause us problem as we usually meet once a week. This is my 1^st time having a distance relationship which I don’t know how it will turn out eventually. All I can do is to pray for the best and let nature takes its course. I’ve only one concern now, which is I might not be able to keep constant contact with her like we used to do as I’m afraid of my hectic schedule will not allow me to spare time for those. So I would have to juggle my time properly between so many things. The most crucial thing would be finding the balance point for everything.

Finally, it is about my all time favorite football team, Liverpool FC. There is never before I felt so eager for the next season to start. After the recent summer spending on some big names, the reds is now becoming a serious contender for the premiership title which I look forward very much as well as all the fans around the world. The new signings like Fernando Torres, Andriy Voronin, Ryan Babel and Yossi Benayoun makes the reds looks stronger than ever. The quality and the depth of the strike force looks formidable. All of them are young and full of potential. I’m so eager to see what they can do to claim the 1^st premiership title since the last 2 decades. So excited !!! Liverpool FC forever !!!

“ YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE”

Ps. Really slack to update my blog regularly as I wish to be. Anyway, I’ll try to keep it updated as often as possible when I’m in Singapore… NTU, here I come !!!

Sadness...

2007-05-29T08:08:00.000+08:00

Its kinda long time since I updated my blog. It was a routine I try hard to integrate into my daily life but wasn't able to keep it going on due to sheer laziness...

Anyway, I was quite dishearten actually when my girlfriend just shut me off when I need a talk so much. Initially I thought there is something wrong with her and was damn worry about what is going on on the other side. But I found out later that she was just having some mood swing. I won't blame her but just disappointed to what had happened.

My sister left to pursue her studies in the north yesterday. I was working yesterday morning and by the time I reach home she was already in the car set to depart. I wasn't able to bid farewell to her and wish her good luck. At that time, she was sitting in the car alone. Her eyes was slightly reddish and swollen. I was tough decision for her to take up the offer to study there as that was her dream. But this is the first time she left home alone so far away from my parents and everything she was surrounded by all this while.

When I walked in to her room, everything was still in place. She had left all her beloved soft toys behind, even her favorite bunny which never leave her side for more than a decade. It was a sudden decision as she was only notified her acceptance 3 days ago after appealing to the authority. So due to the lack of time, she just packed some important stuffs and rush to the school. Her room is next to mine and I'll always look into her room first before entering my room. But it definitely doesn't feel good to look into an empty room now, which only left with the memories.

I never know how important she is for me as I always gave her cold shoulders and don't bother much about her. But now, I really miss her a lot. I seems to take her existence for granted all this while. All I can do now is to wish her all the best in her studies and may her wishes come true....

'Friend'...

2007-04-14T21:07:00.000+08:00

Things are not going well lately. I've felt the boredom of routines in my life. Repeating everything I do day after day, over and over again without much different. In eager for something that would spice up my life...

' Friends' are there for one another' was one of the line I used to quote whenever I talked about friends. But I guess I would have to change it a little bit to something I'm still not about. Yea, I don't deny that I have this kinda friends. But the fact is how strong is our friendship? I still can't call them my good friends though we had known each other for more than 10 years...

Maybe it was my failure to make me accepted. I'm constantly left out on many events that I really want to be involved with. But my hope went empty most of the time. Though this had happened many times in my life and I keep telling myself I don't mind. Its ok for me. But how long can I hang on to this kinda friendship? Or is it just because we still have some personal interest in future that we might need?

I really don't understand why things had turn out this way. But there is one thing I've to admit. Honestly I do not converse easily with other people. Guest I would have to re-evaluate my definition on friends. In the mean while, I'd have to upgrade my communication skills too.

My old evil thinking will start to haunt me again whenever I experience any mishaps in my friendship. I will start to think whether I'm the weaker link that people likes to take advantage of and trample on the ground after that. I will want myself to be mean, heartless and snobbish to attain everything I want including wealth, power and whatsoever that I can use to make them pay for everything they had done to me. Trying very hard to curb this feeling...

Wonderful month...

2007-04-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

It have been more than a month since I last post a thread. But things had changed completely during this short period of time. Wow, many great things had happened in the March of 2007. Definitely of that I will remember for life.

First, my high school exam result is out in mid of March. I was pleased and blessed to get the result that I've always dream of. Yea, you right. A stunning 4 flat which means I score full marks in my exam! How great was that? Everyone that I know especially my parents are so overjoyed by my achievement... Feel so relieve when I got my result. It was like a transition. I've never score full grades before this in any exam that I've sit for. On the other hand both my brother and sister had scored full grades since their first public exam. And their big brother here have to wait for 7 years to actually have a taste of full grade. In fact, all my siblings are sitting for public exams of different level last year. And we all score straight A's in our respective exams! Hooray to my family!

The next things is also one that change the history of my life... Guest what? I'm in the relationship the first time in my life! Not single anymore... 2 days after i post my last blog, I muster all my confident and ask her out to confess to her once again. It was so unbelievable that she finally give a nod to my confession. And now, we are in relationship for a month. Time really flies. We had a lot of great times together. Watching movie, shopping, strolling by the beach etc. It was actually happening to me. I never imagine this kinda things will happen to me. She was my first love and someone so special in every aspect that I know. She is so dedicated, caring and freakingly knows how I feel and what I'm thinking... she smells good too. Lol...

I treasure her so much that I'm always thinking what surprises I can give her. Where we wanna go dating this week and things like that. And some times, I really can't think of a good place for our weekly meeting. Its kinda troubles me. Though she says its ok to go anywhere, but I still gotta think of a place that is memorable for both of us. Sometimes, I'm kinda insecure with our relationship in a way that I don't know whether I had done enough for her or not. Though she always say she doesn't deserve all this. But I wanted to give her whatever I'm capable of. All I can do now is to treat her whole-heartedly.

I was so deeply in love with her and so does she. There was once when I told her that I've received the offer to study in The States. She was the first person I share this great news. And without any guard she had weep all night long because of this. She was so afraid of losing me but insisting me to take up that offer and pursue my dreams. My heart is so painful when I know aout this and felt guilty for her. This only makes me loves her more. We both know that we might be furthering our studies soon and kinda worry about our future. But we believe that we'll have to treasure each other more in this given period of time.

I was so comfortable when I'm with her. There is no pressure and a peaceful feeling as if life is so wonderful. In fact, life in indeed wonderful. I'll try to make up my time to spend with her whenever possible. I had fallen so deeply for her that I'll constantly think about her, how she is doing, and things like that. I even see her in my dreams...

She did say she was afraid of hurting too much when we separate if we develop too deep. But I told her I will give her all my heart and will give my best. Why? Because if I'm gonna love someone I will love her whole-heartedly... Let it be something memorable in the later part of life. How many of us who can love someone the way that want all the time? Though I'm still young and some might say I'm just too immature to say all this. But I vow for my sincerity in everything that I've said to her... I Love You, Reg!

Thats what friends are for...

2007-03-01T16:31:00.000+08:00

People always say the person you hang out with reflects you. I personally find it very true. I find that I've change quite a lot since I hang out with all my friends now... Lately, I'm more willing and able to share the feelings that are always kept in my heart. I had not done this before. But after I tried it, I felt an instant relieve... Its a kinda of feeling that I've never felt before... Before this, I've always hide my feelings as if I'm a heartless person with no feelings. Now that I'm also not afraid to weep in front of a gal buddy of mine. It is not that I tried to weep to gain her attention but I just get emotional sometimes... And I feel my friendship with those friends seems to rise to another level. Perhaps we had know more about each other.

I am a so called " soft" guy because of my actions and interest. But its fine. I would rather call myself a metrosexual guy... and I don't mind people classified me that way... Just feel very grateful to my buddy... I felt very much better now... She is the only one I can look for, for this particular problem of mine as she is having the similar dilemma as I am in now... Feel very grateful... She has all her problems that would out weighted mine but she would just listen patiently... and now that I can move on after hearing some of her words... Feel lucky for a friend like her...

Tormented soul...

2007-02-28T16:38:00.000+08:00

It was drizzling outside and I can feel the coldness running through my limbs. I had been a few hours since the rain started as if Heaven knows my feelings at the moment and drop her tears to calm my overwhelming soul... and I'm feeling all calm down...

I had not been doing well in school today. My mind was constantly hogged by you... Yes, I mean you Reg. I don't know why... Just as I enter the class, the pretty face and angelic smile just appear in my mind and I really can't concentrate on my work. Its kinda weird feeling that had not happen to me for a long time. I'm just gonna curb it.

Its a feeling like some part of me is missing. Things get to know emotional till the extend that the students can notice that I'm in a bad mood. Lol... Can't help. However things did get a little better after I share my problems with my experience buddy which more or less in the same dilemma with me... and I'm not gonna elaborate on what dilemmas we are facing...grins...

Well, thinking in back, am I deceiving myself that we both can only be good friends? One that shares all their worries, secrets and thinking? Would I regret later on for my decision now? I don't know, neither she does. Maybe its more like I've changed my way of showing her my care
instead of getting into a relationship. I'm really confused and don't know how or who would tell me the answer for that. And maybe thats why, I keep telling myself that she is just my good friend to make myself feel a little more better. Its the only way, that could calm my wave-like feelings.

For those who had know me will surely heard me saying that I would like to go study as far as possible. Part of the reason is that I'm trying to get away from everything I got and start everything afresh. Its kinda like a run-away thing that would let new things and new experience to make me forget of the past. A simple fact remains, I'm just running away from my problems that I can't solve hoping to occupied myself with a new culture. What a sore loser I am... Wonder when all this is going to end...

Yet, I'm not blaming anyone for this. I can only feel sorry for myself as I can't handle my own feelings and emotions properly... Its a experience with confusion and lots of sweet memories.... The song by Nelly Fertado call 'All good things come to an end' express much of my feelings right now....

The rain just won't stop as if it is going to be eternity....

A thorn in my heart....

2007-02-28T16:34:00.000+08:00

It was the 10th day of Lunar New Year. If I’m not mistaken, this would be my first post in February. So many things had happened during this period, mostly unhappy and saddening ones. Many things that I would hope never did happen before.

This year had not been doing well for my best friend, one of the person that I care, treasure and appreciate the most. In fact it had been a nightmare for her. The story goes like this. Another guy friend of her confessed his feelings for her. She text me one night to give her advise on this matter. I’m quite supportive and encourage her to give herself a chance if the guy is really that good. According to her, he is a gentlemen, nice and wealthy. She did vow before that she is not going to have a relationship now. But in my opinion, she should give herself a chance to love and to be loved again. I was confused by the ambivalent of my feelings, hoping her to be happy with the other guy but feeling sorry for myself on the other hand. Anyway, I swear to myself not to get into a relationship now, and insist to have pure friendship with her.

Till one day, when the so called nice guy take her out for a breakfast. Things turn out unexpectedly. The guy griped her hands tightly suddenly while they are in his car and confess to her again. He thought that she had agreed to be with him after she agrees to go for a breakfast. Which in other hand, my dear friend only treat it as a casual meet up with a old friend. It seems like the guy had misunderstood her thoughts. Luckily things doesn’t go further than that. I was like freaked out when I heard about it. Its like what the hell is going wrong with that guy? And I keep remind her time and again not to go out alone with that weirdo.

Yet, she was forced to go to work in his car again. Things really turn nasty this time. The guy had gone to far. He tried to humiliate her in his car! Oh my God, things are going from bad to worst. I went meet her up not long after this had happened. When she told me this in the phone, I was so agitated and I try to rush to accompany her as fast as I could. She almost collapse mentally. I just don’t know why I feel so angry and yet sad about this matter. Why do guys have to do all this nasty stuffs anyway? Can they be a true gentlemen? This is the reason why guys are called jerks. And I don’t blame the women for this.

I really wished I could beat up that son-of-a-bitch! I care for her so much, yet some stupid jerk did this to hurt her. I’m haunted by the images when this happens. And whenever I thought of this, my heart will pump so fast and the uncomfortable feeling will run over my whole body. It is really sad to hear things like this happen to her. And I swear I will never forgive this kinda person, no matter who they are. Its immoral, uncivilized and despicable for those who did this kinda thing.

Although she hasn’t told me what exactly happened at the very moment, but I can imagine how bad it was. I was looking forward to find out about it soon. We talk quite a lot after this incident and I’m trying and dying to do anything to help her forget this matter. I don’t know why I care for her so much and pay so much attention on her, although she is just my good friend. I really don’t know what my feelings are at this moment. Kinda confused. I really don’t know but I really treasure this friend and always concern how she is doing, is she doing alright all the time. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy. And no matter what happens, I will always stand by her.

Ps. Loving someone doesn’t mean the possession over them. A loving heart wishing them for the best is all it needs....

Boring...

2007-01-28T17:50:00.000+08:00

Having the chance to laze around at home doing nothing but waste my time. A whole lot of things going through my head but neither had been sorted out. Few days ago, Reg message me in the afternoon. I was not expecting any messages at that hour moreover from her. She said that she had sometime to declare. At that very moment, my heart suddenly pumps like hell, so fast that I can hear the thumping sound myself. The first thing that comes to my head -- Oh, my God! She had a boyfriend? And I was waiting curiously for her reply.

Guest what? To my surprise she said that she keeps thinking of me. She tried to avoid that feeling but it just make her more miserable. She guest that she might had fallen for me. And she find that crazy and so wrong. She feels that it is so crazy and nuts to fall for me. Thats what I interpret from what she had told me. I'm not sure how true was that but sincerely I hope it is not true. I mean I care for her and has a special kind of feeling when I'm with her. Its a very special kinda feeling that never happens to me before. But I mean it's quite hurting to hear that.

Now that I'm still single. I'm not really in eager to be in a relationship but I won't avoid one too. The problem that might arise if I get into a relationship might be it might not be lasting for a few reasons. Firstly, I might not be able to see her often because I got to work. There is a saying goes like short separation makes to love more but long separation kills love. And secondly, I'm going to further my studies real soon. The most would be 6 more months and I have no confidence that I can cope with a long distance relationship. But there is one quite that make me to give it a try... It's better to love and loss than never to be loved at all.... So nice...

Boring...

2007-01-25T20:00:00.000+08:00

Time, something subtract yet so important to us. We can't see it, smell it but we can see the marks left by time and of course feel it. Living everyday like a tuned routine. Repeating my everyday life day after day time and again. Its kinda boring. Looking forward to things that might spice up my life just a little bit more.

Lets share something that happen in school. That was a case where I try to cane a boy who just wouldn't sit still in his seat. I went over silently and whipped him on his buttock. Who knows, I'm off my target. I got his waist inside. He burst into tears that very moment. I'm quite scared at that moment as this it is inappropriate to do so. I'm so terrified that I might get the call from his parents the next day. Its kinda awful moment for me. However, I act like I did nothing wrong and just turned my face away. Cmon, I'm a teacher and I can't lose my pride in front of my students. And that poor boy just become the sacrifice for my pride. Sigh....

I had been playing table tennis this few days. I'm quite surprise that the have so many facilities that are unused! There are so many bats, balls, and other brand new sports equipments. It really amazed me with the number of it. Many are still rap in the plastic cover! How I wish I can own one of it myself. But those are the school property and I don't have the right to make it my own. So I just make the most out of it since it is left there unused. Hooray! Free to try everything !!!

Aching everywhere...

2007-01-21T13:33:00.000+08:00

Waking up in the morning whole body aching. I went to my grandma’s house to help out some painting work. Since I have not visit her for quite sometime, so I take the opportunity to spend some time with her and help a little bit in the painting work. I had not been painting anything for years. In fact I thought it was a easy task not until I try to do it personally. It is not as easy as it seems to be. You require a lot of technique and patience to do it right. After almost 8 grueling hours of hardwork, I only manage to paint the living room and the doorway’s ceiling. My neck and arms are so tired. Never imagine this would hurt this much. The situation is worsen as I hit the gym the previous night and did some heavy workout. Guest I’ll need some time to recover to normal.

My appetite is getting smaller. But my tummy doesn’t shows sign of becoming smaller. I’ve been doing lots of sit-ups to work on my abs. But it only show a nice six-pack abs after work out and no where to be seen the next day. Tiring. I was planning to have a nice abs by May this year but it doesn’t seems to work out well. I’ll need lots of workout but the progress is rather slow as my time to exercise is not as regular as before. Gotta spend time marking my students workbook and spare some time to read up for my coming SAT examination. Yet, I had do little for that exam. Sigh….

Well, maybe just have to do some major cleaning for my room. The air is stale, dust piling up on most of the things and of course some useless clothes hogging the space of my cupboard which is going to burst soon. Although I wanna clear as many tings as possible but each and every single item have carries some memories, sweet and sour ones. Really miss those days where I can spend lots of times with my buddies. Now that everyone is working and we hardly meet each other nowadays. Guest that’s the price for growing up and pursuing dreams. Though I didn’t meet up call contact them but deep inside my heart I do miss them and will remember all those sweet memories we had together…

All the best my friends!

A teacher's life...

2007-01-18T17:40:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last post a blog. Anyway, I just feel like writing something today and it’s good to keep things going on and not stopping it in the middle of nowhere. Initially, I had planned to post a blog everyday and make it a routine. But I found out later that I can’t. It’s not easy to maintain such a routine, needless to say to make it a habit. It’s easy to figure out and imagine everything going on in the mind. But things often turn out to be the other way in the reality and the reality is often cruel. I’m not going repeat the same old thing over and over again that I’m not self-discipline enough.

Further on, I had said that I’m now working as a teacher. Temporary teacher to be exact. Well, it’s not an easy task to be a teacher. I really have to salute all those teacher that had did so well in educating the next generation. It’s not something that everyone is capable of doing. You need plenty of patience, determination, love etc. You’ll never know how hard can a teacher be unless you become one. And I’m taking this opportunity to pay gratitude to my parents who are both teachers. I never know how hard is their work and how pressure they are everyday. Well, some might say there are not many things to be worried about and to pressure being a teacher. But the fact is that, a teacher is responsible of the child’s development in this very age where they are learning everything they are exposed to. It might seem nothing at this moment but it does have a profound meaning in the long term in the students live, family, society, country and ultimately mankind. What will happen if they do not have a proper education now? Can they survive later on in this society that is getting more competitive? Or are they going to be the next illiterate that is looked down by the world?

After working for half a month, now that I realized how poor is many management skills. I’ll really need to polish up my communication as well as management skills. It is now the best chance and for me to practice everything that I’ve learn earlier on. Learning is one thing but applying it is another thing. People nowadays are good at reading theories but when it comes to applying it in real life, not many can really do it up to the level. As I used to say, I might be a good learner, the fact is I was. But I might not be a good educator. And those who are not a good learner might not be a bad educator. Just wanna make a point clear that is no one is perfect and excel in everything.

Recently, I realized that there are some problems in the method of my teaching or I’ll say my style is not applicable. I’ve revised my way of teaching and improvise it to make it beneficial to my students. But having a effective way of teaching is just a piece of my puzzle. The other factor which is quite important is the student’s attitude where they must be fully cooperative with me. I can’t help them if they can’t cooperate with me. All I was asking for is their full cooperation. I would do my best to help them excel in their studies.

Okay, enough for the ‘stories’ about my job. Now, the personal things. I went to Reg’s the other day to help her sought out with her computer problem. I had promised her and I would have to go all the way to her house even though it’s a little bit far. The first thing in my mind when I see her is ‘ Oh my God !’ know what? She is wearing exactly the same with me. I mean the colour of the shirt and shorts. I was freak out at the very moment. Well, all I can say we do have similar taste which is also a fact too. During the time I was fixing the PC, in fact I did nothing. The only thing I do is hogging the cozy chair in the room and talk cock as well as eating. Feel a little bad that I can’t help it. The funny thing is that, all the while when I’m in charge, nothing happens. Weird huh? It’s something like I’m the owner of the PC. Laugh my ass out. Only when I reach home, she send me a message to inform me that it’s occurring again and she decided to send it to service. I really enjoy th moments when I was there. It was so comfortable talking to her, like talking to someone so close that had known for a long time. It’s just amazing. Anyway, it’s still a worth while trip as I had not seen my dear friend or I’ll say my special friend for a long time and I do miss her a lot. So at least I do have the chance to catch up with her for a while. Till then….

Happy New Year !

2007-01-02T10:06:00.000+08:00

This is a whole new year for me... Now that I've enter another stage of life. Things are different now. I'm now bearing more responsibilities from my family, people around me, the society and ultimately myself. It's time for me to really depend on what I've learn and gain all this year to make a name for myself. Although I might still seem young but time flies. Its ok to start off early rather than losing the courage to thrive or pursue my dreams during the later stage of my life. My new year resolution or this year is to get to a good college and try to make the best out of my college life.

I've spent the last day of 2006 with my friends at a fishing village. It was a whole new experience for me. Although there is nothing great about that place but it does have all those sweet memories. Well, I tried not to dwell to much on the past and try not to have anymore silly thoughts on her and everything is doing fine. But all those efforts just go down the drain nevertheless when she join us to the countdown party at the fishing village. I mean although I keep telling myself that she had rejected me and I've won't have a chance but I still can't hide my feelings towards her.

During the trip, I keep pretending that I don't care and didn't see anything. But secretly I'm concern about everything she is doing. Not till the extend of stalking or peeping but just just kinda checking things going find in the dark. Though I didn't talk to her very much but I will find every reason to look around for the fact to check that she is alright. Human relationships is really complicated. It'll just drive anyone crazy... I think this would really need time...

Well, I be start my new job tomorrow as a teacher. I've never dream of being a teacher. The irony is that I do swear that I would never be a teacher but the fact that I've already becoming one. I mean life is really amazing. Everything and anything can happen and it just beyond our control. I just hope that everything will be fine during my job... Will write more about that some other time...

Sick...

2006-12-11T16:10:00.000+08:00

Finally, 3 grueling days had passed. I have been working for the passed 3 days in the PC fair. This would be the second time I'm involved. It had been a good experience for me as I could earn money and gain some exposure. But I was wondering whether it is worth working or not. First of all the wage is not very high and the working hours is more than 12 hours per day. Other than that we still have to do a lot of hard work which has no different from those low cost labour.

My body is not that good this time as I was working straight away after my exam. I have not been resting well since the passed month because of the exam. Not that I continue to work for such long hours. My body really can't take it anymore. Luckily, its only 3 days. And during the last day, which was yesterday I almost collapse. I was so tired and my joints are aching. Its a real bad experience for me. Luckily I have some good buddies to help me out and share out my work or else I would be dead long ago.

I learn something during my job. My friends and I are working very hard, I mean we work very hard pushing ourselves and try to do our job to the best possible we can. But the others are not doing so. I guest whether they are stupid, too arrogant or too lazy to do their job. They just couldn't be bother about their work. They would just disappear the whole day and appear suddenly when is time to go back. Or whether its us who are to naive and too stupid to do everything. I mean whats the point to push ourselves so hard? There would be no bonus or anything. But what we do have from all this is self satisfaction. We are trained to be responsible for we're doing or had done. Always try our best.

I still feel the tiredness now... Gonna take a nap now...

Confession...

2006-12-07T09:25:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've not been doing real well. Although the exam is over, but there is still one more thing kept in my heart that is undone. Yea, it is about her. I'm planning to tell her how I feel about her and I've been trying to do this for a long time. This would be the first time I really confess to a gal and a real serious one. I wouldn't know what will turn out eventually. But I'm going to give it a shot. Maybe I can find whole lots of reason for not doing it but I'm afraid I might be regret on the later part of my life. It's not like a life-long promise or what. But a way to express myself all this while. Anyway, I might gonna do this over the internet as it's not easy to ask her out specifically with me only... and I know why... but that doesn't matter. As long as I can get my message over, it would be fine.

I've been in dilemma whether or not to do it. Firstly, she is one of my buddy's ex-girlfriend and I don't know whether it is a wise decision or not. I've been thinking about it for a long time. Despite all the things that had happened, I still want her. When I look back this one and a half year, she has change me to a certain extend. I mean my taste and perspective on things had changed because of her. I can see her in many things. When I heard certain songs over the radio I'll think about her. And I really miss those moments when she sing along, simply divine.

Whenever I am down, I'll definitely look for her and share my problems with her. This has became a habit. The first person I will think about when I need someone to talk to is her. Its a strange feeling. I mean I used to deny that I've fallen for her but I can lie to the whole world but not myself. Nobody knows precisely how I feel as I would always put up a nothing-at-all look.

I've been struggling before this. My mum keep telling me don't get into a relationship now. According to her, what happens now might just be another puppy love. I tried to listen to her but I will still think of her. Until finally a words of wisdom that inspire me " Its better to love love, than never love at all". Its just a few simple word yet having a profound meaning. It's like once you have to do it, and even if you don't get it. Its fine. You've tried and nothing to be regret in the future.

I was attracted by the attitude. She is serious in work and a very, very capable female. One of the strongest I've ever seen, though she denied. Her spirit of helping others and the way she carry herself is amazing. I mean she never try to change herself to suit anyone and always be herself. However the only bad thing about her is that she is not good at rejecting others as she claimed to be and always thinking too much for others until the extend where she might not be happy but doing it for the sake of a friend. I'm really gonna salute her for this. And the most importantly, she is confident. Although she might deny about it but sincerely, that is what we see.

Lastly, I just wanna tell her how much I feel for her. I like her not because of what she is but who she is... and I'll see how things turn out.... Hopefully I can tell her in person as it would be more sincere and challenging... provided I've the chance...

Ps. A few songs would certainly describe my feelings right now...
What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts...

Finale...

2006-12-06T08:43:00.000+08:00

The prolong exam is finally over, but that is not the case. The fact is I'm going to enter a new stage of my life. Half a step into the varsity and one more step to the society. Time flies. I didn't realise how fast that I am 19 now. Anyway, I should be feeling relieved and happy now. But I'm not. I'm feeling a sense of void. My life used to be occupied during those schooling days but now I'm so free to do anything. Its like I have so much time to use but I don't know what to do with it.

Well, many things is going underway. I'm gonna try my luck again by applying all those scholarships hoping that I might get it this time and make my dream come true to study abroad. It's not that easy to get it especially my spoken English is not up to standard yet. Just hope that everything is going alright for me.

By the way, its time for me live in the real world. I used to fantasize a girl for being my girlfriend. We chat a lot and we share quite a number of common interest. Although she is not that all pretty kinda girl but I can talk my heart when I'm with her and chatting with her makes me feel comfortable which I never feel before with any other person. Perhaps I've got all this wrong by always hoping to take our friendship to another level. But the fact remains, we are just friends. However I really appreciated all the times that we spent together and we always cherish those precious moments.

Although we didn't really talk much nowadays but I do still care. Its all because of me that things turn out this way. I'm the one that pay a lot of attention on her but then I'm the one that leave her alone without a single call during the exam period. I've my reason as this exam is one of the most important thing in my life. I'm not gonna screw it up. And this gotta to with her because she is constantly a distraction for me. I don't mean anything nasty here but I mean I can't concentrate when I think of her. Maybe she might not feel what I feel but I do feel remorse for sacrificing our friendship for the exam as I don't have much choices.

From now one, I'm gonna put everything behind and learn my lesson and move on to the next level. Its no more academic anymore, its about wealth, power, and luxury for me...

Stranger...

2006-12-01T07:57:00.000+08:00

Wow, its been a long time. One month and ten days, to be precise since I last post a blog. Now that my final exam has been going underway, only one paper left which is on the coming tuesday. It is the last paper and that means I'll be free !!!

Well, during the course of the exam I've been feeling great in the sense that I feel occupied. My life is hectic and I enjoy being occupied. I didn't really appreciate those moments until last wednesday, when I sat for my second last paper. After I reach home that day, I feel void. I don't know what to do and my life seems to be empty and meaningless. That kinda feeling is real dreadful.

Throughout the whole exam period, I have not been contacting one of my buddy. It's because we are so busy preparing our exam and I don't wanna interrupting her revision. This is a crucial stage of our life. Hope she feels the same way too. Anyway, problem did arise because of this. I loss my words when I see her. I don't how to start a conversation or what. It just an odd feeling. Neither of us speak to each other. Its something like we are both strangers. I do feel the gap.

I don't know what was the reason. Perhaps I've changed or she does. I'm not too sure about that. I didn't realise how serious this would be until we met at a place and we didn't talk to each other there. I mean God its weird. We used to chat a lot but now the feelings are like no where to be found all out of a sudden. This problem is bugging me whole night. And I don't wanna lose a friendship that share so many common interest to just end this way. Its a waste and a shame for me to let it just slip away.

So to the sake of clarifying things and let her know my thoughts, I manage to text her a little bit last night and manage to get some positive answers that is very soothing. She seems to understand the situation. I will have to work hard to get it on the right track. Guest the problem is with me as I'm too obsessed with my academic performance till and neglect everything.

Lost in critical moment...

2006-10-28T21:30:00.001+08:00

It’s only 3 more weeks till my ‘judgment’ day. Nothing seems to be right for me. I’ve been feeling lethargic and tired lately. Those fighting spirit that I had earlier on have somehow gone. I’m in eager to regain that feeling, desperately. It really makes me sick when peoples around me are progressing really well at this critical moment. I wonder how they had managed their time and did so much of revision. Those things that I read and used to know before are suddenly hiding away from me and no where to be found. It’s not that I don’t know but I just can’t recall it. Kinda getting more and more forgetful recently. Damn worried about it.

It’s hard for me to concentrate lately too. My mind will just run wild when I wanna just sit down quietly to do some revision. What makes things worse is that I get sleepy very fast once I start revising and can’t really sleep when I really wanna sleep. It seems like everything is going wrong. I used to tried quite a number of sets of questions. But it seems that the more I tried the more I don’t know. Its kinda like intoxication like I don’t know what I’m doing. Question that I can do turn out to be something strange to me.

I wanna be the top gun. I wanna excel. But what I’m doing now is not going to bring me anywhere. Why people is doing so well but not me? How did they achieve it? I’m sick… real sick…. There are many things that need to be done but I just don’t have the urge to do it. Even if I do, it also won’t last too long. I need to read this memorize that and practice this and that, so many things undone. Sometimes, I really wish that I can reverse the time and start things all over again. Kinda wasted my parents effort to send me for tuition but I did not fully utilize that privilege. I’m dying to find a place where I can really concentrate. I miss those days in school where everyone is so competitive. I don’t wanna lose and I can’t LOSE !!!

Never !!!

Lost in critical moment...

2006-10-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

Guilty...

2006-10-21T16:36:00.000+08:00

It was drizzling this beautiful afternoon, you and I had just finished our tuition and heading home. You told me that your mum will be picking you up for something later. We ran in the rain to the nearest complex as we are trying not to catch too much of the rain. You waited in front of the café alone and I bid farewell with you and I left with the others for some food. All the way, I was expecting you to be safe and your mum picking you up in a few minutes.

We had some hot steamy meal to keep warm and hoping the rain to subside after we finished. As I walked out the complex, I saw a lone soul with a familiar back view and I immediately recognise that it was you. You mum had not arrived yet, and you are stand alone at a corner concentrating on your chemistry note. I walked slowly to your behind and wanted to give you some surprise to check whether you are alert to your surrounding. To my surprise, you didn’t reacted to much when I touches you. Oh my God, this gal had been too into her notes!

At that moment, some kinda voice inside myself asked me stay there to keep you company until your mother had arrived. But I just walked away! It’s so un-gentleman for me to do so. Isn’t I’m supposed to take care of her? She is all alone out there. What if anything happens to her? As I ignited my car engine, my conscience started to haunt me and my sense of guilty spreading all over me. On my journey back, all I’m thinking is that whether your mum had picked you up… and my what if things come into my mind, making me so, so, so guilty.

Even if you don’t really mind and you’ll feel guilty if I do so. But to me, it a duty for me as a man to take care of you… And that’s exactly what a gentleman would do. But I had failed the task. I swear to myself I shall never repeat the same mistake again. I promise…

Lost myself... bad! bad! bad!

2006-10-18T07:40:00.000+08:00

I should be on my way to school now, but I wasn’t. In fact, I’m now sitting comfortably in front of my computer writing this post. I’m feeling very down. There are many thoughts in my head, mixed feelings and I can hardly breathe. It is like there are a lot of things in my heart and I’m feeling heavy and needed to find a way to let it out or I’ll explode.

Previously, I am so obsess with a gal and I was living in my fantasy everyday. But now I’ve different feeling for her. I started to think that it is better for us to be just friends. Perhaps I care for her too much. In fact, she would be one of my considerations before I made any decision. It’s a hard feeling which I cant expressed it by words. There are so many things that I yearn to tell her but …..

I don’t know the reason why she is acting kinda weird lately. She was writing down her feelings often and when I ask her about it, she would just say that she had a lot of pressure, that’s all. I wanted to ask her more but it doesn’t seem right. Its like invading her privacy. I’m freak out by her yesterday when she came and sit in between me and her ex-boyfriend. What’s wrong with her?

Sometimes, I just feel like a fool, having a one way relationship alone. I’ve yet to confess to her, yet I’m feeling so much for her. So much so that it will affect everything I do. What a psychopath I’ve became…

I really don’t know how to express my feelings now. Confuse? Bad? Urgh, really don’t know…. Need to talk... Anyone?

Love or like?

2006-10-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

What is love? Why would to love or like someone? How do you know if whether you love that somebody or like that somebody? How do you differentiate between love and like?

Frankly, I’m getting more and more lost. I don’t know whether I like her or love her. It’s a strange and vague feeling. She had became one of the main reason I go to school everyday. I like to feel her presents and talking to her is one of my happiest part in school. Though exam is near and everyone needs to buck up on their on stuff and I try not to talk so much to her. But I just can’t help, I mean there are so many things we can talk about. Sometimes I’ll feel guilty if she miss something or did nothing because of our conversation. Anyway, I’ve swear to help her whatever I can.

I don’t know if there is any particular reason. But I can’t deny the fact that she is getting more and more attractive. She doesn’t have a very hot body or angelic face. All she has is a heavenly smile which would melt all hearts. Though she is just average, but I just find her very soothing in my eye. Ultimately, its her character or personality that attracts me. The more you know about her the more you are in love with her. And that’s why she has plenty of suitors and I’m one of them! Perhaps she didn't notice it...

I used to think what kinda relationship should I maintain with her, good friend or romance…. I really don’t know how. I would definitely like her to be my valentine but I’m afraid our friendship will turn sour if we falls apart. But if I just remain as close friends, I’m afraid I might regret later on. So what am I supposed to do? We always hear people saying that you’ll never know something unless you try it. And there is always a risk for everything. Am I going to take the risk? Anyway, I’m still unsure about her. All these are just my feelings on her. She might be just treating me like a good friend but I do wish she would feel the same as I feel...

I tried very hard to take her as my good friend and try not to think of her. But sometimes I just couldn’t help to think more than that. I will get jealous sometimes when she is with her ex-boyfriend. I just couldn’t help it. I wonder why I will feel jealous. Am I really fallen for her? But all I know I’m stuck on her !!! Help !!!

Reg, you’ve bewitch me body and soul….

A dream come thro~

2006-09-23T10:24:00.000+08:00

Wow, what a day! Just came back from two functions which are pretty cool but tiring. But I do enjoy a hectic lifestyle once in awhile, enjoy some glamour moments and really go all out and enjoy myself...

She was present too for the two functions that I’ve attend. She is just like a magnet to me. I will just get so attracted by her. During the first function she is with some casual attire with her hair doing the way I like the most. Simply gorgeous. I feel kinda stupid during the first function as I’m asked to sit at the VIP table which makes me so uncomfortable. Frankly it’s quite pathetic for a function considering so few people attending and there are ample of food left unfinished which is a waste. It was held in a nice place with nostalgia ambience. I would conclude it as a simply and average function. She brought along her digital camera and walking around to take pictures with others. Deep in my heart I’m wondering when would be my turn. My hopes are ruined every time she just walks past me. Just before we dismissed, I finally have a chance to take a photo with her. It’s like I’ve struck a lottery! Simply because I seldom have the chance to take photo with her partly due to I dare not ask for it and she is afraid of misunderstanding between us. I’m so on cloud nine when I’ve taken photos with her...

After the function, I sent her home again to rush for another function. At night, she is wearing a black outfit with leader boots and curly hair. She real had a very good sense of style and fashion. Though she is does not have a face like a supermodel but the way she dress herself and establish herself loaded with tons of self-confidence has made her so attractive. I’m not saying this to pleased anyone, but it’s from the bottom of my heart. During the function she had been chosen as the most gorgeous girl. That was absolutely crazy but she deserved it because she is gorgeous!

Later some of the craziest things happened. I’m called to be on the stage and I didn’t know why. She was also been called. To my surprise, we had been nominated for the Romeo & Juliet award which means couples. I was stunned at that moment. I never imagine such thing can happen to me... It is like a dream. And there are two more ‘couples’ nominated for the award. After collecting the votes, we are voted as the winner. I’m loss for words at that moment. All I have to do is to pose with her for photos. It’s so cool to be the attention of the limelight. This is a real big one! Wooo..... Anyway, she doesn’t seem really excited about that. I was scolded, poor me. But I don’t mind because it is like a dream come true to me and there is always some prize to pay for anything. How I wish that the time will stop and let it be like that forever. It’s like a dream too good to wake up. We are given a dining voucher at the hotel for the so called ‘dating’. Anyway, I’m still not sure of the chances whether she will be going with me or not…

She is quite worked out with the award. She doesn’t want people to misunderstood there’s something between us. That does hurt me a little. I then wonder is it because I’m not good enough for her and all sought of stupid thoughts. And I finally conclude that perhaps she just treat me as her buddy. Close friends I supposed. Although I don’t know what she is thinking but I do know that I am true for her. Maybe she still can’t accept me or missing someone else... I don’t know. Anyway that’s all up to her, and I do not have any rights to interfere.

To be honest, I would sometimes get jealous when she is talking to her ex. I can’t help it too. Anyway, I do feel great for them because both are my friends. I used to think what if this or what if that happens, what am I going to do? But after thinking for a while, is it worthwhile spending so much time to think all those useless things that I may not know the answer. Why not I spend those times thinking how to win her heart? So I only remember what is good about her.

While messaging her just now, I almost gonna tell her that I like her and my feelings for her. I don’t know whether it is lucky or not for not telling her. Partly because it’s not the right time yet and I’m afraid I might freak her out and ended me losing this precious friendship. What I fear most is that we lose our friendship that I treasure very much. So I hope that I’ve done the right thing. Exams coming soon.... but now I’m suffocating and my hearts pumping irregularly. At this moment, one and only one person that can make me feel this way, and that’s you, Reg…

No reason...

2006-09-19T14:20:00.000+08:00

ts Monday, I just had some egg sandwich for lunch... Mum didn't cook rice this morning, so no proper lunch today. I was pondering the whole morning. The final exam is exactly 6 more weeks and I am not 100% ready yet. There's really alot more to do. I need that fucking straight A results at all cost. Its one of te hardest that I've ever sat. Yet there are so many distraction all the way.

Before this, indeed I've crush so deeply in this one girl. She is really fantastic. What I mean is that her personality had attracted me so much and I'm so into her. Although her appearance is just average but her nose has certainly make a mark. She looks especially good when she puts her hair down and partially covered her face. She is gorgeous very time she leave her hair that way and that just melt my heart away.

But this few days,. I really need to focus on my studies and I'm trying to sought of get her out of my mind for the moment. Firstly it is because I don't know what she think about me. Most probably she would just treat me like any other of his guy buddies. So I don't wanna waste my time thinking that she would be with me or what so ever. And I personally feels that our relationship is just like friends but I want more. For me I would say one of the closest opposite sex friend I've ever had. Sometimes I just need some clarification from her to know that whether what I'm doing now is worthwhile or not. Perhaps she still don't know what I feel for her but there is nothing much I can do about it now.

Maybe I'll just leave it to my fate. Relationship things are really hard to understand and I need reason for my doing though most of the things I do recently are insane. I mean things I've never thought I would do. Well, I understand she has her family problem to handle but I can't do much about it. She is having a hard time with it. Poor thingy.... God bless...

Simply in mood...

2006-09-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

It is merely 1 and a half more months before the final exam that will determine my future. Though there’s not much time left, but I still don’t have the full confident to score all A’s. I had my Math paper 2 this morning. It would be the most dreadful paper I’ve ever sit before. I can’t do most of the questions. The problem is that I have had an impression on that kinda question but I just can’t remember how to solve it. Perhaps my last minute job had taken its toll on me. This is the first time I ever wish that the time may past faster during exam because I just simply can’t do it. It’s like torturing myself when looking at it. I know I can’t solve it but still force to look at it and keep thinking about it till the time is up. Its absolutely dreadful and fuck up!

I kinda surprise myself more and more recently. I went to cut my hair this afternoon. I was kinda in mood so I just got out there all out of a sudden. To my surprise, my hair dresser is going to do me a new hairstyle. I was thrill by the idea when I first heard about it. But it ends up to one of my biggest nightmare. I’ve had a funny and weird hairstyle, that she claimed is the latest. I was shocked at the very moment she finish. Oh my God, its looks something like a army hairstyle. I’m totally freak out. I don’t know how am I gonna face my friends tomorrow... shit!

Of course I am gonna talk about her again. Well, sometimes I really need to tell what she means to me and I always wanted to know how she feels about me... Sometimes I do have the urge to message her but I hold it back. Simply because I don’t know if she would be irritated if I keep messaging her every night. I’m just afraid it would be a nuisance to her. Wonder if she would accept me. Under a situation right now, my chances would be slim. Feeling of confessing to her but holded back due to inappropriate timing. Furthermore, I don’t have much confident in myself to succeed. God, I like her.... but what to do?

Fucking Pride...

2006-08-29T14:52:00.000+08:00

My trial exam is just one more week. Tons of preparation that is yet to be done. Well, I’ve discovered something that I needed the most at the moment. Guest what? Yeah, I’ve finally found out the cause of my distraction in school. It might sound stupid, but the fact is I can’t really study when one particular gal that I like appear at the same classroom. I was denying that very fact that she is the source of my distraction. By the way, I’m not saying that I despise her or hate her because of this. I made this statement simply because my heart pumps irregularly at her presence and just can’t focus. I’m not saying this without a reason. She was absent yesterday and I actually able to sit quietly and really concentrate on my own work which is amazing. I’ve never experience this for a long time and I finally get to feel it again.

She is in class today. I try to study like what I did yesterday but its not as good as yesterday. I sought of ‘perasan’ when I hear her voice and laughter. It sounds like I’m idiotic or something but I just can’t help it. Just don’t what can I do about it... The fact is I do like her presence but there is nothing much that I can do when she is around. I just simply can’t concentrate.

I’m kinda down right down. Feeling like my pride had been trampled and my existence is no longer important anymore. I’m holding the post as a vice-president in the school prefect organisation. But I never feel like people is respecting me because of this. Its a laughter after all. In fact, I’ve done nothing as a vice-president. Just for an example, I had a meeting in school just now. My existence is almost negligible. I feel like a stupid in the meeting room. Just don’t understand why am I doing all this. The gal that I like is mistaken as the vice-president which is actually me by the others. In fact, my superior kinda feels the same at that moment. Alright, you might say I should step up and do my part, but the fact is I don’t know anything about what is going on. I’m not informed anything about it. Any decision is done without my knowledge, then what for letting me sitting at such a high post doing nothing?

I’m always the last few person to know any decision that I’m not really happy about it. Well, I used to do my part to give advise and suggestions to my superior and ended up all the credits going to him. I’m a guy and I have my pride. It really hurts when I know someone that I really like is kinda overpowering and threatening my place. I’m in vain. Maybe she might not feel the same because after all she is asked to do all this by my superior. Its not her fault or what. But I’m just not really satisfied with the way my superior delicate jobs. I wanna thinking that if I can’t achieve something or get something done whereas my friend can do it , so I would have to give’em my support and help them all the way. But its not easy.

Anyway, its nobody’s fault. I’m holding my pride to tight. I would try to curb with my problem as time goes but at the moment I’m really feeling bad.

You had bewitched me...

2006-08-19T17:32:00.000+08:00

Jeez, its just 2 weeks away form my trial exam which is quite important to me. It will be the simulation kind of judgement day for me. I tried real hard to concentrate of my studies but sometimes I just end up in vain.

Now, at this very particular moment I know exactly what had happened to me but I just don't know how to curb it. I'm really stuck to that gal. I see almost everyday in school. I try not to see her and talk to her in order to stop me from thinking about her. But I just can't. I can only persist for about few hours until recess time and I'll definitely find whatever opportunity to talk to her. It makes my life so miserable, felt like I'm losing myself. I tried very hard not to thinking of her and tell myself that she is just a friend. But she is just so cute and over-rated. The more I look at her, the more I like her. It is like I'm not getting enough of her. She had bewitched me body and soul.

I had been spending more and more time on her which is a disaster for me at this stage. I can chat with her for full 3 hours until midnight. How that will be nice if I use those time to study. But I feel very happy while chatting with her. We can chat about literally everything which make our conversation so pleasant. Though this is just my opinion, I don't know if she feels the same. I really care for her and willing to do anything for her. I may sometimes pretends nothing happens at the outside, but deep inside I'm very passion and eager to help her. Remember that day in school when she tripped and felled in the hall after a photo session. She had hurt her leg and I feel so sad as I didn't walk with her. If I would be her side she might not fell and that if she did fell, I can still be able to hold her still and prevent it from happening.

I know that she would not be able to accept me that easy at the moment due to a unhappy relationship not long ago. But I really hope that she can understand my feeling towards her. Although i haven't tell her in face but I will definitely do it when the right time comes. She had said something that left me wondering for quite sometime. There was a night when she said something like don't treat her so good. This had left me wondering whether she really doesn't have any feelings in me and she is feeling guilty for she still haven't got out of the past relationship.

Anyway, I will confess to her at the right time. Its kinda nervous because its my first time confessing to a gal. But I 'm ready to accept whatever outcome. At least I've tried. But right now, I've more important things to do that is to get my studies back on track and score with flying colours....

I must get the perfect score.... 4.00 !!!

Stuck on her...

2006-08-12T00:17:00.000+08:00

It supposed to be a wonderful day for me as I finally have a chance to go out with her. Although its not something very special but simply a trip together to the floating library had bring me to the moon. I feel wonderful during the few hours when we are together. Its comfortable to talk to her and I feel I can talk anything with her. Nevertheless, there are few moments of silence during our journey when we both aren’t saying anything, but I feel contented in the silence as she was by my side. I was especially mesmerized by the scent of her perfume, just love it.

Well, she did just broken up with her ex-boyfriend which is my friend. And she declared that she is now single and free. I can no longer hide my feelings anymore. I started to treat her more specially and try to do everything that involved her. Several of my friends had sense my interest in her and I hadn’t make any remarks on that.

I really don’t know what is she thinking and what her problems are. She never want others to hear her problem except for a few. I try to persuade her but didn’t succeed. What I am dying to know at this very moment is that what she think about me. I really need to know. I don’t wanna misinterpret her messages that she might accept me.

To me she is sweet. Though she treats me well, but i always have a feeling that she is treating me as a normal buddy. But sometimes, she will address me as honey or something intimate to me which never happens to me before. So I need to clarify my position in her heart though it is quite impossible to find out.

This is the first time i had such a strong and special feeling for a gal and willing to do anything for her. Due to her ending of the previous relationship not long ago, I decide to play on the safe side to get close to her and show her some concern. I need to know whether she is ready to accept me for a new relationship. This is to prevent me from being the substitute of her ex-boyfriend.

I really do care about her. But my heart kinda break when I found out from her friend that she might be still care about her ex-boyfriend. I can’t blame her for this as that is her first love and she had put in a lot of love in it.

Sometimes, I used to ask myself why I didn’t confess to her in the very first place when she hint me? Perhaps I care too much for my friend. Initially I know that she is interested in my friend and then my friend also show similar interest. So i prefer to step a side gracefully and keeping my true feelings to let true love blooms. But I never expected things to turn out this way. And this time round I am not going to let my chance slip away anymore. But it draws me back to learn that she might still think of her.

I’m in a dilemma. Maybe they might reconcile if they are able to sort things out. In a way, I’m happy for my friend but in another hand i might lose my chance to be with her. So its a tough decision to make. In other words, I’m stuck in her. Anyway, if that is the case there is no point for me to block her way. Maybe I’ll just step aside and forget everything about it and move on. Anyway, she is still my good friend and always will be.

Right at this moment, she is stuck in her life as too many things that had happened to her which I don’ know anything about it. I doesn’t wanna trouble her with relationship related problems at that moment. Perhaps I will take action after my final exam depending on the situation. Right now, I just wanna pray for her and wish God is always be with her to help her through all this....

Fucked up

2006-07-24T20:39:00.000+08:00

I so fucked up right now. Just had a conversation with my mum on the way back a moment ago. It just some casual conversation. It suppose to be a pleasant and close-to-heart talk until she finally made some remarks on my height.

Yes, I might not be really tall compare to the others. I'm just average or more specifically slightly below. But what can I do there is nothing much I can do about my height. I'm 19 years old. It's almost impossible for me to grow any taller anymore. Although I am not particularlly satisfied with my height but I've chose to accept for I can do nothing to change it.

Everything seems to go right during the conversation until she said something like you are just not tall enough, like your father. The fact is my whole family is not tall. So whose fault is this? Am I the one to be blame for not growing tall enough? Why she would always said things like you are not tall enough or things like you've put on weight, control your diet when I'm about 12 years old. I've enough for all this. Sometimes I just wanna ask you this mum, aren't you tired of repeating the same old fucking issue all the time? Can't you just give my ears some peace, PLEASE ? I might sound harsh but its what really happens to me all the time.

I know she was proud of me and I'm glad that I make her proud. But what I don't like is that she seems to trying to mould me into some kinda son that she wants, instead of someone I rather wanna be. She also likes to compare me to her friends children saying how great or how well they achieve. But what does all that have to do with me or her? It could be only be some inspirational example for certain occasions but will turn nuisanse when heard all the time.

I'm really mad at the moment I heard her saying all this. I drove my car so fast as a way to protest. I didn't talk back much as she cares for me, but sometimes she just would give my pride some thought. I know she works so hard everyday to pay for my daily expanses and I don't wanna let her efforts to went doen the drain. So I'm gonna work hard strike rich at all cost. And finally shut all those fault mouths that used to jeer and look down at me.

Sick...

2006-07-23T21:25:00.000+08:00

My health had finally worn down. I'm sick. It had been a long time since I last fall sick. And this time it is just like the previous one, sudden and serious. This time I had suffer from food poisoning. This is the first time I suffer from this illness. It is terrible and make my live miserable.

At first, I thought it was a usual indigestion. So I just take some medication myself. But the feeling just wouldn't subside but start to get worse. My stomach is in so much pain that I can't even stand straight. I throw up whatever thing that I've taken during dinner. It just won't get any better. I managed to hold through for about 3 hours before I finally went to a doctor at 1 am.

I was given a shot on my butt. And this is the first time I can remember to have a shot on my butt. Wow, the feeling is just horrible. Now that I'm feeling much better, but I do still feel lethargic.. Hopefully things will turn out well and I'll get well soon.

Lethargic

2006-07-22T19:19:00.000+08:00

I'm not gonna keep on bugging on the same issue, but my computer just wouldn't stop giving problems. It just fucked up again few days ago, and this is the seventh time I've send it back for repair if I'm not mistaken. Just forget it, I'm in no mood to condemn that bloody computer shop anymore.

Many things had happened. The most earth-shaking one would be my MUET result. It was so devastated when I know about my result. Its not that bad after all but what freaks me out is that I'm only 2 points less to obtained the best grade, Band 6. I'm so, so disappointed and sad when I first open my result slip. I just wouldn't believe what my eye had seen. I was stunned and left speechless at that moment. Do you know that kinda feeling when its so near yet so far... It's just my luck, I guess. Anyway, I'm going to retake the test for the third time. It is most probably the last time I'll sit for it.

Nowadays, I'm just feeling lethargic all day long. I can't stay till late night to study as I did before. My health seems to deteriorate. My mind seems to have the same problems too. There is one person who just wouldn't get out of my mind. I just can't stop thinking of her. I think I'm stucked on her. But I'm not optimistic about our chance to be together because to her I might be too boring. She is sophisticated and unique, and probably the sweetest gal I've ever met.

She just ended her previous relationship with one of my close pal. And I don't know it is appropriate to go after her or not. I'm so into her that I will do literally everything I can for her. But she seems to treat me like no other friends. And she probably like the other friend of mine.I only can sense my chance are small. But that wouldn't stop me to do things for her. Even if she is not my girl but she is still a friend, a special one. Anyway, I would try to go all out when the time is right. I just wanna say for you, I will....

Gone...

2006-07-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

I was shocked when I heard that one of my friend had passed away in an accident yesterday. He was my senior and a friend of mine. He thought me to play trumpet when I first joined the band. He is a born leader with loud and clear voice. I still miss his commands and the way he play his trumpet at ease.

I came back from his funeral an hour ago. I so terrified to see him for the last time. But I get to know from my friend he had suffer from a serious car accident that we are not allowed to see him. He is only 21 and still have a long way to go and many things to achieve in his live but he had left us forever... I feel sorry for him and his family members too...

I will always remember you my friend, See Boon.... May God be with you....

Evolution?

2006-07-03T14:20:00.000+08:00

The trial exam is only one month away and I'm going on the right track towards my goal. But, people around me seems to be going crazy in the sense that they behave weirdly nowadays which is so different from the past. I just don't understand what are they thinking about. They are my good friends in class. Some just keep doing extreme things and talk rubbish on sensitive issues, although it make some sense. But why can't he just keep his mouth shut and stop doing some stupid things and act like a fool. Perhaps he desperately needs some attention from the others. But it really freaks me out with his current attitude. I really need some peace and a group which can work together. On certain circustances he can be very serious and quite rational while doing thinks but things seems to get worse as he keep challenging the rules and gaining potential enemies. In my opinion it must be the side-effect after a unhappy relationship... Just some wild guest....

But I do wish him to be ok as a friend but not really is for a competitor. You know, he is a genius and learn real fast and think well. So is quite a dilemma for me. But I do still wish him all the best...

To another friend of mine, she had change kinda a little in the way that she didn't speak that much anymore. Maybe to me only, I don't know about the others, but I do miss the 'old' her. I understand that the exam is around the corner and everyone is so tension and under pressure to achieve good results. So I wouldn't blame anyone for that. But all I wanna say is that do stop and smell the roses in between your hectic life and always remember there is always a friend here for you when you are in need. God bless y'all !

Broken...

2006-06-29T20:12:00.000+08:00

This morning, my mum told me that she plan to have a holiday trip to Taiwan with my dad. Of course, I would definitely agree with her suggestion. Just when I told her why my dad could make it to the trip, she suddenly say something that stabbed right into my heart. It was about 6.40 a.m. when I am having my breakfast and preparing to go to school. After she left, I just couldn't help but my eye is already wet and I'm feeling terrible. I've been living in agony since that incident. My mum just said a few words but it was suffice for me to give it some serious thought.

Well, I just get to know from my friend that one of my good friend had just broken up. In my opinion, both can still be friends after the break up. It is nothing at all but a change in the kind of relationship between both parties. Everyone have to have the courage to take and to let go. So what if you can't be lovers? Whats wrong with being friends? It wouldn't cause you anything right? I mean I would be better to have one more friend rather than one more enemy. We all meet and know each other because of destiny. Why not appreciate the moment that we all have?

I would say both party gotta be more steady. Don't dwell on the past. It would kill you to take initiative to mend their friendship. Hopefully i might be useful this time. God bless....

Relationship?

2006-06-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

It is 12.16a.m. now, but I still can catch my sleep. There is something that is playing in my mind. Nowadays I’ve been having a lot of questions about boy-girl relationship. I shouldn’t have bother all this things at this moment but I just can’t help it.

2 of my good friends had had some problems with their relationship and that really troubles me. I’m just afraid that the problem might affect their relationship in long term. But I do not ask them anything about it for those are personal problems and I’m not appropriate to get involved. Furthermore I don’t think I can do anything also, as I’m inexperience in all this relationship thingy. I’m geek after all, still couldn’t get myself a girlfriend.

I used to wonder if I really like someone. How does it feel when you like someone? Happy? Obsessed? I don’t know... This really makes my live difficult. I don’t even know when I really like someone... How do I know that I’m like that someone? It always happen that I think I like this particular person but the feeling would fade away after sometime. It does sounds more like stupid crushes.

To my surprise, so many people are so eager to get into a relationship. I don’t know whether she is the right person and that really draws me back from taking any action. Does it mean that if you all have lots of common interest and common topics, you both can get along well? For me I would think that guys don’t really mind if the gal is richer than him. But they will definitely mind when they can’t afford to spend on their girlfriend. Sooner or later this will cause them their relationship.

Sometimes, it is because that we both are too close. It is weird if she is my girlfriend because we speak freely without any boundaries. And because of that I really treasure our present relationship and I’m afraid of losing her if anything goes wrong and our relationship turn sour. We all used to hear people saying that both can be friends even if you can’t be lovers. But it is easier said than done. Normally the relationship between the 2 of you will never be the same again and most probably become awkward when meeting each other.

The problem with me is that I love beautiful things and creatures. The same goes to gals. I can’t help the fact that I’m a superficial person. But one thing for sure, I will be very dedicate and loyal if I’m really into a relationship.

I think the girl knew that I like her. I had managed to have an eye-contact with her. And she is a bit awkward and blushed. I was on cloud nine after that. Perhaps I might have a chance. Wow....

What a day...

2006-06-19T15:15:00.000+08:00

It’s Monday. As usual, I’m suffering from Monday blue. I feel very hard to wake up on time every Monday. All I wish is that I could sleep a little longer. But no choice because I have to attend school and reach there on time. I went out as usual this morning and that is the beginning of my ‘worst’ nightmare. I was caught in a traffic jam for more than 40 minutes just after I left my house 10 minutes ago. I need to reach the school by 7.30 a.m. and it is almost 7.40 a.m. Well, I think it is better to be late than not going so I waited patiently. Finally, I manage to ‘break free’ again. And to my awe it was an accident that cause the horrible jam just now. One thing I can’t figure out is that the car involved had been shift to the side and the road is absolutely clear and has no reasons to cause a jam. This is what normally happens here, people are just so interested in slowing their vehicle to see what’s going on rather than give a helping hand and consequently causing a jam.

At that point, I thought of reaching the school by 8 a.m. but no point rushing as I’m already late. So I just drive along the slippery road while enjoying some nice music. But that’s not all. Just when I thought that I can reach there on time, there is another jam again. It is most likely to take me another half an hour or so to pass it. At that point, I had 2 options. Take a turn and go home or go to school. After some discussions with my friends, we made a decision to go home because there is no point going to school anymore. It is too late, almost office hour I think….

At home, after taking a hearty breakfast I started to study on my own. And then I fall asleep… What a day huh…

Dream....

2006-06-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

I was sitting by my room window, reading alone. The afternoon sun is blazing and glare through my room window and lighten up my room. I look out from the window at the vividly blue sky. I was amazed how the nature work and produce such a beautiful and flawless picture. The sky is clear and decorated by a few clouds. The simplicity of the image simply take my breathe away. But, my vision is limited by the size of the window and block by the iron grill. Nevertheless it is always one of the moment that I’ve enjoy doing – sitting by the window and look at the sky.

It does remind me of my dream to visit the tropical paradise around the world. There, I can sit on the sandy beach, looking at the ocean waves washing up the shore accompany by the cooling and refreshing ocean breeze without any restriction. I’ve longed for such a trip where I can appreciate the wonder of nature and the creation of God. Doing nothing or simply reading a book that you like at that kind of environment is so relaxing. No noisy sounds of vehicles, people rushing around, dirty air and hectic live. Instead the melody of the nature, rustling from the grass field when the wind blows and the crickets and the birds singing along.

Well, it would be nice if I can share a moment like this with someone I like. Sitting down together doing nothing nor talking, just savour magical the moment together and let the meet one another spiritually. It something more than words can do. In fact, our words might just spoilt a special moment like this. And I wish one day, my dream will come through…

Protective shield...

2006-06-10T20:31:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I meet some of my friends, I do feel a gap between us. I don't know why. Where does the problem lie? Is it the appearance that I give the others that cause they do the same? Well, more often than not this happen on me when I met some kinda close friend. I might say friends that know something about me. But I just duon't know why this thing can happen. It is like both of us putting up a protective shield that keep us away from a certain distance although we are so near to each other. It kinda blocks me away from them and preventing them from being close to me inner self.

I guest the problem lies in me. But I can't help it. Although I am in good mood but my appearance are always cold in the sense that no expression. But the fact is deep inside I am burning wild. I like to be care and I care for the others. The problem is I am not good at expressing my feelings and emotion. That is why I am often misjudge by other people. Perhaps I just have to smile more to reduce the gap between me with my friends....A smile a day makes others people day...

Woo... I feel good..

2006-06-10T17:05:00.000+08:00

Feeling kinda good today. I like a occupied lifestyle. The kind that would left you wondering what to do next. Everything seems to be connected after every event. I would feel boring that way and live a more meaningfull live.

Played a match this morning. It was simply fantanstic. Although we lose by 1 goal. But I am really satisfied with my team's performance today. Everyone was just terrific. I really enjoy today's game as I feel very energetic during the whole game and manage to score 2-3 goals from distance. Oh, it really feels so good to be playing and running on the field. I feel very confident on the field and enjoy every moment I played. I am planning for a rematch in July. Hopefully, we might be able to defeat them the next time. Atlantiz rockz!!!

Lonely...

2006-06-08T20:24:00.000+08:00

Have y'all experience loneliness? The kind that is so overwhelming and left you so helpless. All of a sudden I feel I'm isolated and lost connection to the outside world. I just don't know what to do. All I wanna do is just find someone that I can talk to. So, I took out my phone and check my contact lists... I keep on scrolling but there is no end to my search. Although there is no lack of contacts in my phonebookbut I hardly can find anyone that I can call. I feel so lonely at that very moment. At that moment, I realised that I hadn't have any best friend that I can talk to when I need it so badly. It is sad to acknowledge that pathetic fact. What I can't help but stick with the agony in my heart...

You'll never feel it when you are hanging with your gang of friends. But it certainly will find you somehow. And you will be so helpless. Looks like I really have to find someone that I can really talk to. Its hard to find actually. There are a few that I waited to talk but failed to do it. Maybe thats because lack of trust... And I don't like the feeling of cool shoulder and I do care if they talk to me like a complete outside. What I want is someone that can talk to me like a friend. No covering of feelings or censorship of words. I really hope that I can meet that kind of person in my life as I do need someone to share my feelings... Where is she?

Girl...

2006-06-08T09:45:00.000+08:00

Lately, I’ve been feeling rather confused. Few days ago, I get to know that the gal that I crush on probably had a boyfriend. That really brings me down to earth and face the reality. Before this I’ve always fantasized how it would be nice to have known her and all the good things about her. But now, it seems like I would have to wake up from my dreamland and face the reality. I just play all this in my mind without taking any real action. I’m in a dilemma. I would pretty much like to have a relationship with her but on the other hand I’m afraid that my studies might be affected. Now that I didn’t really do well in my studies and didn’t study enough. How am I going to cope with it if I’m involved in a relationship?

I’m always too shy to ask. I just couldn’t curb it. Sincerely, I’ve already have few chances to talk to her, but I just screwed it up by acting cool. I’m really sucks. So, the fact is that she might have a boyfriend, do I still stand a chance? I used to wonder can someone get involve with another person which already in a relationship. To me it is okay. Nothing wrong with that. As long as they didn’t get married, there is still a chance and a hope. But why do people always despise those third party in a relationship. I mean a boy-girl relationship that haven’t marry. I mean it is a fair play. Who wins if who wins the other person’s heart. That’s it. But often, people do have a mindset or thinking to stay away from someone who is in a relationship because you’ll be spoiling their relationship. But that is not fair. I mean what’s wrong? If the both of you have faith in each another you would be affected no matter how tempting is your suitors.

But it all applies to that somebody that I don’t know. We Chinese always have a saying that goes ‘Never runaway with your friend’s wife’. And that speaks. Since I’m not sure whether she is in a relationship or not and even if yes, I don’t know him too. So I’ll take it as if she is still available until I’ve confirm everything myself. Anyway, it does shaken me a little to heard that she might be in a relationship. But frankly, there is nothing wrong with that since she is so pretty and I have not known her yet. Sigh, that’s the price for crushing on pretty babes...

PC down...

2006-06-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

It's kinda sad. I just got my PC back from the computer shop andI'll have to send it back again. It really sucks. Before this my PC suffered from a major setback that causes me to lose all of my propeties. My documents, pictures, songs, movies all gone. Quite sad because almost 8GB of my media files all gone and I had no way to get it back. In fact, I'm so glad that I can get my PC back yesterday. But it didn't turn out well as the formatting is not good and my PC is not stable and that really makes me crazy and feel like killing the fellow who format my PC. It is a total mess. Hopefully things will be fine when I collect my PC tomorrow. I can't spend my money for nothing. Better get your ass cracking and do your job well fuckers...

Ooh la la..

2006-06-04T19:45:00.000+08:00

Erm, I forgot to write my blog yesterday. Initially, I was planning to write my blog everyday but sadly my writing streak had end yesterday. What a shit is that. But anyway, I've some reason for that. I'm glad because I've successfully burn the first VCD in myself! Wooo!!! It feels really great to have it done because not many of my friend knows and done it before. In fact only one. So, I'm feeling really great although the burning quality is just ok. However it is a wonderful experience for me...

I've finally baked my pizza today. I've longed to make one myself since the last time I did it. It was fantastic and I'm not boasting. It really taste good and almost as good as some comercial pizzas out there. Alright my next pizza is gonna be ready soon. So I shall stop here. Non apetit!

Bad day...

2006-06-02T17:16:00.000+08:00

Watching movie how day long. It is a lifestyle that might sound very fascinating to some other people. Yes, it is provide you are watching the right movie. In this sense nice movies. But sadly as not, I watch 1 bad movie today. My friends had claim it to be very intersting and funny, but it appear to be very boring and bland to me. In other words, a piece of shit that waste your time watching it. Whats more, I might be grounded by my mum for watching too many movies. What a sad circumstances I am in. Sigh...

I used to wonder whether the death of a person is predestined or not. Sometimes I just doesn't get it. Someone would try very hard to keep their own life whereas some other people just simply end their life as they like. I almost involved in an accident just now. How lucky I was to be still here writing my blog. If it really happen, I would dare to imagine what will happen to me for I almost collide head-on with a trailer. A huge one that will simply crash me with ease. Luckily I am vigilant enough to break at the moment and avoided the happening of a tragedy. I guest the impact would be devastating if it does happen. God bless...

Movie day...

2006-06-01T20:14:00.000+08:00

Its great to have broadband at home. I can easily access to literally everything on earth and most importantly download whatever I want. Recently, I’m so into downloading movies from the internet. Yes, it may be illegal but it is the easiest and the cheapest way to watch the movie. Basically I can download those movie that I longed to watch but do not have the chance. Moreover, I can download some new released movies like X-men 3 and The Da vinci code. Both movies are only released about a week ago but I already can download via the internet. How great is that.

Until now, I think I’ve downloaded about 5 movies and more on the way. I really enjoy it as I’ve deleted all my computer games. So, this is the only way I can spend my time if I don’t feel like studying. By the way, my process of revising doesn’t seem to right. Although I’ve started doing some but it jus too little. I think I would still need more determination to do it. Every time I start to study, I feel sleepy and bored. But I do keep it on until I really can’t take it. The whole process only last the most an hour or so. What am I gonna do ?